Fan Fiction Friday: Lara Croft, Tomb Raider in “A Raptor’s Lust”


?Ladies and gentlemen, today’s FFF is pretty long. So let me forgo my normal introductions and begin this story by ANBU commander silverwing and say three tiny words: Velociraptor. Love. Tabasco.

Laura giggled quietly as she waited for her package while her butler
was simply cleaning the table. She always did wanted a dangerous animal
as a pet as she waited at the gates of her manor.

Her father isn’t
always around and it gets lonely even with her butler and she watched
as a truck with a cage[I have no idea what the Jurassic park trucks are
honestly] drove up and the driver got out saying “why hello Mrs. Croft
is your father home?”

Honestly? I think ANBU commander silverwing knows exactly what the Jurassic Park trucks are, and is just playing mind games with us.

she giggled only wearing her explorers outfit
saying “nope daddies not home ooh I hope it wasn’t to much of a

…or maybe not.

The loud shrieks from the back of the truck stopped as
green slit like eyes peaked out from the slits. The raptor stopped
shrieking and had to give a toothy smile as his loins began to stir
before thinking “shorts, a b cup, I guess I will be good for a while and look at that ass!”

I find it noteworthy that the velociraptor knows and can visually estimate American bra sizes.

particular raptor was taken from somewhere in South America and has
been lonely for so long before being captured before getting freed again
to a obvious female. After all how hard could it be to make a
adolescent girl be a good fuck?

Ah, that’s a question many a pedophile has asked himself. Now, one warning before we continue — this is by no means the grossest FFF ever, but it might well be the stupidest. Seriously, you may actually blackout as your body tries to protect from how fucking dumb this thing is. You have been warned.

Before she grinned saying “oh relax Mr. Jones there should be plenty
of food and cows around the back yard as long as he doesn’t mess with
the garden.”

Wait — food and cows? So there are like cows and packs of luncheon meat scattered in the backyard? And what happens if the velociraptor messes with the garden? Do the cows leave? Do they have a contract or something?

He nodded while the raptor stared at her ass before
looking at her with a panting look. Laura giggled before gently
scratching under his chin and gently stroked his jaw saying “I will call
you Jun would you like that?”

Jun nodded while thinking of trying
to get into her pants by any means necessary. He whickered while
grinning showing off his razor sharp teeth thinking “hmm she looks
very flexible and tight. I might fuck her tonight! I mean it looks like
she doesn’t know about sex yet but I need to make sure.”
He thought darkly before following after her while eyeing her ass and breasts.

A lot of scientists believe that the dinosaurs died out not because of a meteor hitting the earth, but because they all wanted to fuck underage human girls instead of each other. Since underage human girls wouldn’t exist for millions and millions of years, you can see how this would be a problem.

is only 13 and hasn’t been interested in boys yet. However she finds
archeology a quite fascinating subject from her mentor Victor Voncroy.
She sighs as she remembers the artifact he went after along with her and
got trapped in the sphere that contained it. As she opened the front
doors the butler stared at them sputtering as he replied “oh my lord!
Mrs. Croft what in the name of Isis that doing here?”

Why is Lara not interested in boys at age 13? How does that relate to her liking archaeology? What the hell is the point of the sphere story? What the hell got trapped in the sphere, the artifact, Lara or Victor? Is Lara’s butler an ancient Egyptian? And if so, why?

She giggled hiding her laughter saying “I guess I didn’t tell you apparently daddy gave me a pet how strangely interesting!”

Am I tripping? Is that what the problem is?

butler rolled his eyes saying “fine fine but as long as he doesn’t
scare the horses!”

Is there any conceivable situation where a horny velociraptor wouldn’t scare horses? I don’t think there is.

Jun snickered before watching the butler go away to
attend his other duties and placed a claw on the right side of Lara’s
ass. Laura jumped before whirling around seeing Jun only looking at his
talons making her raise an eyebrow before thinking “that was strange but then again he looks aroused.” She rolled her eyes while looking forward to a shower before leading Jun out to the back yard of the manor and locked the door.

“That dinosaur looks like it wants to fuck me how strangely interesting!”

growled as he paced back and forth on his hind. The locks on the doors
were aggravating to break but at least he was fed because of the wild
cows around.

“Wild cows”?

If he could open them then this female would be his.

Open the wild cows? Gross.

snorted and whined in arousal as he used his right claw to slowly stroke
his pulsing green cock while his balls were churning the size of
softballs after months or years of storage.

