Miscellaneous

Harry Potter “Quibbler” Headlines: And the Winners Are…

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?Weird thing about this contest: It was easy for me to pick the Honorable Mentions (about 40 of ’em, or around 11% of entries; it was easy for me to pick the first winner; and yet it was nearly impossible for me to pick the second winner. There were so many worthy entries that it took me over an hour to decide that second t-shirt winner. I don’t really have any lessons to glean from that, I just thought it was worth pointing out. HMs and winners after the jump, but a special Honorable Mention to skrag2112112 for the above pic.


Honorabilis Mentionatus!


LJSLarsson said:

“Voldemort handed over to authorities! Defeated by caped man throwing bat-shaped boomerangs!”


Geoff said:

“WE’D TELL YOU THE QUIDDITCH SCORES, BUT THE GAME MAKES NO SENSE TO US EITHER”


Green Lambkin said:

Dumbeldore’s Dumbelwhores!
Pics on Page 7.


Josh Wright said:

SEVERUS SNAPE REVEALED TO BE HARRY POTTER’S REAL FATHER: “LILY POTTER WAS A FLOOZY,” FELLOW CLASSMATES REPLY


davelog said:

FUDGE PACKS BAGS AS SCRIMGEOUR SLIDES INTO MINISTRY


Roland Of The Tower said:

? PERVERTS HOLD VIGIL AS HERMIONE GRANGER’S 18TH BIRTHDAY DRAWS NEAR

? THE ALMIGHTY GOD REVEALED TO BE SOME MIDDLE AGED BROAD FROM ENGLAND


mythbri said:

“DUMBLEDORE DISCOVERED ALIVE AND TENDING BAR IN DISGUISE AT THE LEAKY CAULDRON!”
“The pressure was just getting to be too much for me,” said the modern era’s most powerful sorcerer, shifting uncomfortably. “I always wanted a simpler life, and – well, it worked out all right in the end, didn’t it?”


Nohbody said:

NEW LINE OF NIMBUS 2000 BROOMS WITH RUMBLE PACK RECALLED!
-When my 12 year old daughter asked for this for her birthday, I kind of wondered if she was too old for it, but she seems to LOVE it!


Jedisilk said:

QUIDDITCH TEAM CHUDLEY CANNONS LOSING STREAK DUE TO LOSER’S LURGY! Team Owner Tightfistio DeCheapia reveals all.


Greg said:

MAD-EYE MOODY’S EYE REPLACED WITH SNITCH – 12 DEAD.


JOBSQUAD said:

Man Bites Dog, Then Bites Self!
…..it was a dog wizard

I would like to point out that this is a terrible newspaper headline, but every time I read it I laugh out loud.


Monkey boy said:

SPECIAL COLLECTOR’S ISSUE! OUR 4,389th consecutive issue featuring Harry Potter on the cover!


S-Charmer said:

Dumbledore consumed by Basilisk and lives to tell tale! Says experience was “Oddly erotic”.


arivalscientist said:

BARTEMIUS CROUCH JR. IS ENGAGED TO HIS CLONE DAUGHTER!!
CEDRIC DIGGORY CAUGHT IN LOVE TRIANGLE WITH MUGGLE WOMAN AND WEREWOLF!!


Roush said:

HOGWARTS INVESTIGATED FOR CHILD ABUSE: Dumbledore Claims relationship with students strictly “magical”


StrawHat said:

DUMBLEDORE AND GANDOLF MEET FOR FIRST TIME, REALIZE THEY’RE THE SAME PERSON, PROCEED TO MAKE OUT.


TheRam said:

? New Magic Spell Discovered!!! Shouting TROMEDLOV Backwards Cures Death! “It really works” declares George Weasley.
? Rubeus Hagrid BUSTED Running Leprechaun Brothel in Daigon Ally — “Not true! I was only visiting an old acquaintance” quotes R. Hagrid


Strolpol said:

“Scrimgeour Overwhelmingly Wins Election, Sends Fudge Packing”
“Peter Pettigrew Arrested on Charges of Indecency for 12 Years of Public Defecation”


Mndrew said:

“HEADLESS HORSEMAN FOUND IN TOPLESS TAVERN!”


