?So, first of all, let me say that Mac from Mac and Me is the general consensus for the worst alien ever. Many, many of you nominated him; too many for me to award any of you a shirt, at any rate. If you’re unaware of the tragedy that is Mac and Me, and aren’t too nauseous from look at his picture, I invite you to read this highly informative article.
Second of all, it seems like a lot of you forgot to write entries this week. I mean, a lot of you suggested awful aliens, but that’s all you did — you didn’t explain why they sucked. This is problematic on several levels, most obviously that like anybody, I have various holes in my nerd education, so there’s never a guarantee that I know what the fuck you’re talking about. More importantly, someone who writes a 100-word hate-filled rant about Jar Jar Binks is more like to win than someone who just writes “Jar Jar Binks.” Don’t forget that.
With that out of the way, let us blast off to outer space, where the honorable mentions fill the sky like stars.
These honorable mentions are out of this world! Sorry (I’m not sorry).
Dr. Abraxas said:
the ones who sodomized Randy Quaid in ID4
The “Dad” alien-thing in Contact.
Disappointment thy name is Father.
Mork from Mork & Mindy. If you’re gonna be an alien, at least look different. Being Robin Williams in a red jump suit or in suspenders is not enough.
If Xenu doesn’t win, then it will prove this site’s just a front for the Scientologists.
(Checks over shoulder. Still seems safe her- Gah!!! No!!!)
Hermits United said:
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love Doctor Who (see screen name), but the “villain” in the episode “The Wasp and the Unicorn”, Season 4, was one of the dumber ones. It was a wasp. A giant alien wasp, that had somehow been a human until it got angry. Furthermore, it’s a giant wasp that was conceived an alien wasp and what I have to assume must have been the most desperate human woman on the planet. Ick. And then they kill it by having chase a necklace into a lake and drowning itself. *sigh* I mean, the whole episode was supposed to be campy, but, seriously? Why a wasp?
I don’t know if this quite fits but it was the first thing that came to mind when thinking about screwed up aliens.
The shit weasels from Stephen King’s “Dreamcatcher”. An alien race dropped a virus on the world. The characters get infected by the alien virus that looks like red mold. When ingested, this virus grows inside your intestines much like a baby in the womb, and then, when it’s fully grown, it explodes out of their asses. These things are exceptionally large, red, worm-like creatures (think gigantic lamprey) with many rows of razor sharp teeth.
In the book, they sounded awful. In the movie, they looked completely horrible.
Jaymus Yawsley said:
The aliens in Signs. Less because they’re allergic to water and more because they were in Signs.
The Lizard Baby, otherwise known as Elizabeth “Star Child” Maxwell from the original 1980’s series “V”.
So many tropes were hung around the neck of this lizard-alien/human hybrid:
* Fast aging to early childhood so no one has to drag a baby around.
* Deus Ex Machina superpowers, need someone to stop the mothership from crashing? Have her grab the controls and watch her hands glow.
* MacGuffin – She was the focus of many plots to protect/capture/kill.
* Mary Sue – With her lizard-alien racial memory, she was the writer’s outlet to reveal the noble, “good side” of the human eating aliens.
* “Star Child” – Yes, they actually called her the “Star Child”, The bringer of peace.
I could go on and on, damn I hated that Lizard Baby.
Any alien that is based on some ancient Earth civilization and thus explains that civilization’s culture/religion/art. As if aliens have nothing better to do than sit around the desert and make pyramids.
Da Bearon said:
I’m gonna have to go with race from the original Star Trek that killed themselves off because some of then were half white/half black while others were half black/half white.
Worst use of Frank Gorshin, ever.
Easy. The aliens from ‘Attack Of The The Eye Creatures’. They arrive with no plan whatsoever, they don’t even bother to put on their full costumes, and are killed by shining a flashlight at them. In the words of Joel and the Bots, “They just didn’t care.”
Bill Binder said:
Skids and Mudflap.
“I can’t read like y’all honky robots.”
