Fan Fiction Friday: The X-Men in “Dirty X Men”


?The FFF after a ComicsNix installment is always tough; the man’s just a hard act to follow. I’ve given up trying to match his special (oh so special) brand of insanity, and just try to find a fun little romp, like this tale from cybersexbomber. It might not be Toht or Head Asplode worthy, but it does involve superheroes using their superpowers for sexual purposes, which is always entertaining (to me, at least). So welcome to the Dirty X Men — hope you survive the experience.

It all started with a strange bug in the training room in professor’s X
school for the gifted, the cover up for the X men headquarters. The
mutants were practicing their skills against a sentinel replica in the
training mode program. But suddenly, one of the robots, instead of
fighting Psyche, grabbed her by her thighs, and trapped her in his arms.
At first she fought back but when she saw the robot’s phallic
proportion vibrating she changed her mind and let him take her, after
all “this is just a game anyway” she thought, “better make the most of
it”. His metallic dick rubbed against her vagina until it was wet and
penetrated her mechanically. His sexual organ functioned like a vibrator
and Psyche was quickly taken aback by it, and started to enjoy herself,
moaning and grunting, she completely forgot were she was as she started
having several juicy orgasms.

Ignoring the mystery of why any robot in the Danger Room would have a dick — unless, of course, the danger was specifically supposed to be HOLY SHIT THERE’S A RAMPAGING ROBOT AND IT HAS A PENIS — think we should assume that by “Psyche” cybersexbomber means “Psylocke”? I would think so, although I very much like the idea of him only hearing about the X-Men secondhand and getting confused by Cyclops, Psylocke, and Cyclops’ nickname Cyke. More after the jump!

The other X-men were astounded at first but then got excited fairly

Wolverine smelt the odour of her honey spreading the room

“Psyche” has a beehive in her vagina; noted.

and pushed by
his animal instinct, jumped on Jen Grey and spread her on the floor; he
ripped her pants apart and licked her vagina wildly like a savage wolf.

Like a dog. Got it.
Also, “Jen Grey”? Maybe this is an erotic fan fic about bootleg X-Men toys from Mexico.

His dick pierced his pants and penetrated Jean wildly. He fucked her
like a dog,

No, seriously, we got it.

his dick covered with hair like the one of a wolf,

A wolf is not that different from a dog, sex metaphor-wise.

entered her in a frantic pace, like a dog,


his tongue out to lick her
lips. He finished inside her, but his dick only got harder from his
orgasmic pleasure, astonished by his endurance she came in admiration.
He turned her body so that she got on her knees, and fucked her even
faster, as he grabbed her tits and scratched her back, smelling her
sweet sweat rolled down her neck, he came again and got even harder and
bigger, he dug deeper in her and she came again, he ass inflated with
pleasure as her muscles gave up with orgasmic bliss.

I was about to correct him for how Wolverine’s penis seems to be working in reverse, but I was immediately boggled by “her ass inflated with pleasure.” I can think of about five things that means, and none of them are least bit sexually appealing to me. Of course, if orgasms can make Wolverine’s dick harder and bigger, maybe it also works as a bicycle pump.

Her relaxed butt
being like a good strong couple of skin pillows,

Question for the ladies — a date refers to your buttocks as “skin pillows.” Your response?

wolverine started
pounding on her harder and harder until she was lying completely face
down on the floor, with each stroke he reached the very bottom of her
uterus and her clitoris throbbed in pleasure so that she couldn’t help
from uttering little animal screams. As her vagina was pounded against
the floor she started coming again, and her orgasm just seemed to get
stronger with each blow, she lost her mind so that everything became one
continuous string of pleasure, not knowing even how many times she was

Well, it is remarkably difficult to count when someone’s inflating your skin pillows with his dick.

Cyclops undressed Storm while she was in the air with small warm vision
shots on the right spots of her suit, her cape and each part of her suit
fell gently on the floor and he caressed her vagina with his warm

Wow. So. Cyclops is shooting Storm in the vagina with his eye beams. I just wanted to make sure that was clear.

