Sorry these contest results are late. I hope you’ll forgive since, you know, there were 1300 comments, virtually all of which were entries (and not just people commenting on other people’s entries) and many of which contained multiple entries. It took a while, is all I’m saying.
I’d also like to say that 10 winners is not enough. It was awesome of Epix to offer 10 Captains prize packs, containing a poster and a shirt, but holy hell. There was as much quality in this contest’s results as there was quantity, and there was a terrifying amount of quantity. If you disagree with any of my choices of winners, just know it was agonizing for me to try select the 10 best — which should be pretty clear from the huge amount of Honorable Mentions I picked. Now before we get started, much, much thanks to Epix for sponsoring this weekend’s amazing contest! As before, if you’re going to be at San Diego Comic Con this weekend, you can check out the premiere of Shatner’s Trek-spanning documentary The Captains, or you can check it out on Epix as part of Shatnerpalooza. You can also check out this new clip, right here:
…wow. I don’t know why it’s surprising to me to hear Shatner was once less than totally confident, but it is. Oh well; we’re about to read 100 facts about William Shatner describing his majesty and awesomeness, so it probably evens out. Beam past the jump when you’re ready to have the Shat kicked out of you.
And now, a shit-ton of Honorable Mentions. Wait, did I say shit-ton? I meant Shat-ton, of course.
? William Shatner’s cock has three settings……..stun, kill, and KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNN!!!!!
? William Shatner can sing the Canadian national anthem in Esperanto.
? William Shatner’s toupee is legal tender in Dubai
? Anyone bitten in the neck by William Shatner will slowly evolve into a lesser clone of William Shatner. This explains the careers of James Spader, Sean Bean, James Earl Jones, and Chris Pine.
? If William Shatner dies this weekend, we’re all gonna feel like a bunch of pricks
William Shatner is on a personal mission to destroy all copies of “Trekkies.”
William Shatner is the only living being to have defeated Captain Kirk in an arm-wrestling contest.
? William Shatner once used a logic problem to cause his microwave to self-destruct after it burnt his Hot Pockets.
? William Shatner is watching you masturbate… even when you aren’t.
? The Big Bang that created the universe as we know it was merely William Shatner’s first sexual experience.
William Shatner turns bitches green. No envy. He just turns ’em green. That’s how he rolls.
? When William Shatner travels, he always does so by balancing on the wing of a plane just so he can frighten off/battle any gremlins for kicks.
? The original plans for Star Trek IV? William Shatner just picks up the damn whales & carries them to the ship all by himself. Based on a true story.
It’s a little known fact that Shatner’s now famous “shouting” of the iconic line “Khaaaaaaaan,” was in truth actually no more than a mere whisper.
? Legend has it that if you stroke William Shatner’s toupee he has to grant you three wishes
? William Shatner completed Super Mario Bros. with a score of 0!
? William Shatner only has a double chin to hide his third fist
William Shatner does not negotiate prices. He stares them down until they change.
? Shatner screaming “KAHHHHHHHHHHHN” in Star Trek II was the resonating frequency for the Berlin Wall. The echo traveled around the Earth enough times to cause Chernobyl.
? William Shatner stared down the grue without a lantern, and won.
? William Shatner bred prize-winning horses. No male horses were involved.
? Shanter’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame is known for healing the dying and impregnating the sterile.
? Shatner once had sex with Nichelle Nichols so hard, it turned George Takei gay.
? William Shatner found the Higgs-Boson particle hiding in the back of his closet once.
Before he traveled to the future, Shatner first traveled to the past. His first stop in 1939, for a brief affair with one Gladys Stewart of Mirfield, Yorkshire. The product of their brief tryst, a boy named Patrick, would go on to follow in his birth father’s footsteps.
? (Spoken by Morgan Freeman) William Shatner – the man who crawled through a river of “Shit My Dad Says” and came out clean on the other side.
? “Rescue 911” used dramatic re-enactments because in real life, all of those people were saved by William Shatner.
? William Shatner doesn’t take dramatic pauses. Time itself has to struggle to keep up with him.
William Shatner would have no problem at all reading through the multitude of entries this contest will no doubt produce.
William Shatner wrote the Karma Sutra…. After a night out.
? William Shatner’s head actually contains a tiny infant Shatner that will hatch from his dome when he dies in three-hundred years.
