Wishful TR Headlines: And the Winners Are…
?Sweet Evil Flying Jesus, people. Nearly 500 entries? That’s ridiculous. I’ve already spent more time on this contest than I spend on most videogames I like, so let’s just cut to the chase: yadda yadda, lot of great entries, blah blah, go read them all here, waah wah waanh, bunch of Honorable Mentions, starting… now.
HBO anounces new hour-long live-action Batman series to be headed up by Bruce Timm and Paul Dini.
Joe Quesada and Dan Didio revealed to be Skrull agents — comics go back to being awesome again.
Newsflash! Harry Potters Bends Over, ‘Births’ A Thousand Cryptophallids! Army Of Skittering, Chittering, Gibbering Cocks Spell Doom For The People Of Earth.
Kev Weldon said:
Spielberg, Jackson, Abrams and Del Toro To Remake Prequel Trilogy While George Lucas Trapped In Giant Maze.
NASA says “Fuck It”, spends entire budget to build Serenity.
NBC APOLOGIZES FOR PAST THREE SEASONS OF HEROES BY RELEASING “LOST EPISODE” CONSISTING ENTIRELY OF HAYDEN PANETTIERE HAVING SEX WITH MEGAN FOX
Christopher Walken, Steve Buscemi, Ben Kingsey, Christopher Lee, and Michael Jonn Berryman are signed up for “The Peculiar Set”. A dark comedy about how a bunch of sinister looking guys clean up crime-ridden town by simply walking down the street and saying hello to everyone.
Cyberdyne Systems Skips Murderous T-Series, Begins Production Of Sexy Cameron-Series
Carmen Sandiego cannot find child, Angelina Jolie prime suspect.
“Joss Whedon hosts contest allowing one fanboy to blow him. Rob Bricken enters eight million times.”
jolly bitch said:
James Cameron arrested at furry sex orgy. Truth behind Avatar revealed. “I couldnt help myself” sobbed Cameron as he was led away in noticeably non-fur-lined handcuffs.
Jim Henson Discovered Alive! Death Was a Hoax so He Could Work on Awesome Privately Funded Films Without Studio Interference!
A. Biro said:
“Hi-C to reissue Ecto-Cooler, millions take to the streets to celebrate”
“Masters of the universe porn parody released” followed by: “TR will be down for weeks”
“‘90% of All Models Want to Date Nerds,’ Recent Poll Says”
There are more on the next page, along with the winners. Look, there were 500 fucking entries; 30 Honorable Mentions is pretty tame, wouldn’t you agree?
The honorable mentioning madness continues!
‘SLAVE LEIA/MEGAN FOX CLONE ORGY STARTS TODAY AT LORD DOCTORSMASHY’S FORTRESS OF LOVEMAKING. ALL NERDS WELCOME, COSTUMES AND VIDEO GAMES PROVIDED AFTERWARDS’ What? A guy can dream.
Spiderman reboot set to have 6 villains, all played by Bruce Campbell.
“Neil Gaiman’s ‘Sandman’ series set to debut on HBO. Gaiman to have final approval on every script and casting choice. Will air in timeslot immediately following Game of Thrones.”
Scientists discover answer for age-old question: Whose responsible this?
“Norse, Greek gods return; all other faiths revealed to be ‘hooey.’
“In other news, Walt Simonson was canonized today as Pope of Thor.
Attorney General Steps In To End Fan Fiction Friday; Pokemon Now Controlled Substance
Performing at Halftime of Super Bowl XLV: Dolph Lundgren!
Restaurant at the End of the Universe Does Exist: Douglas Adams Alive and Well, Bartending Evenings As He Writes Final ‘Hitchhiker’s’ Novel
Japan’s Holds Press Conference Announcing “Weirdness” as Its Chief Export
“Earlier today, the executor of the Greedo estate announced plans to move forward on civil litigation against Han Solo for the unprovoked killing of famed bounty hunter, Greedo.”
“Joe Quesada: THREAT or MENACE?”
Passing Meteorite Gives Almost Everyone On Earth Super-Powers! Exceptions Include Michael Bay, Jack Thompson.
“Grab Your Highlighters and Cliff’s Notes, Gang! The 7th Ed. Fan Fiction Anthology is Coming to a Freshman English Class Near You!”
“Tim Burton dies, classic literature sighs relief; Hot Topic out of business”
Prophet for Profit said:
Governor Schwarzenegger’s Administration Perfects Total Recall Tri-Boob Technology. Sudden Influx of Tourism Revenue Predicted to Turn Deficit into Surplus.
I open up the newspaper one morning to see a giant picture of a blue phone box whirling through space (and time, but that doesn’t show up on camera as well) on the front page.
In giant, bold letters below the picture are the words: “IT EXISTS!” In smaller print below the headline: “Millions of Americans shake their Heads in Puzzlement at the Excited Reactions of a Nerdy Few.”
Superman script found in home of J.D. Salinger among pile of unpublished work.
“Girl Wins ‘Wishful Headlines’ Contest, Submits Photo of Herself Wearing Only Topless Robot Prize T-Shirt”
And now for the winners. I’d like to say something brilliant and wise about how I judged them, but… 500 fucking entries, man. I just liked these three best, what can I say?
Blue Tank Top said:
“Death Star Real, Blows Up Nickleback Tour Bus”
SCIENTISTS SUCCESSFULLY CREATE POKEMON Moral dilemma over setting fire to lizards being considered.
Batman Real; Wants To Be Your Best Friend Forever and Give You A Sweet Utility Belt
Congrats to all three winners, everyone who entered, and me for putting up with this nonsense week after week. Man, I’m beat. I’d treat myself to a beer if I hadn’t been downing vodka shots since 10:30 am.