E3 “Hate” Trifecta: Castlevania: Lords of Shadow, Final Fantasy XIV, Tron: Legacy

Last E3 trifecta, I swear. Probably. I mean, unless something else happens.

? Goddammit, this 3-D Castlevania game is such a God of War rip-off it’s making me literally nauseous with hate. Same fucking combat, same fucking combos, same fucking use of quick-time events… it doesn’t even look like a goddamn Castlevania game. I hope to hell that Kojima has something up his sleeve, because based on everything we’ve seen so far, right now he should be ashamed of himself.

? Actually, there’s nothing intrinsically bad about this footage of Final Fantasy XIV, I’m just still pissed it’s an MMORPG and not a proper FF game. Also, I’m still bitter about FF13 sucking ass, too.

? So let me take a wild guess at the planning meeting for the Tron: Legacy game at Disney Interactive.

Exec #1: So. The Tron Legacy game. What’s the plan?
Exec #2: Well, what do you think players would want out of a Tron game?
Exec #1: Lightcycle fights, obviously.
Exec #2: For sure. And probably the tank game and Space Paranoids.
Exec #1: Sure. Hell, they probably would love a next-gen version of all the game from the original Tron arcade game.
Exec #2.: You’re 100% right.
Exec #1: So…
Exec #2: So.
Exec #1: Let’s not do any of that.
Exec #2: Okay.
Exec #1: In fact, let’s just make a generic platform game
Exec #2: Maybe we can use the engine from The Force Unleashed.
Exec #1: Ooh, good plan.
Exec #2: Will they be able to use the discs still?
Exec #1: Yeah, but we’ll make it no fun. There’ll be no skill involved, it’ll just be a basic attack, like in any other action game.
Exec #2: Nice!
Exec #1: Thank you. But what about the lightcycles? How can we fuck that up?
Exec #2: Oh, you’ll love this — we have the lightcycles, but not the lightcycle game!
Exec #1: What?
Exec #2: Yeah! We let players ride the lightcycles, but not in the game — we’ll have racing levels, with a fixed track, and we won’t use the energy wall-trail things at all!
Exec #1: Dude. That’s brilliant.
Exec #2: Thank you. I’m pretty proud of it, admittedly.
(brief pause)
Exec #1: Would you like to kill some puppies?
Exec #2: Are no babies available?