?Good lord. Seems like you guys were all too ready to figure out how to destroy the human race in this weekend’s contest. I tell you, I always enjoy the TR contest entries more than anything on the site (although the judging them sucks, because I am very lazy), I don’t know if any other TR contest had a higher quality of entries. Trying to limit myself to what they call the best of the best and ones I lvoed, I still had more than 30 honorable mentions, and any of these guys could have won. Seriously, there were so many hilarious destructors that I just couldn’t list that I beg you, take some time, read all the entries. It’s long, but well worth the nightmare fuel of all the beloved children’s cartoon character who will flay you alive during the end days.
Oh, one more thing — thanks to GeekChick, both for her entry of Totoro (excellent choice) and the accompanying artwork (above) she found for it. I certainly won’t be visiting any Japanese forests for a while. Now, onto the mentions!
THE (MANY) HONORABLE MENTIONS:
Bob Ross. His voice is so soothing, and his obsession with happy little trees is so reassuring. There’s no way he’d destroy me. The anglo-afro will though.
The Prince pushing a giant Katamari from Katamari Damachy. Because if I’m going down, so is the rest of the fucking city. In hilariously cute fashion that’s sure to get the rest of the world talking.
Snoopy. I have no doubt that like Ray I’d pick a seemingly innocent figure from my childhood. America’s favorite beagle would never ever harm me and Ghostbusting partners. But out of nowhere a huge white figure would soon come stomping down the streets of Manhatten. But instead of Staypuff we’d see Snoopy crushing cars, churches, and anything else that got in his way.
Can you imagine the horrific sounds? Staypuff was silent, but we’ve all heard Snoopy’s garbled speech. I can’t get the sounds and images of Snoopy at Wimbledon out of my head now. Picture him with McEnroe’s bandana and temper rampaging through the streets. He’d be swinging a giant tennis racquet in his hands and bulldozing everything in site. Not only would I be “terroized beyond the capacity of rational thought”, I’m pretty sure my shorts would be full. Full of shit and shame… shit and shame.
except it has a penis.
and the face of orson wells.
Jason Thorn said:
Captain Planet. Why? Cause Gaia got tired of people polluting the planet and is going to wipe the slate clean. Only the Planeteers will survive as his Planet-worshipping disciples to repopulate the earth.
Cheesasaurus Rex, in a baseball cap. I realize, after typing this, I may just be me remembering a scene from We’re Back: A Dinosaur Story. Oh well.
A blimp driven by the incredible hulk
Orko. It’s simple – a 1,000 foot tall Orko appears and floats over every city, driving humanity insane as they look up at the eldritch horrors hidden beneath his robe. The inevitable failed magic tricks just serve to scorch the earth stone clean.
A gigantic 12-sided die. With the end of the world approaching, trying to clear my head, my mind wanders off and I think to myself somewhat sarcasticly, “If only I could get a saving throw”. A shadow falls over my face and I look up just in time to see the digits of doom right before it crushes me and begins it’s path of destruction. It destroyed my social life, might as well destroy the earth too.
Grover from Sesame Street.
He was my favourite character as a kid and one of my favourite skits was the Near & Far one.
I can just imagine him being like 1,000 feet tall and and stomping around yelling out “Neeeeaaaarrrr” as he crushes someone and “Faaaarrrrr” as he lifts up his furry little foot to crush another.
Jenn the Hen said:
Bob the builder “Can he fix it? Yes he can!” If by fix you mean destroy and it you mean life as we know it.
Dora the Explorer.
She would claw my eyes out while trying to teach me Spanish phrases.
LeVar Burton. In Reading Rainbow, he was friendly and approachable without being condescending. He showed us strange and interesting places in the real world, and took us on journeys of imagination with books. Meanwhile, he hasn’t had any unpleasant scandals that, in retrospect, tarnish our childhood memories.
A nice guy who promotes literacy! How could he be my destruction?
Well, picture this- Gozer announces “The choice is made!” and out of nowhere; LeVar Burton. For a second, nothing happens. You’re about to ask if that was it, when suddenly, every page of literature within miles starts to glow, and before anyone can react, people are being dragged screaming into ironic literary deaths.
I’d say this is the worst possible destruction by the most innocuous possible destructor. But you don’t have to take my word for it!
