Tweets from the Death Star: And the Winners Are…


?Everyone. Everyone is a winner — everyone who entered the Tweets from the Death Star contest, hell everyone who just read ’em. The contest had nearly 500 comments — meaning about 2500 entries, since it was five “tweets” per person — which made for a whole lot of nerdy entertainment. And I can prove it, too!

For instance, I don’t think a single TR list or article or contest has ever gotten as many tweets as this thing — 170! Second, ScifiWire was so bemused that they made their own Top 20 list out of my contest, which is actually very weird when you think about it, but whatever. Last and certainly not least, one bright lad actually started a DeathStarTweets account at Twitter, where he’s been tweeting not only the best tweets from the contest, but a few of his own. You definitely need to follow him if you’re on Twitter.

See? Told you I could prove it. Now before you hit the jump, please understand that many people did not pay strict attention (or didn’t give a shit) and just made general Star Wars tweets. I allowed these people to get Honorable Mentions, because why the hell not. Now check out some of the finest tweets to emanate from the Death Star.

Ooh — one more thing before we start — just to clarify. People who are sending the tweets are labeled as the name followed by a colon. Any name with an “@” in front of it is a person being replied to. Some entries don’t have names, just people they’re tweeting, as it were. Which is fine. A few HMs have more than one tweet listed; tweets listed directly after each other are part of a conversation, tweets separated by a space have nothing to do with each other. Anyways, on with the show.

MattK said:

TK421: Nocked out, yelld at 4 not @ post, and lost uniform to boot. ASSigned 2 garding cell blok 1138. Could this day get ANY worse? FML

Zombie Wolfman said:

Clonelover: LOL just saw gay golden droid come out of closet. Also Gary’s dead.

MattK said:

Clone1028: Got security vid of @Clone3827 bumping head on door. He thought no 1 noticed. LOL Watch & comment:

Arsenal said:

@BigPapaPalpintine You sure you don’t want to to order a thermal exhaust post cover? They are like 20 credit

Jonesie said:

DarthSidious: @Vader Please don’t choke the staff, they don’t grow on trees, Oh wait. LMAO

Han: @Chewbacca WTF, did you leave outside the bridge.
AdmiralAckbar: @Han @Chewbacca It’s a Crap

Michael said:

Clone9376: @Clone7245 You think your job sucks? Big green laser breezes past me and I don’t even have a rail to lean against.

Sean said:

Nerf_Herder: No shit, Sherlock. RT @Ol_Ben That’s no moon

Cobra Commander said:

ERguard1: @ERguard3 so you’re telling me we get 401K for just standing around in a red bath robe?

JK said:

Gunner2103: @Porkins Yo momma’s so fat, before she sat down the main weapon was an outie.

Guard2644: Just saw Vader go into the cell of the only female in the galaxy. Had big S&M ball with him.

Mason said:

Gold_5 RT @Gold_5 hey @GoldLeader maybe you should STAY ON TARGET

CorellianPimp: I can’t believe they bought that. 12 parsecs? Might as well have been 573 wookiemiles. 9384 jawameters. Effing N00bs.

flipper baby said:

Palp: Get a load of this fully armed & operational sex robot

Wino said:

R2D2DaShizit: Why do these MFer’s not understand I am telling them Vader is their F’ing DAD! Beep wooo Beep Beep Wooo MFer’s!!!!

thelordofhell said:

ewok3967: 911!! What wine goes with stormtrooper meat?
ewok1138: @ewok3967 I’d try a Chatteau Bernard ’34….fruity but not too pretentious 🙂
ewok3967: @ewok1138 THX 1138!! U R LIFESAVER!! 🙂
ewok1138: @ewok3967 Nub Nub 🙂

zughammer said:

RedLeader: All wings report in
Red2: @RedLeader Standing by
Anonymous: @RedLeader Red Foreman standing by
Anonymous: @RedLeader Red Skelton standing by
Anonymous: @RedLeader Red Dead Redemption standing by
Anonymous: @RedLeader Red Rover standing by
RedLeader: @Red2 Wedge, i think we just got hijacked by 4chan

Pastiche said:

@ReactorShaftTech5 Did an old man just fall past your station too?

Bowlingpete said:

WaxOnWaxMoff: Terrorist attack a government structure, and WE’RE the bad guys?! #NVR4GET

Monty Prime said:

STrooper95: Wait, why the fuck is there a reactor on the prison level? What purpose could that serve?

STrooper95: I think that guy was lying. He seemed polite though. Wish more people asked how I was.

Diddy_Mao said:

BigPoppaPalpatine: 3500 credits per foot for guard rails? These contractors don’t know who they’re messing with!
Vader: @BigPoppaPalpatine Yeah but there IS a really big hole in your throne room. Are you sure you won’t rethink your decision?
BigPoppaPalpatine: @Vader Noooooooooooooooo!
Vader: @BigPoppaPalpatine: ……

Frito said:

DamFOol: Who is the bigger fool: the fool or the fool who follow him?

*You are no longer following DamFOol*

Murphys law said:

Guard33: Man it always smells like trash on cell block 1138. Why the hell did they have to put a vent to the trash compactor right in the hallway?!