I have absolutely zero idea what “His balls were churning the size of
softballs” means, but I’m 100% sure it can’t be cleared up with a shot of penicillin. Also, I just adore it when even the author has no idea what’s going on in his story. “Months or years. I’m not sure. This information is coming out of my head, and frankly, even I know I can’t be trusted.”

He stopped his pacing
before looking at the lock on the door before looking up with wide eyes
and drool slowly dripped from his mouth. Ironically Lara’s bathroom
window is just right next to the back yard door and it was open. His
cock twitched as it swelled seeing his future prize naked in the
bathroom shower stall before it began to steam over.

And here’s your current leader for the most grievous misuse of the word “ironically” on the internet, 2011.

Jun shook his head thinking “oh ho now that’s a rack! Now for the locks and trying to get up there this place is massive for a human building” he whickered with a dark smile planning of ways to fuck her.


Laura she gave a happy sigh as she soaked herself in the shower running
her fingers across her body with shampoo before humming softly never
realizing that the hot water caused everything to fog over including the
mirrors. Normally this would cause the butlers or maids to have a small
fit but they were rather busy at the moment.

What? Why are things fogging over a problem? Have the butlers and maids been employed to make sure things don’t fog over when Lara takes a shower? Also, what the hell is fogging over besides the mirrors?

She bent over rubbing her thighs not realizing she accidently left the door open.

Just in the shower. Rubbin’ her thighs. Like ya do.

glared and honked at the lock on the door. There is no way he could
simply bash it open before grinning realizing that it might open because
of his talons. Raptors were always smart when it came to locks and he
whickered before thinking “oh yes I can smell her pheromones and that ass any minute now!”

I don’t know what’s more disturbing: How this scene is so obviously inspired by he scene in Jurassic Park, how Jun the velociraptor can smell Lara’s pheromones and her ass, or how “whickered” wasn’t a typo earlier but a word the author uses constantly. I feel totally confident that this story was written on the same day “whickered” popped up on his Word-a-Day calendar.

Before sticking a talon inside the thin lock thinking “okay where is that lock oh there it is!”


Please note that ANBU commander silverwing is talking about two totally separate doors — one from the horse/cow/food-filled backyard to the large human building, and then one to Lara’s fogged-over bathroom — and is doing nothing to differentiate between the two. It would almost be a clever literally technique if it was being used by someone who wasn’t a total imbecile.

Jun smiled as the door swung open slowly before slowly checking things out concluding “this place is huge and a maze so where is my future fuck toy?” He
took a deep sniff before nodding smelling the steam before a wave of
pheromones struck him making him whicker as he licked his lips.


quickly darted down the hall and up a stair case in case any of the
butlers are nearby being nervous of the casual shot guns in the display
cases making him think “jeez what are they small one man armies or something? Oh well the steam is getting closer and OH HOHOHO!”

stopped entered Laras bedroom and stared at the open bathroom door
feeling his member pulsing erratically at the naked Laura who was
whispering and moaning quietly.

Wrack, wrack wrack


Was the
sound of him stroking himself all 16 inches and as thick as a gorillas
as he was nearly over run with desire and lust. His tongue hung out as
he began to drool before catching it. He smiled again as his eyesight
allowed him to see through the steam and fogged up mirrors before he
snuck inside and made sure to close the door.

Interestingly, my penis is also 16 inches long, and as thick as a gorillas. Not a gorilla’s penis, of course, but as thick as two gorillas, lying side-by-side. Finding jeans that fit is a bitch.

AN: Oh yeah bring
it on shame there is no bestiality rape on for tomb raider *sweat
drops* and I am writing it right now at 3:00 AM how ironic *deadpans*

And here’s your NEW leader for the most grievous misuse of the word “ironically” on the internet, 2011. Also: I want to beat this person to death

moaned feeling the water on her before backing up feeling drowsy not
noticing that another person or pet in the shower with her. She closed
her eyes imagining someone fondling her slightly.

PLEASE NOTE: A fucking VELOCIRAPTOR has entered Lara Croft’s shower, and SHE HASN’T NOTICED.

Jun was quietly
fondling her trying so hard as to not rape her roughly.



He drooled
feeling her breasts and rubbed and kneaded them even more making her let
out a moan. He stuck his head over her shoulder and licked her right
tit while removing his claw to finger fuck her.

Do not try to imagine how a velociraptor could possibly be positioned to do this. You will have a stroke. Just know that the author has no idea of how dinosaurs work, how humans work, how physical reality works, how the English language works, etc.

