?I had a dream I was living through a robot apocalypse the other night. It scared the crap out of me. Much like zombies, robots can be pretty frightening in mass quantities but unlike zombies, who will simply bite you and turn you into one of their own, robots will pretty much just rip your head clean off. Unless they’re the Borg, they don’t really have much use for humans.
Terminators, Cylons, Mechagodzilla, you honestly expect them to take over the world. They look menacing and were created to be extremely dangerous. But what about all those other robots? The ones that seem helpful, and look all innocent and cute? I say these are the ones we need to fear most. These bastards might not be programmed to take over the world, but they could. And we’ll be so busy looking for the Matrix robots we’ll never notice the Roomba rolling behind us, who could slit our throats at any moment. Or at least sever our Achilles’ tendon. The point is: Don’t. Trust. Any of them.
Here are some robots no one would ever expect to rise up and destroy the human race, but easily could if they wanted to. Now bear in mind nitpickers, some of these are androids or cyborgs, some are automatons, heck, some are just verbose computers when you think about it. For the sake of arguments, I’m calling them all robots. Never, ever turn your back on these potential destroyers of humanity.
9) Tik-Tok from Return to Oz
?The Royal Army of Oz is an army of one. Kinda says it all right there, no? Left by the Scarecrow to protect Dorothy, should she find her way back to the Emerald City in its devastated state, Tik-Tok is one tough cookie. He took on a whole gang of wheelers with nothing but a lunch pail! He may resemble Wilford Brimley but this chubby fellow won’t ever be getting diabetes. The only advantage we have against Tik-Tok is he needs periodic winding up to keep working. Though, all he really needs is one crazy toadie who thinks he’s the second coming to wind up his thought, action and speech so he can keep kicking our asses. He also suffers from bouts of falling down and not being able to get back up, but again, nothing a single toadie can’t take care of.
Threat Level: 4
8) Lal from Star Trek: TNG
?We all know Data’s brother Lore is totally nutso and would take over the universe at the first possible opportunity, but his daughter Lal is really the one to watch out for. Created by Data to experience what it would be like to have a child, Lal, unlike most children, was given the opportunity to choose her own sex and species. She could have been a Klingon male, but chose an unsuspecting human female instead. Smart move, Lal. With the gift of emotions bestowed upon her by her father, she also manages to go a little crazy. So, sweet looking young lady ruled by her emotions? Sounds like a recipe for disaster to me.
Threat Level: 5
7) Muffit II from Battlestar Galactica
?I really don’t care how much you loved the original Battlestar Galactica as a child. Muffit II is a freak of nature. I mean, I guess if I were a little kid and my daggit (dog) was killed and there were no more dogs left anywhere I’d settle for a robot equivalent. But not this thing. Muffit II becomes Boxey’s pet after his real dog is killed on Caprica but why Dr. Wilker decides to turn the original Muffit into this abomination I’ll never understand. Seriously, you get THAT from this? Muffit II was trained to protect his owner and other humans but just like real dogs, they can easily wind up attacking them. And who’s to say Muffit II wouldn’t rather have a Cylon for a master instead?
Threat Level: 5
6) H.E.L.P.eR from The Venture Bros.
?Season one of the Venture Bros. showed us H.E.L.P.eR. was a lovable um, helper, of Doctor Venture and his sons. Always getting into ridiculous scrapes just like Hank and Dean, he could always be counted on for a laugh, even if it was at his own expense, which it usually was. He was already equipped with advanced weaponry but these days H.E.L.P.eR. (Humanoid Electronic Lab Partner Robot) is even more advanced, now fused with the Walking Eye. Though he doesn’t speak English this robot has feelings and is very sensitive, and the Venture clan doesn’t take care of him too well which means he’s prone to malfunctions. He pretty much has no sense for his own safety and will jump into the fray of a firefight without thinking twice. And let’s not forget he’s already mentioned the coming war between humanity and the “Brotherhood of Machines.”
Threat Level: 5.5
5) Dog from Half-Life 2
?Yes, upon first glance, Dog looks like your regular, run-of-the-mill scary-type robot but if you’ve seen him in action you know he’s mostly a big softy. Created by her father Eli to protect the games’ main character Alyx, Dog knows way too much about firepower for my comfort. Not to mention he’s able to toss cars and dumpsters around like they’re crumbled up pieces of paper. Though he can be quite the comedian, at eight-foot tall, Dog is nothing to laugh at. Don’t turn your back on this one for a second — he’ll act all cute and gain your trust only to throw you like a ragdoll when he decides he’s had enough of us puny humans.
Threat Level: 6.5
?I could have easily put C-3PO in his place because he’s similarly innocent looking but really, C-3PO can’t even prevent himself from getting disassembled, how is he going to lord over all humanity? (Ewoks maybe. Not us.) No, it’s R2-D2 who’s the evil genius of that pair. Those beep, boop, bop sounds may sound cute and innocent but they conceal a dark side (pun intended). Think of all the other droids destroyed through the course of Star Wars I-VI. How did R2 manage to survive over 30 years in wartime? Easy. He’s the most intelligent, lethal droid of them all. Look into those “eyes” of his and tell me you don’t see it.
Threat Level: 7
3) Geoff from The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
?Full name, Geoffrey Peterson. Created by Mythbusters‘ Grant Imahara for Craig Ferguson, Geoff is something of an odd ball. He’s come a long way since his first appearance last year on the show and took a dark turn when Russell Brand got his hands on him. I’m pretty sure he was scarred for life so when the inevitable apocalypse occurs, you can blame Brand. Ferguson calls his fans on Twitter the “Robot Skeleton Army.” Could it be we’re all destined to be turned into a Geoff ourselves? No one would really expect a robot that says “In your pants” and “balls” ten times a day to take over the world. That’s how he throws us off. And Geoff looks too much like a T-800 for my comfort. First generation Terminator anyone? This is the beginning of the end.
Threat Level: 7
?Skeets contains pretty much all information about everyone, everywhere and in every time. And Skeets has got the best cover — Booster Gold. A former security robot at the museum Booster stole his costume and equipment from, most of the time he uses that knowledge to help the hero increase his popularity but occasionally he has his own agenda. He’s also found himself vulnerable to attack. Remember when he served as an evil cocoon for Mister Mind during 52? Skeets metal shell not only houses information but powerful weaponry, either of which could prove fatal to the Earth should he decide to take over. I suggest dismantling Skeets while there’s still time.
Threat Level: 8.5
1) V.I.C.I. from Small Wonder
?Like Lal, V.I.C.I., or Voice Input Child Indenticant, has an innocent look that works in her favor. Her television show depicted her in humorous situations leading us to believe she was just a young child/robot who had a lot to learn about humans. Her creator/father supposedly made her to assist handicapped children and help with domestic chores, but we don’t really believe that now do we? She’s got superhuman strength and speed; she could easily tear a human apart like fresh bread. More terrifyingly, she runs on ATOMIC POWER. Hell, all she needs to do is walk into a major city, threaten to self-destruct and we’d have to give in. Like all girls, there’s going to be a point when her dad tells her to go to her room, and she realizes she doesn’t have to. When that day comes, kiss your ass goodbye.
Threat Level: 10