?If everyone who entered this weekend’s “Become a Low-Budget Superhero” actually did become a superhero, well… I’m not sure crime rates would drop, but evil-doers would be very confused and/or disturbed. I asked for entertainment, and you guys did not disappoint; I got some of the best superhero names, missions, methods and battlecrys since The Tick cartoon (seriously, had that show still been on, we could have sold them the results of this contest and probably made a mint). Whittling down the 400+ fantastic entries was nigh impossible, but it had to be done. There were so many Honorable Mentions that I have to put them on two pages.
Tales to Enrage said:
I am the Tower. I will pick up all crime… and drop it from 7 feet down to the ground. For 3 weeks, I shall fight for love, truth, justice, and Newtonian physics. Then, someone will think to shoot me before I drop them. And when I die, my legend shall be born.
Girl Crush. Like in the movie Deadly Weapons, I will get FFF-sized breasts and work at a strip club that the criminals frequent. I’ll then lure them to a private room, making them think they are going to get some, and instead crush them to death with my oversized breasts. Secondary weapon — a clamping, metal teeth contraption in my vagina.
I would be The Larper (as in Live Action Role-Player) and my weapon would be a homemade sword made of rubber and latex. My costume would be some medieval looking clothes and a cape. My archenemy would be Bono from U2 and I would stand by, ready to hammer him over the head with my rubber sword every time he opens his stupid mouth.
Jim North said:
The Cosplayer, beating up criminals while dressed as other superheroes.
The Warehouser. I would use my nerd rage to gather personal info on evildoers, build up their credit as necessary, and get credit cards in their name. Months to years later I would make embarrassing purchases in their name and have their new offensive objects shipped visibly to their homes and offices. Finding out that you just bought several homoerotic Real Dolls is bad enough, but when they’re made in the likeness of your boss and on their knees in your cubicle.
I would totally be THE LAWMAN. That’s the most exciting name possible for a crime fighter who bases himself on the LAW & ORDER franchise (also, I am not calling myself THE DICK WOLF). I would use Briscoe one-liners to humiliate bad guys, and my Stabler-rage to beat them senseless. My weapons would be police batons covered in newspaper, ripping crime WITH the headlines! My costume would be a domino mask, Tutuola’s haircut, Munch’s glasses, and Goren’s suit. How will I beat my nemesis, The CSInstigator? Watch and find out!
Obvious superhero is obvious. I’d be The Topless Robot, costume matches the logo and it would be capable of shooting lasers from the nipples. All my catch phrases would derive from the site.
I would be RageCage!! My powers would be simple, any time Hollywood execs put that hack Nicolas Cage in a movie, I would be SO FILLED WITH RAGE that I would storm the studio and beat them all senseless until they realized just how much his sorry monotone ass sucks as an actor! Damn them for putting Cage in ‘Kick-Ass’! Damn them all to hell!
There’s more on the next page. Up, up and away!
The Mentions of Honor continue!
I am…. the Puppy Censor. From the comfort of my computer, I singlehandedly remove from the media all of the pictures for the advertisements for helping abused animals, though keeping the text intact. No longer having to view these pictures, over a billion percent of all sorrow-induced rage is eliminated. This significantly reduces crime-rate all over the world. And I have done my duty.
Grocery girl. In-store baker by night and super-crime fighter by day (hey, somebody has to make the doughnuts, right?) I fight crime with a CAN. Of creamed corn. In my green recycled polyurethane hood and biodegradable plastic bag-cape, I carry all the cutlery the Kitchen Needs department can produce. Justice and mercy? That, my friends, is on aisle 5.
I would be The Fangirl, striking terror into the hearts of evil everywhere with an array of officially licensed gear to represent my favorite series and franchises, unless I’m taking the weekend off for an anime convention or Doctor Who marathon. If all else fails, I’ll defeat my foes by forcing them to read the awful, sappy, and thoroughly out-of-character fan fiction I’ve written about them!