The Gummi Bears from the Disney TV series. Bouncing here and there and..OH DEAR GOD THEY’VE BOUNCED THEIR WAY INTO THE MATERNITY WARD! THE GUMMIBERRY JUICE IS TAKEN FROM THE BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT!
Oh, he looks harmless in that hat and trench coat, but don’t be fooled. Paddington is known for making people tremble with a deadly stare when they annoy him. He will use this to paralyze us with fear. And then when he has us in his clutches, he will whip out his jars of marmalade and stuff the nasty stuff down our throats until we’re we’re bursting at the seams. And just before we bid farewell to this mortal coil, Paddington smirks and says, “I am Paddington from darkest Peru, and I send you to darkest Hell.” And then he tips his hat politely just before we explode.
Docta C. Bridges said:
The moment I read this, I immediately thought of the Ghostbusters.
Then I realized, I’m pretty much always thinking about the Ghostbusters. So, there we have it. If I was the one to choose who the Destroyer would be, it would be the cast of Ghostbusters. Imagine being deatomized by a proton beam, that would fuck shit up.
I was going to say, “myself,” but Alan Moore’s beard came to mind first, so…
A Cylon Stormtrooper ninja pirate spartan super soldier that runs around in the robot thing from District 9 and has a jetpack Velociraptor with lolasers that talks like Snarf for a sidekick.
Did I mention his name is Fonzie and he is a brain surgeon that recently bought China? He is also an extremely talented Pianist and chef.
Marc Summers, the original host of Nickelodeon’s Double Dare. I bet you would think twice about taking that physical challenge.
Hmmm, the first thing that I thought about was Chips Ahoy cookies, but those aren’t really a “character.” The second thing that popped into my head was Charles Nelson Reilly, so we’ll split the difference and call it Charles Nelson Reilly throwing giant chewy Chips Ahoy cookies.
My vote is for the little baby ewok that cowered at 3P0’s version of the Rebels’ story.
I imagine that thing would come out giant, squeaking unholy booms and crying torrents of ewok tears as it, too, is alarmed by its size and power. The poor giant muffin doesn’t know what’s going on, and in its own terror, demolishes entire highrises in an attempt to hide its face.
No amount of purring, leg humping, or “part of the tribe”-making can appease it. It will never stop, because the only things that might have calmed it is gone forever. As it grew, it tore its blankey, and accidently smushed its mother. 🙁
The cast of Law and Order Special Victim’s Unit.
We would know when they appeared by an absolutely deafening opening intro that goes like this:
“In the inter dimensional criminal system, worlds are eliminated by a destroyer chosen by the inhabitants of that said world. The traveler has come and this is its story.”
The clang clang would cause weak minded individuals heads to be blown.
A portal opens in the street below, and giant versions of each of the characters begin to pour out. Mariska Harigtay and Chris Meloni would start analyzing the situation and realize that we the ghost busters are a threat to their new found existence and committed some arbitrary sex crime. Richard Belzer appears makes a wisecrack and then Ice-T is the one that realizes that we, the ghostbusters, are the ones who are committing the crime and that we have copious amounts of drugs on our persons. Of course this is all set to an incredibly loud and awesome rendition of the theme song.
With the giant SVU crew running at us we quickly decide to mow them down with our proton streams. Realizing that our plan is futile as blood from the giants are filling the streets and possibly drowning others who are watching on, it is time to cross the streams.
Aiming at the large portal we cross the streams and seal the portal. They explode in a giant bloody mess that is strewn all over the area of Manhattan. Skeletal remains litter the surrounding area.
One of Meloni’s ribs kills Walter Peck.
I’d probably have to go with Mr. Dan Aykroyd himself. He wouldn’t be gigantic or necessarily even menacing, but he would have the power of CRYSTAL SKULL VODKA at his hands and it would devastate the entire planet….maybe even the moon.
Gazing into his CRYSTAL SKULL would instantly cause your brain to melt. It would take time cause he could only melt a handful or brains at a time, but his persistence and undying quest for the best tasting vodka would eventually destroy everything.
It would be terrifying.
Treat Williams and Joe Piscipo from Dead Heat because with those two guys I would be honored to be killed by the stars of a buddy cop zombie movie. How rad would that be. I wouldn’t even mind getting killed by those two.
the episode of who?s the boss when tony see angela in the shower
Sparkimus Prime said:
I am going to say Grumpy Bear from the fan fiction Friday.