Zukuss said:

KesselRunner: Tried running 2 other side of Detention Block, but it just ends at garbage chute, the rest is a painting! #cheapassimperials

hot pockets said:

stormingormin: LOLLERS @ imperial guards.
bobbieplasticpants: @stormingormin, they wear fucking red fucking dresses & they have fucking staffs. we shoot laser guns but these 8′ tampons r totally gonna stab u
stormingormin: @bobbieplasticpants watching one now. silent. looks like he’s trying to eat. using staff as fork. having trouble shoving food into enormous twat-helmet. adorable.

JPyke said:

Clone1459: Saw @Clone6721 fall off a rail-less platform today. He totally Wilhelm’d.

Kegs said:

SooprTrupr: It’s really more of a “Death Planet”, though. Isnt it? Or “Death Moon”, at the very least.

TheMoff: Sent Mother-in-law to Alderraan.

CK said:

ScoutTrooper12345: Down on Endors moon. Natives are these rad little teddy bears. Stashed one in my rucksack. Gonna teach him to fetch me beer. FTW!!


Vader: @LukeSkywalker I fucked your mother….
LukeSkywalker: @Vader go home Dad your Drunk.

More Twittery madness on the next page!


Scooter Atreides said:

YouveGotBail: @MamaMothma DS just entered our orbit. Right, like old Emperor P-Funk’s got the onions to whack an unarmed planet!:D
MamaMothma: @YouveGotBail LOL I almost hope he does–Shit, you can’t buy that kinda publicity! We’d have more new recruits than Jabba the Hutt has sex robots!;)
YouveGotBail: @MamaMothma Ha Ha, You su

Snatch1414 said:

@Trooper8761 Dude, don’t say anything but I’m in the ship that just came in and I need clothes….. now. Don’t ask just help me.

Sci-Fi Gene said:

GMTarkin: remember Tuesday is Bring Your Child To Work Day! DV inviting his son too…

Pnutmaster said:


JesseMXGangl said:

CellBlock3A25: Bumped into interrogation droid–accidental needle stick. Droid just finished w/ Twi’lek prostitute in D17. Off to infirmary. #FML

Trooper3446: @Trooper6101 DV’s been in the bathroom for like 20 min. now. You think he’s still got bits down there or does it all go in a sack?

FictionAddiction said:

GruntTrooper: Great. Guess who gets to clean fried Porkins off the North Tower causeway?

Chris Blake said:

Darth: hey @luke I can’t DM you if you don’t follow me back

Odemit said:

SpacePlumbr13: Working 12 hour shifts now. I thought 10 hours was bad! Fuck Tarkin. Can’t wait to transfer to new project at Endor

ManaByte said:

Biggs_Red3: @Luke_Red5 at that speed are you sure you’ll be able to pull out in time?
Luke_Red5: @Biggs_Red4 It’ll be just like Beggar’s Canyon back home.
Biggs_Red3: @Luke_Red5 Uh, dude. No one was supposed to know about that. We were pretty wasted.

AceMcCloud said:

HanSolo: @Lando, then I was like “where all fine here now” then I shot the console, epic

viznix said:

Clone6693: Walked past the prisoners cell. WTF is up with her hair. I don’t know whether to give her a brush or take a bite out of those cinnabuns.

Ominouri said:

Former_Republic_Clone: To think, a few years ago, I was trying to stop this place from ever being built. Now thanks to this place, I have dental. Life’s funny

Emperor_Palpatine: I like to think of this place as Satan’s bowling ball

Freshenstein said:

SpamBot5367: Increase the size of your lightsaber now! for more info!

13rian said:

501STud: Patrolled D-Bay9 today. Saw HUGE chunk text float by outside. Need to lay off the death sticks.

Slightly Illegal said:

clone2344: RT @clone5476 RT @clone3265 RT @clone1475 RT @clone6214 RT @clone0987 RT @clone6265 RT @clone2265: @boba Happy Birthday Bro!!

amarygma said:

Clone8735: Hey, did you realize that the DS looks like a big floating boob?
Clone4523: @Clone8735 Closest you’ll ever come to one.

Vic20guy said:

EmpororSid: Fine, I didnt need that deathstar anyway. I’m gonna build an even bigger one with blackjack and hookers. In fact, forget the deathstar!

Okay, time for the winners. Here’s the point that I normally list some lengthy and not entirely arbitrary reasons for why I selected certain people over others. This time… not so much. For whatever reason, these tweets just made me laugh the hardest. So without further ado…

DCD said:

CUVader: “If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine” wut? LOL ur dead d00d. #shitmymastersays

SixShooter said:

DeathStarSuperLaserTech: All I have to do is pull this lever, and millions of voices will cry out in anguish, then be suddenly silenced. #tenfootboner

RobRobot said:

DeathStarPR: Don’t think of us as a “Death” Star, think of us as an “Opportunity” Star. #deathstarcares
DeathStarPR: Anyone remember the Jedi Council? “You can’t love ppl!” “Believe what we believe!” “Midichlorians!” Total douchefest LOL! -Palpatine.
DeathStarPR: If they’re really a Rebel “Alliance”, then why aren’t they on our side? #thinkaboutit
DeathStarPR: Here on the Death Star we employ 1,179,293 people with hopes, dreams & families. I guess you could call us the “Life” Star. #deathstarcares

The Life Star indeed. Thanks as always to everyone who entered, as well as all the folks who twittered this contest.