I am… The Stereotype. Dressed as what everyone thinks the typical Comic-Con attendee looks like (Spock ears, Superman cape, carrying a plastic lightsaber), I annoy all evildoers into submission by rambling on and on about the greatness of Joss Whedon. My only weaknesses are mainstream media reports of comics “not just being for kids anymore”.
Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle Girl! You can tell where I am or how fast I’m moving, but never both at the same time.
I would be The Cowboy From The Future. I wouldn’t actually be a cowboy from the future (the would just be silly), I would just be a guy who dressed as a cowboy with my arm wrapped in tinfoil to make it look futuristic, and maybe wear a virtual boy around by neck, and tell people that I was from the future and tried to travel back 1874 but ran out of plutonium.
I would rent a DeLorean, drive around until I found someone sitting on a park bench reading a newspaper, jump out of the car and scream “WHAT YEAR IS THIS!?!?” whilst grabbing the paper to check the date. I’m not sure if this would help fight crime, it couldn’t hurt and I’ve always wanted to do it.
I would be Karma Police, and I would go after anyone who’s being a huge douche. I of course would quote the song at any chance I get, like if I got questioned about my whereabouts by a friend I would simply say “Phew, for a minute there I lost myself. I lost myself,” and other lame things. My weapon: my words of course, a sharp tongue and fast reflexes.
I’m Doc-Doc-Doctor Dick
Goin’ around, makin’ the fanboys sick
Findin’ hentai of your favorite show
Postin’ it on the ‘net everywhere you go
No one is safe, can’t escape my wrath
You can’t get clean even with an acid bath
The more innocent the character, the worse it’ll be
Doctor Dick, that’s the name, you cannot un-see!
I’ve thought about this since I was a little girl – I would make a way better villainess though… I would call myself DAMSEL DREADFUL! Trapping super heros by posing as a damsel in distress…when they’d come to save me I’d strike!
Crazy Elf said:
The Pole Dancer. Although this should be fairly self-explanatory, the costume consists of skimpy clothing and great big knee-high boots. The weapon is, obviously, a large metal pole, probably hollowed out so that you can actually swing the thing. Targets are rapists and people that don’t tip well.
I would be Stan The Man. I would dress like Stan Lee and solve crimes. My attire: sweater vests, slacks, and dark glasses. When I would have the solution to the crime I would shout out “Excelsior!” and do a jump into the air. I would have no powers except the vocabulary of Stan Lee, his story writing, and can appear when I’m needed most. When pushed to the extreme I would attempt to Hulk out, only achieving it once.
Two words: Catpain Dyslexia
Harley Beckett said:
I felt that DC had taken a rather limited view of the ’emotional spectrum’ during the ‘Blackest Night’ crossover. Surely there was potential for more obscure colours and emotions? Enter the Beige Lantern Corps!
I spent a sleepless night coming up with a number of possible oaths for the Corps, and the following is the best (and cleanest):
“Not fueled by will, or hope, or rage,
A power that’s too strong to gauge,
Cannot be fought, cannot be caged.
If you’re smug, your colour’s beige!”
Beige = The Colour of pure smug.
I would be “Fuck you Alta Loma High School Class of 2001”-lass. And I would beat the living shit out of all the douchey corporate holier-than-thou fuckers who made my life hell for four years. And I’m not wearing a costume, because I want those bastards to see who’s repeatedly introducing her knee to their face. Remember making fun of the goth who plays M:TG at lunch, Chelsea McEntee? Remember when you tackled her into a fence, Adam Neichreiner? I don’t care how fat, married or pregnant you are now — bite the curb, assholes.
Rob Die-feld. My duties would consist solely of standing beside Rob Liefeld and slapping the pencil out of his hand whenever he tries to draw something. My powers include a sensible color scheme and an average human anatomy, which are anathema to my quarry. Of course, I couldn’t carry any equipment, as excessive belt pouches drive me into an inarticulate rage.
I will be The Odds, I will fight crime by getting n’er-do-wells mauled by a polar bear and a grizzly bear on the same day. As they meet their fate they will cry out “What are the Odds!”
I would be called The One and Only… Magnificent Bastard! My weapons of choice would be pepper-spraying devices strapped to my wrists. Think Spidey’s web shooter. I’d also carry around a taser, beanbag gun and a Louisville slugger. No killing. Just ass-kicking. I’d focus on kicking the crap out of deadbeat dads who don’t pay child support. I mean, as a bastard myself, I need to look after my own.
I’d be Lehrer Lass, my uniform would be a lab coat and lab goggles, and my power would be to confuse my opponents into submission by singing the periodic table in tune to ‘I am the very model of a modern major general.’ If that didn’t work, I’d whip out ‘New Maths’ or ‘Poisoning Pigeons in the Park’ and by that stage they would be befuddled into submission. XD
(if I get an honourable mention or higher, I will post a video of myself dressed as Lehrer Lass singing Tom Lehrer’s Element Song full speed with the backing track in a single take. I am dead serious.) [Pony up, Mittens. -Rob]
I’d be lawsuit boy. I slip and fall at the Mob’s hideout and win huge cash settlements. My one weakness: cement shoes and rivers.
Interestingly enough, a friend and I worked out our version of the ordinary life superhero a few years back, and I’m proud to describe him here. His costume – a wrestling singlet topped with a giant bear head. His super transportation — an electric dirt bike on which he silently prowls the streets of our nation’s capitol. His nemeses — the muggers and lowlifes who stalk the innocent by night. His powers of justice — well, actually he just uses a taser. His name — TROUBLE BRUIN.
Professor Easter. I would wow my enemies by combining my unparalleled powers of English rhetoric with my exceptional ability to speak eloquently despite the presence of up to forty-seven Peeps in my mouth. No human being is capable of not watching with complete fascination when someone tries to stuff that many Peeps in their mouth. I could be in the same room as a boxing match between Osama bin Laden and George Bush jr. and everyone would still watch with morbid fascination to see if I could put just one more in my mouth. Yeah. That’s what she said.
And I’d like to give a special mention to dmnyo‘s Professor Doctor Champion Asshole Man for appointing himself the TR Comment Bastard. Not at all heroic, but pretty funny nonetheless. Winners on the next page.
Three winners. A great deal of cleverness. Superladies and supergentlemen, your winners are:
caprica jason said:
Captain Carry-Out! My costume, an enormous white replica of a Chinese take-away carton, would appear ungainly and awkward. But lo!, it has storage compartments, cleverly concealed behind red pagodas and irrelevant astrological symbols, whence I draw forth rancid carry-out to hurl on unsuspecting (or perhaps suspecting, given the costume) ne’er-do-wells. Having thus pelted my enemies into submission with foul foodstuffs, I will handcuff them and take them to the local precinct, whereupon I will deliver an hilariously bad line, like, “Officer, I believe this man has ordered a number 25… to life.”
My weapon is my paintball gun, modified to fires flechettes made of sharpened pennies. My armor is old sporting equipment. I travel on the wheels of my in-line skates, seeking out evil and injustice. Thanks to the economic downturn, I fight crime on an unforgiving budget. I am… Cheap Skate.
This is easy as it’s my life! I am Super Ocean Lad, aquatic vigilante and defender of 6 of 7 seas. Resplendent in blue shorts, a golden cape and sea-green anti-crime top emblazoned with golden waves and the letters which strike fear in the hearts of soggy super villains everywhere, S.O.L.!
Like Aquaman, I talk to fishes. Sadly, they rarely listen and while I cannot breathe underwater, I can hold my breath for up to thirty seconds.
Finally, what superhero is complete without a villain? Who dares defy the damp justice of S.O.L.? The nefarious Black Manatee, a plus sized super villain who uses his mammalian inteligence to exploit my lone weakness. I cannot swim.
Super Ocean Lad, keeping sandbars and other shallow marine/estuarine environments free from super villainy! EXCELSIOR!
J22 replied to SuperOceanLad:
Why only 6 of 7 seas?
SuperOceanLad replied to J22:
Some of us know our limits.
I don’t have anything brilliant to say — spending 4 hours judging 400 exceptionally funny superhero ideas will do that to you — but thanks to everyone for entering. Excelsior, bitches!