G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra Says Not Being Screened for Critics Is Half the Battle

Iron Man 1.jpg

?There are many, many things that bug me about the G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra movie. Right now, it’s mostly how the few places that have actually screened the movie — mostly random movie blogs — are falling over themselves with praise for the movie while trying to suck Stephen Sommers’ dick as if he hadn’t made goddamn Van Helsing. My point is that based empirically on the evidence, Sommers is  not a very good director, and if your 10-year-old girls have never seen a G.I. Joe cartoon but love the live-action movie, that means jack shit. (I’m not going to name names, sorry.)

Maybe Rise of Cobra will be awesome, but right now, there’s no reason to suspect this. And now that Paramount has officially announced that the film will not be screened for critics, there’s even less reason to think otherwise. Nor is there any reason to think Paramount gives a shit what any of us think. Let me let the AV Club sum it up:

… Rob Moore, vice chairman of Paramount Pictures [argues]self-servingly, “G.I. Joe
is a big, fun, summer event movie – one that we’ve seen audiences enjoy
everywhere from Andrews Air Force Base in Maryland to Phoenix, Ariz.
After the chasm we experienced with `Transformers 2′ between the
response of audiences and critics, we chose to forgo opening-day print
and broadcast reviews as a strategy to promote `G.I. Joe.’ We want
audiences to define this film.”

That’s a PR way of saying, “Critics didn’t like Transformers 2
but we made a fuck-ton of money off it so fuck you, critics; enjoy your
sad little efficiencies and non-existent job security while we snort
Bolivian Marching Powder off pert 19 year olds and party in the

Too true. The last couple of movies I remember that didn’t screen for critics were Dragonball: Evolution and Street Fighter: Legend of Chun Li (note the same love of colons).  Now, chances are, unlike those two films, G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra will more than likely make a ton of money. And many, many young children who have never seen the original cartoons and thus technically have no interest in G.I. Joe whatsoever will like the film. It will likely be viewed as a success.

This affects me not in the slightest. What affects me is that the reason movies don’t get screened for critics is because they’re not very good. In fact, they’re usually terrible. This has nothing to do with whether the film makes money or if certain audiences like it. The point is that no studio has ever not shown a film to critics if they thought their movie was good. So fogive me if I remain less than enthused about the movie.