Her moans gave gusts of wind, and when he started tickling her
clitoris a cloud started growing over her pounding to the rhythm of her
convulsing G-spot. As she gets closer to the edge the room is invaded by
a tempest, thunder starts rowing, and a strong wind gushes forward.
When she came, powerful rain came down on the room and everyone was
soaked in her bliss.

A rain of Storm’s vaginal lubrication! That… that won’t help the crops grow.

Banshee felt challenged by Cyclops’s performance but she knew she could
do better and quicker than that.

I haven’t followed X-Men for quite a while, so I assumed Banshee was this dude:

banshee 2.jpg

?…but a bit of research tells me he has a daughter named Siryn with the same power who occasionally calls herself Banshee when the regular Banshee is dead or something. Still, if you want to imagine a muttonchopped Irishman going down on Cyclops, go for it

Seeing the bulge in his nylon pants,
she came behind him and grabbed his dick, she dissolved the tissues of
his pants with her special power through her hand and gently squeezed
his dick, he felt as if he had just penetrated the warmest and tightest
vagina in the world, she just let her hand there applying heat waves and
pressure without even stroking his cock she made him come just by
holding and warming his dick with her special power.

Again, I’m not up Siryn’s full powers, but I’m not certain that “pants disintegration” and “sonic penis warming” is among them. Also, the idea of anyone trying to heat my dick makes me very, very uncomfortable.

He could believe he
had come so easily, as it all happened so quickly. She was very
satisfied and turned on by her accomplishment and soon begun caressing
his cock so that he would have a second erection, she then started
caressing it with her butt being ready to feel his manhood. Cyclops
drove her to the wall, took her pants off and penetrated her tight pussy
from behind.

I had never heard of anyone, fictional or otherwise, caressing anything with his/her ass until this moment. Now that I have, I just feel all empty and cold inside.

Professor X was in his screening room and as he watched the terrible
orgy unleashing at the training facility, called phoenix and told her:
“We must stop this with our mental powers!”

They started concentrating but instead of focusing on their task the
images from the orgy turned them on, Jean Grey portrays Professor X
taking her clothes of with his mind, levitating from his chair and
penetrating her longing soul in mid air,

Professor X is going to fuck Jean Grey in her soul. Holy shit.

as the images went through
Professor X head the only thing he could picture was phoenix’s beautiful
vagina, the shape of an iridescent shell,


with it’s many layers,


his mind he started caressing every inch of it like a painter would
stroke his canvas with his pencil.

what in god’s name are you talking about

Except the paint came from the canvas
this time, each stroke allowed phoenix burning skin to be wet by her
honey, she spread her legs and Professor X concentrated even more, the
image of her vagina spreading like an octopus

you have no idea what a vagina looks like, do you

and invading his mind,
enveloping it with it’s tentacles, at the head of the octopus lied a
small medusa that kept growing and pounding,


it was her clitoris, as he
concentrated solely on that point with all his mind, she started
screaming in pleasure as she reached her first orgasm. Professor X
glided through her body with his mind following the waves of her orgasm,
from her clitoris to her outer lips to her asshole and her curves, down
to her legs to the tip off her toes and up to her belly button, to her
perfect breasts and to the tip of her nipples and to her lips, her eyes
and the bottom of her soul, he descends again to her heart and tickles
her stomach before going again into her vagina, getting himself ready to
bring her to a chain of never-ending orgasms with the power of his

Fantastic. I’ll never be able to look at a vagina again without imagining Professor X’s head astrally projecting out of it. And now neither will you! “TO ME, MY X-MEN! THIS PUSSY AIN’T GOING TO FUCK ITSELF!”

As Magneto was getting terribly bored in his secret hideout, Mystique
called him to the spycam room: “Look what’s happening!” she said, “Our
enemies are having an orgy!”

Awoken from his melancholy, he looked at the screens and excited by the
view of that rare gangbang, he suggested: “Maybe we can have some fun

Well, of course.

“Why don’t you turn to some one sexier?” he said looking at her

And that’s why he’s not called Magneto, Master of Chivalry.

“I’m offended…don’t you think I’m sexy like that?”

