I can’t believe it took me this long to think of this. In the proud TR tradition of mercilessly mocking things before they come out, I would like everyone to imagine what songs — well, the song titles, at least — could be featured in Julie Taymor and Bono and The Edge’s ridiculous Spider-Man musical, Turn Off the Dark. Now remember, the only song we know for sure is “Boy Falls from the Sky”…
…and it’s remarkably douchey, so you need to keep that in mind when thinking up titles. However, there’s also Taymor’s ridiculous costumes and the Swiss Miss to consider, as well as whatever Spider-Man nonsense might make its way to the stage — I see no reason why Gwen Stacy can’t belt out a song while she’s falling to her death, or Spidey might have a tune about being some kind of African spider god and eating a vampire’s face. Here, I’ll get you started:
? “My Web of Lies,” sung by Spider-Man ? “Do the Cocoa-Motive,” sung by Swiss Miss ? “I’m Dressed Like a Scarecrow Because I Need a Heart,” sung by the Green Goblin ? “Goddamn It, the Dark Is Still On, and I Told Someone to Turn Off the Dark an Hour Ago,” sung by J. Jonah Jameson
Everyone gets TWO entries. All I’m looking for are titles; you won’t get any bonus points for lyrics, but if you think of some and want to include them that’s fine. This is a regular TR contest, so winners will get TR shirts, as per usual. The contest ends Monday, 12:01 EST on September the 27th. Here’s the part where I normally make some sly allusion to today’s FFF, but I think we’re pretty much all in agreement that we should never speak of it again.
Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.