Autobot Hot Shot said:
The two aliens who tried to conquer Earth, one city at a time, with a robotic hypno-caveman. Tales of Suspense #40/Iron Man
Why was it a caveman? Because that’s what we looked like the last time they saw us. Why did it have to look like “us”? Because they wanted us to worship it. Like it didn’t have hypno-powers or anything.
And instead of making its victims, I dunno, into an army or something, they command them to build a wall around the town and make statues of the caveman.
They had billions of years to plan this “invasion”. FAIL.
Hooooooobgbolins, hoooooobgoblins, what do ya do with those hooooobgoblins. They’re all over here. They’re all over there. Those darn hobgoblins are everywhere.
Jeff McM said:
The Pakleds from STTNG, aka the race of Space Morons. How did this species get into outer space? Shouldn’t all of their ships routinely explode, or decompress, leaving pudgy goo all over the interiors? They all seem to be fat – are they a race of ‘Ow, My Space Balls’-loving couch potatoes who eat space junk food all day? Presumably they have major space cholesterol problems.
Basically, their species should have killed itself off way before meeting the Enterprise.
I was going to say the pakleds, but I’ll do you one better. The worst aliens are the swaths of unnamed species in the Star Trek universe that have apparently managed to get suckered by the perennial short-bus-filling pakleds who subsequently stole their ships and technology. Could you imagine somehow being tricked by these guys ? As far as I know, no such victim species have even been named and may have self-genocided in shame.
Dr. Shoggoth said:
The Gorax from The Ewok Adventures. It’s a fifty foot tall ogre that looks like the love-child of Hagrid and Bat-Boy, and yet it somehow proves completely incapable of killing two unarmed idiot children. It kills one Ewok over the course of the film. One. Even the Stormtroopers did better than that!
Clockwork smurf said:
Numinus. Power Pack’s Galactus. Essentially Whoopi Goldberg as a powerful space giant. Introduced and never seen again, as far as I know. Her role is to make people have wonder for the universe by playing Deus Ex Machina, but honestly, she’s Space Whoopi Fucking Goldberg.
I can’t remember off the top of my head which comic it was from, but there were these tentacle aliens in a Superman/Batman story whose only purpose was to show up at the Fortress of Solitude, fuck each other (seriously) and then die. They were so lame that they even made Bats and Supes cry. They fucking CRIED. Damn, I need to go research the name of that comic.
Oh, this one is easy for me: Orbitty, from the ’80s revival of The Jetsons.
A disgustingly cute, wide-eyed monstrosity that embodies two of the worst trends of ’80s cartoons: Annoying sidekicks (Snarf, Scrappy Doo, Orko), & cheesy, marketable critters (Smurfs, SNorks, Monchichis, too many to count).
And the worst part? Outside of his initial appearance, he does ABSOLUTELY F***ING NOTHING ON THE SHOW. He just sits in background, wide-eyed & acting pwecocious, hoping someone makes a toy of him. He’s completely useless, & in my opinion, the cartoon world’s biggest Poochie (in terms of desperation, not extremeness).
The Wadi from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. In a series already known for “aliens” that differ from humanity because of something silly like a tiny ridge on the nose, these guys reached a new level of laziness. How lazy, you ask?
A magic-marker squiggle on the forehead. That’s the only difference. One time I fell asleep reading the newspaper, and I looked like that, too!
The aliens from 3rd Rock From the Sun.
Especially, French Stewart.
FUCK YOU, French Stewart.
The Rannians in DC Comics. They are identical to humans, except that they all wear tracksuits spacesuits that couldn’t possibly be more derivative of Flash Gordon, and have gone un-updated since 1958. They exist as a storytelling device to make the DCU seem bigger, a function that hasn’t been necessary since the “space cop” aspect of Green Lantern was first brought to light, when Hal Jordan was introduced. In October of 1959. Which makes them necessary for less than two whole years (which, in comic book time, is like three and a half weeks).
Their sole purpose continuing purpose is to be locked in a perpetual war with the sometimes-in-continuity-and-sometimes-not planet Thanagar (where Hawkman is from. Hawkman.), for reasons that anyone without a Master’s Degree in Comic Book History remains completely unaware.
