?Twilight sucks. Anyone with at least a quarter-brain knows this to be fact. But we’re not here to argue the literary merits — or lack their of — of a book series completely devoid of anything even remotely close to resembling a well-put-together story or character depth. No, instead we look at Twilight‘s greatest detriment to pop culture: the complete and utter butchery of the vampire mythos.
Vampires drink blood. Human blood, specifically. They don’t get to just drink animal blood, go on their hunky dory way without any type of drawback and then make idiotic jokes about being “vegetarians.” Vampires stay out of the sunlight lest they burst into flames. They certainly do not sparkle as though somebody blasted them with a shotgun full of rhinestones. Those are called pixies. And as for vampire baseball… fuck you, Meyer.
The vampires on this list certainly do not represent the cream of the crop themselves. However, despite their relative lameness they still kick the shit out of Twilight‘s sorry excuse for the bloodsucking undead.
9) Louis de Pointe du Lac, Interview with the Vampire
?Before the rock pelting begins, understand that Anne Rice changed vampires forever. She turned the demonic monsters of the night into angst-ridden, conflicted pretty boys, and it all began with Interview and its narrator Louis, who treated vampirism as a curse unwillingly thrust upon him. Granted, this actually improved upon the mythos and added a certain level of depth to vampires, but it also inevitably led to the Twilight faeries. Without Louis, there would be no Edward. However, despite his outlook on vampirism and elegant appearance, Louis knew how to wreck shit up and did so whenever necessary. He killed an entire coven in a fit of rage and even helped take down the Queen of the Damned. All Edward ever accomplished was his claims of bear wrestling. Because what else is a vampire good for other than wrestling a fucking bear.
8) Marko, The Lost Boys
Lost Boys easily ranks as one of the greatest vampire films of all time, featuring some of the most hardcore and badass bloodsuckers ever. These bastards flew, tore people’s heads off, lived in an underground hotel and spent their spare time riding motorcycles and jumping off cliffs. They also die in the most graphic and gorily amazing ways possible. Which bring us to Marko. Dubbed “the little one” (alternatively “isn’t that the guy from Bill & Ted who wasn’t Keanu Reeves”) Marko got the short end of the stake by biting the dust before the film’s big ending showdown. It’s pretty lame when the first guy to die is your vampire claim to fame, but at least he went out with a freaking bang — screaming in agony and spewing blood all over the fucking place. We can only assume that when a vampire bites it in Twilight they just burst into a cloud of puppies and rainbows.
7) Eric, Johnny the Homicidal Maniac
?Eric wholly represents the irritating emo vampire wannabes that plague Livejournal and bitch about how no one understands what unique butterflies they are. The kind of people you just want to punch in the face for no particular reason. A vampire shows up in his room and grants Eric’s gothic wet dreams by turning him… into a bigheaded, pointy-eared freak with giant tusks as fangs. He also smelled like cabbage. His maker insists it takes years and years of feeding to become beautiful. The next day, Eric makes first kill by puncturing the skull of one of the kids in school with one of his ginormous fangs. It’s a simultaneously hilarious and hardcore visual. Centuries later, Eric looks even more grotesque with an even bigger head over twice the size of his body and huge curving tusks for fangs. He now spends most of his day still bitching, but this time about “that fucking vampire.”
6) Dracula, Dracula Dead and Loving It
Back when parodies played out like actual comedies and not just a series of randomly strung together events and vague references that attempt to pass themselves off as jokes, director Mel Brooks ruled the cinematic world. Although Dead and Loving It ranked on the lower end of Brooks’ cinematic masterpieces, Leslie Nielsen’s clumsy and cynical Dracula brought a decent level of comedy to the character while staying true to the classic count’s killer nature and women-seducing ways. The only laughs you get out of Twilight are retardedly ridiculous lines like, “I didn’t feel like mentioning that my stomach was already full — of butterflies.” Good lord. How do even type that shit with a straight face?
5) Van-pires, Van-Pires
Exactly like it sounds. They’re vampire cars that drink gasoline instead of blood. Wait, lame? Who are we kidding, this idea sounds freaking awesome in the most psychotically bazonkers way possible. If Twilight substituted a vampire car for Edward, as opposed the current characterless brick featured in the book, we’d watch the shit out of that. Throw in a werewolf dune buggy and we’re looking at literary gold.
4) Count Chocula
Introduced by General Mills in 1971, Count Chocula looks more like a dude with a really bad and freaky looking case of buckteeth than a blood-drinking ghoul. Rather than going to a dentist, the entrepreneurial count decided to commit to the part and dressed himself like an earth-toned version of Bela Lugosi. And since he enjoys chocolate more than blood, he launched his own cereal line and provides kids everywhere with chocolately marshmellowly goodness. There’s also his buddies Frankenberry and Boo Berry, but fuck those guys.
3) Count Duckula, Count Duckula
As you’d expect from his name, Count Duckula is a vampire duck hailing from a reality filled with anthropomorphic avian citizens. Think Duckberg, but British. He’s also an actual vegetarian vampire. That’s right, he consumes veggies rather than blood. Duckula actually hails from a long line of “vicious vampire ducks,” but during his most recent resurrection, one of his servants accidentally substituted ketchup for blood. This led to Duckula resenting his vampire ways, instead spending most of his time trying to gain fortune and fame as an entertainer. As ridiculous as the reason may be, at least we know why Duckula’s a crazed vegetarian. Twilight‘s reason is that they’re being “good vampires.” No, Twilight, that’s just being a shitty vampire.
2) Bunnicula, Bunnicula
?Bunnicula is a rabbit found by a family in a theater playing the film Dracula. His unique fangs give him strange eating habits, as he feed on carrots by puncturing them and sucking the juice out. He ends up getting into confli… oh, who cares about the story. Look how freaking adorable he is. We’d take that fluffy bunny home in a heartbeat and dress him up in a little cape and everything. People might start wondering when the carrots start disappearing from around the neighborhood, though. We’ll just sick the Rabbit of Caerbannog on them. Science, why are you not making this shit happen already?
1) Count von Count, Sesame Street
?He’s a muppet. Google it. Also, there’s this: