Miscellaneous

Alien Haiku: And the Winners Are…

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ET-michael-jackson.jpg

?mythbri said:

Alien haiku
contest on Topless Robot?
Insert probe joke here.

Mythbri certainly had it right — I asked for haiku based on aliens, and you guys came back with one kajillion probe jokes and put them right in this contest’s metaphorical anus. I’d say a good fifth of all the entries were probe-in-ass related, meaning I spent most of yesterday reading haiku about having things stuck in your butt by aliens, and trying to figure out which of them was best. This is why when my relatives ask what I do, I just say “I’m a freelance writer.”

Anyways, as per usualy with the haiku contests, I have a ton of Honorable Mentions, all of which are after the jump. Clench your buttocks and come with me, won’t you?


Man it was hard narrowing these down to thirty Honorable Mentions; the haiku always are. But that’s because you guys are all funny bastards, and for whatever reason the haiku contests really put you at the top of your game. I know a feel people get annoyed with ’em, but I think I’m going to have to run a few more — the results are just too good.Case in point:


mythbri said:

I’m hoping that no
Vogons enter this contest.
They could kill us all.


Sci-Fi Gene said:

Ak ak ak ak ak
Akak akak ak akak
Ak ak akak ak.


atgdng said:

Shiny pepper pot
Exterminating away
Keep stiff upper lip


Rocco said:

Rob let us rethink
Arizona’s border law
It covers E.T.


Rook said:

Alien Side Boob
Pissing off Fox and mothers
Extreme sexual stuff


Krakes said:

Where is my Ka-boom?
My Earth-shattering Ka-boom?
Curse that Bugs Bunny!


Kevin said:

Why must you probe us?
The secrets of my species
Are not kept up there.


Bill Binder said:

Maternal instinct
Get away from her you bitch!
flesh against metal


Freezer Burn said:

Greetings puny man!
May peace grow for our races,
Now enjoy probing.


kalyarn said:

Giant phalluses!
Oh? No. Just sandworms from Dune.
Ride that penis, Paul.


FireKraken said:

Drunken Ewok brawl
Fucking up the Today Show
Now Roker’s pregnant


Matt said:

wait, technically
the predator is really
an alien too

and you couldn’t say
that the alien doesn’t
hunt people a lot

I’m starting to think
that really both of these names
are just space racism


TrapJaw said:

In lost eggs of jade
Lonely sleepers within dream
Of a last embrace


Serpentor said:

“…your leader.” They said.
I told them: “It’s Rob Bricken.”
now they have the shirts.


Bad Horse said:

Recognizing traps
Is a sign of strong command
Ackbar deserves praise

Planet Pandora
Naughty tentacle heaven
Horses don’t scream rape


RobTUACHS said:

Super 8 Monster
Forgiven for wreck because
Christ died on the cross


gracekelly said:

Yoda, my name is
I don’t feel love for no hoes
Oh yes, shack that ass!


girr11 said:

Galactus hungers!
Find me low calorie worlds
Last one straight to thighs


Andrea said:

Hey, check this shit out.
These potatoes mean something-
SOMETHING IMPORTANT!


Prophet for Profit said:

Attention Earthlings:
You weren’t abducted or probed.
You had gay sex. Deal.

Zim’s conquest is nigh!
…one Hot Topic at a time
Pyrric Victory

Yoda was much better
When a hand was up his ass
When else is this true

You know, Wharf’s forehead
Really looks like my scrotum
Enjoy those reruns


Lincolnparadox said:

Prince Vultan, you have
but to give me the command,
for you I will DIIIIIIIIIIVE!


monkeypicked said:

martian prostitute
with three breasts… i’d motorboat that.
yep, i’m a girl too.


Boyle said:

Martian Manhunter
suffers from malnutrition.
Fucking Oreos.

All great stuff. Trying to figure out the winners was immensely difficult, but happily, many of you guys announced this guy the winner, and I was too spineless to argue:


OnanRulz said:

Where’d E.T. touch you
With his brightly-lit finger?
Show me on the doll.

Leela’s a mutant,
But you still have old Zoidberg.
YOU ALL HAVE ZOIDBERG.

“What did he order?!”
“Oh, he ordered the special.”
“Change mine to the soup!”

I have to admit these haiku are pretty much perfect. He nails E.T., Futurama and Spaceballs all in consummate 5-7-5 gform. Ol’ Onanrulz certainly earned the win, even if he was like the second guy who commented in the contest article. Next…


Andrea said:

Young people don’t know –
This scared us in the nineties.
Actually scared us.

Every night, frightened,
Hidden under pillow mounds,
Praying they’d miss me.

Convinced the blue light
Would shine through my window pane
And float me away.

It took a three-haiku cycle, but Andrea here articulated my all-consuming childhood dread of getting abducted by aliens in haiku much better than I did. I assume at least some of you once shared Andrea’s and my fear of aliens and understand why I picked it. If not, whatever, my blog. And last but certainly not least:

Some Random Chick said:

Chest bursting with pride,
My spawn took over the base.
Game *is* over, man

Sorry, but no other Alien-themed haiku held a candle to this. There were plenty of great ones, but “Chest bursting with pride” just blows me away with its brilliance, and recognizing that with a TR shirt is the least I can do. Thanks to everyone who entered, as always.

About Author

Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.