“You look like a redheaded Smurfette.”

“I prefer Jennifer Lopez.”

Instantly she took the shaper of a naked JLO.

“That’s better…now lay down on that metal chair”

I’d be boggled at the idea of Magneto wanting to fuck Jennifer Lopez, but I’m far more disturbed how the hell Mystique is supposed to lie down in a chair.

As she obeyed, he manipulated the iron of the chair with his power so
that it trapped her hands and feet to it.

“Now let’s have some fun.” He said with a grin.

“I didn’t know you were into bondage,” she said with a concerned smile.

“And a lot more!” he laughed.

“Ha Ha! Now I’ll go get some Barbie dolls, some orange juice and a gun, and you turn into Bob Saget circa Full House.”

He made the metal clutch her legs and spread them apart as another piece
of metal went into her mouth like a finger she could bite on, more
strands of metal shaped like tweezers grabbed her nipples, and spread on
her tits like liquid metal massaging her breasts, the feel of cold
metal made her nipples hard instantly and she gave a sigh of delight.

Nothing more erotic that biting down on hunks of metal.

“So you are into bondage after all!” he said, “Give me another shape!”

She became Christina Aguilera as a three fingered metal hand touched her
belly and ran down to caress her utter lips unleashing a flow of liquid
that wet the metal and made it shine. As she started moaning, Magneto
accumulated metal in his hands and sculpted it in his hand to form an
exact replica of his penis, he warmed it up in his hands, pointed it to
Mystique’s vagina and made the head of the metal dildo spin, as she saw
that she said “oh” and became Denise Richards. Watching the curve off
her beautiful lips and green eyes, Magneto propelled the dildo like an
arrow straight into her uterus.

God help me, as terrible and stupid as this all is, I would be nothing but entertained if I saw a video of someone actually firing a dildo into someone’s vagina.

As the dildo penetrated her she moaned in pleasure and became Naomi
Campbell. The metal dildo drove in and out of her giving her extreme
pleasure with it’s rotating head. As she was getting more and more
excited she turned into other woman frantically: Jennifer Love Hewitt,
Britney Spears, Jennifer Aniston, Sabrina, Whitney Huston, and Mariah

Oh my lord. There’s something awfully specific about these actresses and celebrities — it’s clearly a list no one would randomly think of, which means cybersexbomber thought of them specifically. Which means there’s a pretty good chance that these are the celebrities whose pictures he masturbates to. Which means there’s also a good chance that cybersexbomber has fantasized about this specific tale while playing with his little bomber. Whether that’s more or less disturbing that Professor X’s popping out of a girl’s hoohah is up to you. Also: Sabrina? As in the Teenage Witch? And when the hell was Whitney Houston last attractive? 1991 or something? Good lord, man. There are supermodels and porn stars out there. Time to update.

The stimulation was becoming so intolerable that soon enough she
was at the brink of orgasm. As magneto sensed this, he slowed down a bit
and made the whole dildo slowly twist in her vagina. When the dildo had
turned three times on itself she came screaming in bliss with I high
pitch worthy of Mariah’s best songs: she turned into every single woman
of the world at incredible speed while her long and strong orgasm made
her loose any notion of her individuality, she became a cosmic woman.
Magneto was content with having made all womankind come through

Every single woman in the world? Including this one?


?I’d rather Cyclops give me a laser-beam handjob, frankly.

But also this game had made him harder than steel and he made the metal
chair come near him so that Mystique’s mouth came just a few inches away
from his bulge, the piece of metal she had in her mouth spread apart
and like with a couple of hooks opened Mystique’s mouth. As he made his
pants drop, her mouth swallowed his steel hard-on at once. She avidly
sucked hard on his dick has he then stared back at the surveillance
spycam image witch depicted Wolverine coming for the fifth time and the
others exhausted from their several orgasms.

“I didn’t think spying on your enemy could be so much fun!” exclaimed

And that’s the end. I think we can assume Magneto would have gotten his rocks off, if cybersexbomber hadn’t, uh, finished his “story” a little early. Hopefully you found it a bit traumatic. If not…


?…hopefully that helps.