THEY MAKE WAR WITH THE HAWK PEOPLE, WHO SOMETIMES DON’T EXIST (depending on which comic book the person running the asylum this week grew up reading). This is, no lie, the only fucking thing that they do.
Fucking Rannians. Worst aliens ever.
In my religious studies class I took at Cal State Northridge our professor wanted to show us the power of myth in various cultures. He showed the episode of Star Trek: TNG wherein Picard gets a distress call from a remote planet and when he hails the aliens they answer in stuff like “and gorath with his arms held wide!” and no one understands what the hell they’re talking about. This alien, trying to explain his language to the crew teleports down a landing party including Picard while Jordie and Crusher figure out that the aliens speak in parables about their religion (because as we all know in the Star Trek universe Earth is the only multicultural and multi-religious planet in the universe). Well Picard and the alien leader have to battle this invisible demonic creature communicating with “and gorath on the ocean with his mighty boat!” kind of dialogue. Finally Picard relays the story of Gilgamesh and Enkidu to the alien as he’s dying from invisible demon related injuries, and concludes with something to the effect of “Gilgamesh and Enkidu…friends!” So this jackass alien, instead of simply waiting 15 minutes for the crew to figure out he speaks in parables, puts the lives of half a dozen crew members at risk in order for them to participate in the worst example of language immersion education. Just to die, satisfied that Picard now knows how to talk to a race he will never see again. Just a dick-move.
Ezkiel Light said:
So, does anyone but me remember that made for TV movie ‘Aliens for Breakfast’?
It starred Sinbad as an alien this kid finds in his cereal box. And Sinbad is small purple-skinned, and wears an obvious green alien suit, and falls down alot and smack talks. I don’t recall him having any other power besides being in a cereal box, as that was his ship or something. Yet he has to save the world, and has to have a 10 year old help. When you have to get a ten year old to help…..thats when you start realizing you suck.
I was going to mention Trumpy from MTS3K’s riff of Pod People… but someone beat me to it… So 300 comments in and what can I possibly think of that hasn’t been listed here already? I know, the shitty looking Aliens from ABC’s short lived Sitcom “Aliens in the Family” from 1996…. The show was about single dad Doug Brody, who is abducted by single alien mom Cookie. The two fall in love, get married, and try to live a normal life on Earth as a mixed family… the worst part about it? They have children… that look like this.
Tony Seven said:
The aliens in “Planet of the Apes.” Those guys were real grade-A Jerks. Wait, what’s that? It was Earth!?!? All the time, it was… We finally really did it …[screaming]YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! AHHH, DAMN YOU! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!
And now the Winners:
?It’s Ben Siegel said:
Chaselon from the GL Corps takes the fucking cake, I swear. Where to start? He’s a giant crystal ball with robotic tendrils for arms and legs AND A GODDAMN MOHAWK!!! And it’s not even his mohawk. It’s a wig. Wig-wearing crystal ball motherfuckers are not a cool idea for an alien species. They make absolutely no sense.
He comes from a planet called Barrio III. Seriously, read that again. Barrio III! I presume this to be a rather rough and tumble Hispanic crystal alien ghetto where everyone communicates “harmonically” with their 13 senses and has a bizarre desire to have access to all the latest, trendiest hairdos. They do so to resemble more humanoid aliens. Chaselon rocks a mohawk for no other reason than the fact that everyone else is doing it and he just wants to fit in.
Barrio III? Seriously, I don’t know why anyone bitches about Geoff Johns’ Skittle Rangers. Between this asshole and Ch’p, the GL universe is a fucking disgrace. Now for my favorite entry of the entire contest:
The Taxxons from the Animorphs books. Giant worms that are always hungry and can never be satisfied, often overcome by its desire to the point of distraction?
Yeah . . . that’s a giant penis.
Not only did it make me laugh, I genuinely enjoy the idea of all you kids who grew up reading Animorphs books being unable to disassociate the Taxxons from space dicks for the rest of your natural lives. Because I am a bad, bad man.
Congrats to the winners and thanks to all who entered.