? William Shatner once appeared on Fresh Prince of Bel-Air to strip Will Smith of the title.
? William Shatner had sex with everyone in the audience at the Comedy Central Roast of William Shatner.
I heard Shatner made a train derail after peeing on the tracks.
William Shatner’s toupee once beat up Chuck Norris’ chest hair.
? William Shatner wears a girdle, for to look upon the true form of Shatner, your heart would explode and your face would melt.
? William Shatner’s full name has been known to wet panties at two hundred yards. Women from lust. Men from fear. And also lust.
? The real reason that the Rapture didn’t happen this year was because William Shatner killed God.
? William Shatner cancelled Firefly. Not because he was threatened by it, but because the captain of the ship wasn’t getting enough tail.
? aliens once abducted william shatner and HE probed THEM
? william shatner was the original boss in doom 1
? when jesus is scared by lightning, god tells him it’s just william shatner bowling
? when geronimo jumps he shouts william shatner
? thailand goes to william shatner for kinky gay sex
? when batman gets in trouble he lights the shatner spotlight
? Shatner is the only foo that Mr T does not pity.
? When Shatner interviews people, he does it in front of a mirror and the guest is CGI’d in later. There’s no point for them to be there anyways.
William Shatner’s name is a killing word.
William Shatner has never referred to his penis as a pork sword. He’s just that classy.
? William Shatner has to rotate toupee every hour because they will burst into golden flames that release candy.
? The S on Superman’s chest stands for Shatner.
? William Shatner is the only name allowed in Scrabble.
? Every time William Shatner pauses for dramatic effect an angel gets its wings
? William Shatner’s tongue is the strongest muscle in a woman’s body.
Big Jim Slade:
The odd-numbered Star Trek movies suck because having too much consecutive Shatner awesomeness would blow your mind (literally).
? Jesus wears a WWWSD? bracelet
? Several developing nations measure time based on the length of Shatner’s dramatic pauses.
William Shatner knows what you’re thinking right now…and it’s about William Shatner.
William Shatner stared into the abyss. The abyss blinked.
Elton John doesn’t perform ‘Rocket Man’ in concert anymore because, in Elton’s words “That song is Shatner’s. Anyone else trying to sing it would be a crime against art.”
? If you can steal Shatner’s toupee, he has to give you a pot of gold.
? If they have a problem, if no one else can help, and if they can find him, The A-Team hires William Shatner.
? George R. R. Martin finally finished A Dance with Dragons because Shatner told him to.
? William Shatner built a stairway to heaven.
? The needs of the Shatner outweigh the needs of the few.
? The Q continuum existed during the time of the original series, they were just afraid of Shatner and did not show up.
? William Shatner was known as the Big Giant Head well before 3rd Rock From The Sun.
? There was only one green skinned woman..after he slept with her all the other ones turned green with envy. True story.
? When Picard saw five lights, the fifth was William Shatner.
? William Shatner was the source of every anomaly on Voyager. Just fuckin’ with Janeway.
Nostromo’s Second Android:
? William Shatner stopped smoking cigarettes when he found out he was bad for them.
? The only reason global warming isn’t as bad as it could have been, is because Shatner keeps his shirt on now.
? William Shatner once found a baby alien rummaging in his garbage cans. Instead of killing it, he took it in and raised it as his own. That alien is Lady Gaga.
? William Shatner has ridden the Mighty Moon Worm. He described the experience as “Meh”.
? The sound of one hand clapping is William. The sound of the other hand is Shatner.
? I always figured words like being inside William Shatner’s mouth so much he has to force them to leave.
? The reason Bush never found the WMDs is because William Shatner found them first. He keeps them in a trunk under his bed and uses them as sex toys.
? William Shatner knows EVERY rule in Calvinball.
New Guy Mike:
Shatner once bumped into Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris began making up outlandish facts to repair his broken self esteem.
Shatner was the first to discover the clitoris and the female orgasm.
? Shatner’s hairpiece has diplomatic immunity in 23 countries.
? Shatner banged my sister. I don’t even have a sister.
? On the seventh day God rested. Shatner told him to get up off his ass and do something.
No evil shall escape William Shatner’s light.
Tribbles multiply so frequently because William Shatner scares the babies out of them.