Not only would it be a giant care bear that is the avatar of destruction, hes also a rapist. The cloud on his stomach would also become he new emblem of all that is evil and bad instead of the upside down pentagram.
Winners — and a few more Honorable Mentions — after the jump.
Okay. Because of the awesomeness of the entries, I have to commemorate three commenters in particular. No, they don’t win shirts, but they do get the
bullshit distinction of being The Most Honorable Mentions. SafetyDance101 got a little off track by explaining how the Smurfs would come to destroy civilization (as opposed to just “Gozer did it”) but did create a chilling epic of Smurf-ian genetic warfare and misery. JesseMXGangl penned a beautiful ode of rhyming couplets to illustrate the madness of a giant Zombie Billy Mays coming to town. And DoctorSmashy, while humbly submitting the gummi bear as mankind’s destructor, also created this illustration that makes me laugh every time I see it.
Now for the winners. And yes, there are two. I just couldn’t decide.
?Phantom Pants said:
The Burger King Kid’s Club. This group of unassuming, multi-ethnic marketing reps wondered into my thoughts and would be ideal ushers of destruction.
Kid Vid, with his nuclear powered visor capable of vaporizing a helpless public like ants under a magnifying glass (but with more horrifying glowing skeletal aftermath,) leads the attack against this plain of reality and commands the quickly re-dubbed “The Burger Lords of Doom.”
Boomer, the ginger tomboy who hurls Semtex filled footballs with the arm of a robotic Payton Manning.
Wheels, who may have been in a wheelchair in the ads of my childhood, now is half man and half machine who now pilots what I can only describe as the bastard child of an Abrams tank and Robocop.
J.D. the canine mascot? 12 foot tall wolf-beast with rabies.
I.Q. used to wear purple glasses and a calculator watch. Now he prefers a gas mask and a backpack that dispenses horrific chemical weapons (naturally, of his own design) that renders its victims looking like Arnold Ernst Toht t(he melting face guy from the end of “Raiders of the Lost Ark.”)
Snaps, the blond with the camera, ditched it for a chest mounted Mark 19 automatic grenade launcher, raining down a mixture of fragmentation grenades and white hot, face melting phosphorous 40mm projectiles.
Jaws, tall with an insatiable appetite, was fitted by I.Q. with titanium pneumatic teeth and a prosthetic stomach and a Hydrofluoric acid production system, which he can vomit like a fire hose.
Finally Lingo, the guy in the vest looking like a Hispanic Captain Boomerang, was a linguistic genius but lacked a gimmick that could be twisted and formed into a hellish punishment for mankind by Kid Vid and I.Q. In the opening minutes of the campaign against humanity, he was fed to Jaws as an example of “The kind of mercy the weak can expect from their new masters.”
That kind of horrible creativity in imagining the Burger King kids club members as demonic destructors has to be rewarded with a shirt. Should Phantom Pants be called upon by Gozer to choose the Destructor, I have little doubt that that’s how Gozer would render the horrible Whopper-devouring bastards. Well done, sir. And his co-winner:
Oh I know exactly who I would think of. If only it were a scantily clad sex goddess that would bring my life to the glorious end that every nerd dreams of. No my friends, in my struggle to keep my mind as blank as those who wrote Transformers 2″ Clippy will appear. His twisted metallic body gently rapping against the walls of my imagination, glaring at me with his beady eyes, asking if I need help. This will mark the beginning of the end for us all. All at once Clippy will appear on every device around the world with a screen asking, “It looks like you’re still living. Would you like help with that?” Electrical devices from airplanes to ladies back massagers will suddenly spring to life attacking any human within reach, killing the majority of the world’s population in one fell swoop. It will be Maximum Overdrive on a global scale, what Y2K was meant to be. The few unfortunate enough to survive will be caged and bread like cattle. They will be forced to work in non-air-conditioned office buildings pointlessly typing finance reports on Windows ME workstations using Microsoft Office 97 with fifteen inch CRT monitors. Humanity will spend the rest of its days as with Clippy appearing at random asking if he can help with their spelling or reminding them they need to save their work.
Clippy is so fucking perfect that I can barely stand it. Seriously, if Ghostbusters were made today, I think Clippy would have an excellent chance of being the monster as opposed to some fun mascot. Chipper, well-known and universally despised, he may be the best face anyone has ever put on modern man’s destruction. Well done indeed, Gasstank — and to the rest of you.