Laura gasped as
she imagined someone flicking their fingers inside of her until it began
to speed up while moving back and forth. Jun growled in arousal while
thinking “horny little bugger hmm?” before rubbing against her good spot making her gasp and he removed his claw to rub her stomach.


mind began to cloud over at this unknown feeling as her breasts began
to swell and inflate. She panted as she pressed herself against the wall
of the shower leaving her open imagining some ones hands spreading her

Jun licked her virgin pussy with his tongue giving it a
whiff. His entire length was swollen and thicker then before . He nodded
before thinking “oh yeah she is a virgin and soon to be mine sorry about this!” before
grabbing her ass in with his claws while positioning himself with the
tip of his cock against her entrance mentally cursing as he realized
that this is going to hurt and might reveal himself before snorting at
the thought thinking “this shower is full of steam and completely
fogged over masking my scent, perfect. Truth is I am a virgin to and I
want a good fuck!”

As insane as this all is, the thing that blows my mind most of all is that the velociraptor has just admitted to himself that’s he’s a virgin AS IF REVEALING THIS SECRET SHAME TO HIMSELF AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA SO FUCKING DUMB

He began to tease her entrance and gave a
sharp grunt as he began to slowly enter her. Laura quietly gasped at the
pain before moaning imaging hands that slowly wrapped around her waist
before feeling a pumping motion. Jun was in bliss feeling how tight his
toy really was as she engulfed him slowly after 10 minutes she only took
6 inches until he hit a wall.

He smiled as he began to go faster
and soon he began to pound her and nearly growled feeling her cervix.
She began to grind against him while moaning or pushing backwards with
lust filled eyes.

PLEASE NOTE: A VELOCIRAPTOR HAS BEEN FUCKING LARA CROFT FOR 10 SOLID MINUTES AND SHE HASN’T NOTICED. However, I have to admit that like Jun, though, I too love a good cervix. So hot!

Every thrust he gave brushed against her clit
causing her to moan louder as he rammed and grinded against her cervix
which began to dilate before opening causing another gasp of pain and

There is not a Scanners picture in the world large enough to convey how totally ignorant the author is of genitalia and sex. When I was little, I though men just had to lie down on top of women to fuck each other, and they could do it with clothes on. I point this out because this ANBU here makes 8-year-old me look like a sexual genius.

Jun whickered as he pumped deeper and pushed harder which
each thrust until the head of his cock entered her womb and swelled
blocking the exit. Jun began to sweat as he began to savagely fuck her
his balls smacking against her ass. Her cunt was clenching him like a
vice as if it was trying to milk him dry.

When the cock entering the womb is least insane part of your paragraph, you know you’re a goddamn lunatic. First of all, the only way the velociraptor’s balls could be slapping Lara on the ass is if they were located above his dick, which is insane even if you’re stupid enough to imagine dinosaurs having human cocks and balls. And even more insane, ON WHAT PLANET DO VICES MILK THINGS DRY

His cock was seen visibly stretching outwards from her stomach as he tried so hard not to cum just yet as he thought “this
will be fun sneaking in here from now on she truly is a good fuck! But I
do wonder if she would let me sleep in her room? Fufufu that would be
before grunting as he couldn’t hold it in anymore and blew his massive load.


moaned as the water around her got warmer not knowing about the purple
seed that slowly began to expand and fill her sloshing virgin womb
before it began to swell and inflate to a size of a soccer ball and even
more before she slowly began to close her eyes to bask in the warmth.

30 minutes later Lara woke up slightly thinking “what was that? Oh dear I have spent to long in the shower!” before
turning it off and dried herself before feeling warmth inside her. She
placed a hand on her stomach before saying “it might have been the after
effects of the water on my privates. Oh well I might as well let Jun
inside for now. *giggles* I think he would be a great watch dog in my
bed room!”

“My womb is sore, some kind of purple liquid is gushing out of my vagina, and I appear to have passed out for half an hour inside my shower how strangely interesting!”

And searched for her clothes as something churned
inside her inflated belly mixing with her own cum as well. Her cervix
then shut closed holding every single last drop of Juns seed.

As much I hate the author for further misunderstanding female genitalia, I’m somehow even more angry that the cervix decided to close 30 minutes after the dinosaur fucking. THAT DOESN”T MAKE SENSE EVEN BY YOUR RIDICULOUSLY STUPID MISUNDERSTANDING OF SEX, YOU FUCKING IDIOT

panted as Lara gently caressed him before saying “hello Jun of you must
have been so lonely without a female of your own weren’t you?” Jun
nodded before lightly nudging her disguising his attempt of smelling her
knowing that he marked her with a guilty thought of “if only I didn’t have to force you, bah who cares she’s mine!”

isn’t like he could ask her no matter how interesting that would be as
she led him to her bedroom and pated the other side of it making him
jump up onto it feeling how comfy it is Jun rested on his back. Lara
grinned before gently stroking a finger across his jaw making him feel
arousal before she replied “I feel so lonely sometimes when daddy is
away but of course I would like some company to sleep with after

Jun widened his eyes trying to hide his ever growing
arousal making Lara stare between his legs saying “what’s that? I never
seen that before!” Jun whickered quietly to himself thinking “she
really doesn’t know about sex yet? That’s odd normally humans learn
about it around this age! Oh well it isn’t like I can’t make her I love
that ass she will be my bitch!”

AARRRRRGGGH YOU JUST FUCKED HER HOW DOES SHE NOT KNOW ABOUT SEX. Unless, of course, she’s like the author, who can write constantly about sex and yet know nothing about it. Maybe even know less with each sentence he writes! In which case that makes sense.

Who could actually blame a lust craving Raptor who would get into any females pants really.

Let the dinosaur who doesn’t want to fuck an underage human cast the first stone.

slowly gripped the green colored rod before saying “daddy hasn’t taught
me about love yet until I am older but this must the cock then. I
wonder how it tastes?” she licked his tip causing him to widen his eyes
feeling startled before took the first few inches into her mouth and
began to suck him off.

God help me, but this story is making ComicsNix seem insightful and nuanced.

Jun rested a claw on head as he gave a
quiet honk before leaning back. True he did rape her the first time but
then again that was just instinct before giving a sigh in relief as Lara
deep throated him. He grunted as she slowly worked her way down to the
hilt making him think “jeez I have no idea how her throat can stand it!” but not before slowly taking her time on his tip until he cummed.

slowly swallowed his purplish seed it was rather quite a strange flavor
before going down her throat not knowing that Jun sneaked a talon into
her shorts before removing it. Jun gave the talon a whiff before
realizing his scent on her like a genetic marking before watching Lara
remove her mouth saying “that was quite a odd experience but sadly
dinner calls!”

“I have just given a dinosaur a blowjob how strangely interesting!”

Jun swished his tail watching her leave thinking “adolescent teens are strange but terrific fucks. My mark is on her even though it is only visible to me, perfect!” secretly he might be thinking of breeding her but I have no idea how that would even work.


Jun honked as his belly also growled before darting out the door to search for cattle.

After finishing her dinner Lara sighed as she headed to her room thinking “that was quite delicious oh I hope daddy is okay I don’t want anything bad to happen to him!” she
smiled seeing Jun lying on his side on the right side of her queen
sized bed before gently scratching his side saying “do you mind if I
rest my head against your stomach for a while Jun?”

Before lying
her head against his stomach sighing feeling the warmth of his body
before moving slightly resting upwards only in her underwear. Jun took a
look at her carefully thinking “she really is beautiful and yet I am
a pervert GAH! Living alone has really messed me up to rape her. I mean
it isn’t like I could ask her.”

He grinned as Lara stirred
before asking “Jun I couldn’t even ask a boy yet to be with for a while
because quite frankly I am a bit shy!” Jun gently gave her a small lick
on her cheek making her giggle before saying “oh knock it off of course I
love you to! I always did like dangerous animals but you are just what I
ever wanted. Its not like Daddy could have gotten me A T’rex but then
again they are to large!”

She almost pouted making him snort and whicker at her which seemed like his own way to laugh.


sighed as she got up and turned off the lights and got under the covers
as well as Jun making her grin saying “someone’s a bit kinky!” she
joked before Jun moved next to her making her blush saying “you have
been acting off lately oh well you might have been skittish!”

“I’ve had you for a day in which I’ve given you a blowjob and you fucked me without me knowing it and yet I find you getting in my bed to be totally uncharacteristic of the short time we’ve spent together how strangely interesting!”

just grinned before lying on his back while Lara sighed as she slowly
entered slumber. Jun quietly placed her hand around his cock which made a
small tent in the sheets and closed her hand around it. He sighed
happily feeling her pumping him softly in her sleep before removing it.

Well, thank goodness she fell asleep first. That consensual sex earlier was really unsettling. Far better that Lara Croft give a dinosaur a handjob while she’s unconscious. THAT JUST MAKES SENSE.

eyed her underwear as he slowly moved behind her and inched closer to
her until she rested her head against his own making her give a pleasant
sigh. Lara felt something more comfortable then her pillows before
opening her mouth and gave a soft moan.

Jun began to knead her
tits slowly before groping them with his claws and licked her neck. As
she moaned again he stuck his tongue inside her mouth. Lara responded to
the kiss while deep in sleep using her tongue as well.

Jun was in
bliss before removing his right claw and rested it on his stomach
before whickering as he slipped his right claw into her panties ad
started to finger fuck her. Lara was almost clouded in lust in her
dreams as she was kissed feeling a digit inside her. Jun soon added a
second digit before adding another and another until he had all 3 of his
talons inside her fucking her feeling her walls clench around making
her wet.

He should stick his talons straight in her womb. That would be totally hot.

Her nipples were starting to get erect as she moaned and
gasped louder as her panties began to get soaked. Jun mrred quietly to
himself as he felt her warm fluids before thinking “come on you know you want to cum so CUM!”
she moaned louder as she splashed her panties soaking them in her cum
before he slowly moved them down to her feet and moved off her quietly
as he stopped kissing before moving above her.

He slowly spread her legs before licking her tits hearing her moan before thinking “that ass will be mine!”
as he slowly lifted her hips to align himself with her anus. With a
grunted he slowly began to enter her as carefully as possible and before
long he was steadily fucking her while thinking “oh my god she is so tight! And yet shouldn’t the pain wake her up by now?”


knowing that she was dreaming and filled with lust because of what he
did before he came inside her quickly filling her bowels before
continuing slowly as his seed slowly filtered passed her bowels and into
her stomach.


Lara moaned and whispered “fuck me make me your bitch!” making him smirk as he continued before thinking “talk about very wet dreams hmm slut?” slowly filling her colon and stomach until it was full and completely bloated like a basketball which was sloshing with cum.

I… I have no words for how stupid this all is. I’d make a crack about sterilizing the author, so he couldn’t breed, but that’s obviously never going to be a problem. I don’t think he could pick a vagina out of a police line-up.

He removed himself panting thinking “my my she has no idea that she could be a slut when she dreams and she is mine!” he
placed a claw on her stomach feeling it slosh about before pressing
down hearing her moan as purple seed splashed out of her ass.

It’s like a stress ball! Except it’s Lara Croft’s stomach, and it’s full of purple dinosaur cum.

He whickered as he licked her tits before looking at her cunt.


He snickered thinking “what a good bitch!”
he thought to himself. Lara sighed while stirring before Jun yawned as
he grabbed her again before aligning himself with her deflowered cunt
before thrusting once again. After cumming inside her 4 times filling
her overstuffed womb he fell to his side panting.

Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve seen a lot of ignorant fan fiction authors in our time here with FFF, but this dude is the grand champion of knowing absolutely nothing about the human body. I think he must be a head in a jar, and he’s never seen a human body before, but only heard about them second-hand.

lightly grabbing her panties and pulled them back up over her soaking privates while rolling his eyes thinking “this might leave a stain but I don’t care she is mine!” he
raised the got under the covers while resting Lara’s head back on the
pillow before sticking his tongue in her open mouth and swirled it

Lara moaned quietly in her sleep before he stopped and
rested a claw on her stomach and started to rub it before stopping as he
quietly snuggled next to her and covered them both in the blankets. But
not before taking her hand and made it grip his cock causing him to
sigh happily thinking of breaking her into becoming his.


Lara’s mind she was clouded over in lust and a unknown feeling as her
eyes seemed to swirl until she whispered “so. Good. I. Must. Have.
More!” she shook her head rapidly saying “what is happening to me?”
seemed to spin as she stared at a collar that was on her neck before
being pinned and she screamed as she felt something pumping inside of
her before it turned to soft moans.

Next morning

stirred awake from her nightmare saying “that’s it no more anchovies on
Pizza for a week!” She shook her head before looking at Jun thinking “and your one horny raptor aren’t you Jun?”
in amusement before rolling her eyes. She removed her hand before
eyeing his cock once more before shaking her head as she got dressed.

opened his eyes and licked across his snout. He quietly moved out of
the bed and out the door finding the way outside while thinking “in do time in do time!”

The end.

I apologize for using and paraphrasing this quote, but there is truly only one possible response to this story: “ANBU — what you’ve just written is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have
ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you
even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought.
Everyone is now dumber for having read it. I award
you the title of the dumbest fan fic author in the entire internet, and may God have mercy on your soul.” And ours. And ours.