Punch Yourself said:

MAGIC MISSILE MISFIRE FROM LUDICROUS LARPER LEAVES ELEVEN LYING LISTLESS
Late bloomer, Brandon T. Funbags, discovered during an Intercon LARP convention that he is a budding wizard when while throwing a bean bag and yelling “Lightning Bolt” three times, an actual lightning bolt struck both parties leaving eleven unconscious and two dead. No word if Hogwarts will accept a fully grown thirty-five year old man into their school, but local authorities are still looking for his whereabouts.


Cavity_Dog said:

“I WANT MY MONEY BACK!”:
Hogwarts grad wants refund of tuition in bleak economy


Joshuawesome said:

? SORTING HAT CHARGED FOR MOLESTING YOUNG CHILDREN AT FAMOUS BOARDING SCHOOL FOR MAGIC
? CRISIS AVERTED! VITAL MAGICAL OBJECT NEEDED TO SAVE THE DAY FOUND IN THE NICK OF TIME! “IT WAS JUST LYING THERE,” SAYS YOUNG HERO WIZARD, “I DIDN’T EVEN DO ANYTHING SIGNIFICANT TO LOOK FOR IT OR ANYTHING”.


DangerMcDanger said:

REMUS LUPIN: IS THIS GUY FUCKIN’ SIRIUS?


JeffJefftyJeff said:

ANONYMOUS SOURCE REVEALS THAT DIAGON ALLEY IS JUST DIAGONALLY SPELLED WEIRD


Algus Underdunk said:

Fudge Held As Probe Widens.


Robaato said:

SHOCKER! HOUSE-ELF DEMANDS PAYMENT FOR SERVICES RENDERED; SHADOWY ORGANISATION “S.P.E.W.” RUMORED TO BE FOMENTING ELF REBELLION


Zortt1 said:

FOUR MUGGLE MEN ENTER HOGWARTS CASTLE, GHOSTS NOW MISSING.


Jinx said:

TIM HUNTER, aka THE BOY WHO LIVED FIRST, FILES SUIT AGAINST POTTER FOR RETURN OF PET OWL, GLASSES, AND SCAR.


Wedgie Antilles said:

ACROMANTULA-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK OPENING DELAYED YET AGAIN
More bad Spelling or Theatre-Elf curse? More on page 32?


Al Harron said:

VOLDEMORT DEFEATS POTTER
Death Eater Sweep Indicated in Wizarding World; Goyle Leads in City
(Newspaper held up by grinning Harry Potter)


Raven6859 said:

? Muggle Interwebs Explored – who or what is Chuck Norris?
? Minister unveils plans for universal Elf care


Dancore said:

HOGWARTS HIRING COMMITEE UNDER INVESTIGATION: “I don’t understand why they keep hiring murderous psychopaths who want to kill us,” anonymous ginger student asks.


Archefox said:

Wizards Need Food Badly!
Hogwarts’ house-elf chefs go on strike.


ThePirateStar said:

“EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH NEW HEADMASTER GANDALF THE WHITE!
GANDALF TO SLACKING STUDENTS “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”


Prophet for Profit said:

Ministry Employs Sorting Hat to Preemptively Arrest Potential Future Slytherins. Civil Rightus Violatus or Common Sensicus?


jc said:

MUGGLE RAPING! Learn more about this new fad amongst Hogwarts students on page 3.

Winneratis… uh… victor… ious… imus… iarmus? Or something?


Sacre_Blues said:

DID HARRY MISS A HORCRUX???: Man Finds Dark Lord in Twinkie

This is the second winning entry I selected; meaning it was in terrifyingly close competition with several of the HMs up above. Don’t think I feel bad about selecting it at all; I just feel bad I couldn’t give out more shirts this week.In the end, I guess I just like the dig at the bullshit of the Horcruxes, the pitch-perfect Weekly World News/Enquirer style, and the idea of a tiny Voldemort face hanging out in the cream-filling of a Twinkie.

You know I try to avoid giving out shirts to previous winners, in order
to spread the love as wide as possible. But sometimes, a previous winner
so utterly crushes a contest that I have no choice but to acknowledge it.


DoctorSmashy said:

CEDRIC DIGGORY DEAD! Sparkly Douchebags Steal Corpse

Sorry, there was just no question here. It didn’t help that Smashy’s second entry was  the excellent “QUIBBLER BREAKS WORLD RECORD! Most Fonts Used In A Single Page” and that over-use of fonts in one of my pet peeves. Don’t hate the game, people — hate the player, since he’s the bastard stealing all the TR shirts I keep trying to give to you poor souls.

Congrats to the HMs and winners, and thanks as always to everyone who entered.

About Author

Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.