William Shatner once did an episode of Man Vs Food, he ate them both
? William Shatner had the answer to world peace. Leonard Nimoy stole it though and, he won’t give it back.
? William Shatner can make a Klondike Bar do things for him.
? William Shatner can flap his wings 75 times per second and has to drink his body weight in nectar everyday.
William Shatner dances with wolves, but did not need to make a movie to brag about it.
? Willaim Shatner once sang a note so perfect and so beautiful that it crystallized into a decanter of the finest cognac. So there.
? While stopping a mugging in Miami, Florida, William Shatner was struck in the throat with a broomstick. Ever since he has been able to do an excellent whooping crane call, for which he has won first prize at the California State Fair every year.
? Montreal speaks English because of William Shatner.
? Quebec hasn’t separated from Canada because they fear William Shatner wouldn’t like it.
Bill Shatner now has a family of goblins as house servants. He found them on various planes.
William Shatner is directly responsible for the existence of girl nerds.
? After a 2005 lunchtime assignation in William Shatner’s trailer, Betty White found her lifeforce renewed and her career revived.
? William Shatner hosted a garden party in 1972 that would become Richard O’Brien’s inspiration for The Rocky Horror Show.
? When William Shatner uses the restroom, any restroom anywhere, Carl Orff’s “O Fortuna” can be heard in the background
God loves. Shatner kills
Okay guys, I have a deep and personal story to share with you all.
When I was 6 years old my father was shot to death right in front of my eyes by William Shatner at my local playground. As I wept over his body I begged him to tell me why he killed my daddy.
Shatner told me that that he “Never crossed a man weren’t deservin’ of a good killing.”
He then proceeded to pick me up. I kicked and screamed and clawed but he just had too good a grip. He loaded me into the backseat of his military-grade hummer and drove me home.
When he had finally managed to drag me up to the doorstep of my home he placed a piece of paper in my pocket and told me to “Look after your Momma.” and walked away.
I later pulled out the piece of paper and found that it was a check for 2 million dollars. Under the memo it said “I clean up my messes.”
I graduated law school earlier this summer. Valedictorian of my class. I would never had that opportunity were it not for Mr. Shatner. I realize I will never know why he killed he father and I never will, but he took responsibility and guaranteed a good future for me and my mother. Its a deep and personal conflict that I have to deal with every day.
I just needed to get that off my chest.
William Shatner was once offered the role of William Shatner, but did not feel the role was dramatic enough.
If you call William Shatner from a restricted line, he will greet you with your social security number.
William Shatner has a TR T-shirt tatooed on his chest and back
The prosthetic chest piece that Ricardo Montalban wore during The Wrath of Khan was molded from William Shatner.
? When William Shatner makes love to the mountain, he creates a new cave system.
? There is no such thing as dark matter, only places William Shatner hasn’t thought to visit.
? William Shatner’s ego has a mass of 1.9891?1030 kg, roughly that of the sun. The only reason the solar system doesn’t revolve around him is because the universe called dibs.
? Given enough time and resources, Batman can pack his bags quick enough to get out of town before Shatner finds him.
? Everything Midas touched turned into gold. Everything Shatner touches turns into orgasms. No one liked it when Midas touched them.
William Shatner only wears a toupee to cover his uncanny likeness to God.
Oddly enough, there’s a passage left out of the Gospels that depicts Jesus answering questions about what the Torah should be called by gentiles. He apparently responded with: “Honestly, it’s just Shit my dad says.”
? William Shatner jumped into the Large Hardon Collider and the god particle was discovered.
? William Shatner won a golden ticket. He ate it.
Shatner solved the Kobayshi Maru without cheating.
William Shatner knows what it sounds like when doves cry. He describes it as, “Coo-who-who…sniffle…coo.”
James J. Reaves III:
this actually is a true Shatner fact:
when asked, most people will only link Shatner to the title of “Captain” from his work on Star Trek.
but Trek isn’t the only instance on television of him holding that title; he was also a Captain on T.J. Hooker.
“FOUL!” you cry; “T.J. was a sergeant, Sheridan was the precinct captain!”
which is correct.
HOWEVER: in season 2, episode 16, T.J. rides the front seat of a tandem bicycle during a race (due to a goofy subplot). the front rider on a tandem is called… captain.
and this is why Shatner is twice the captain of any of the other Trek actors.
Charles T. Arthur:
They tried to write a cameo for William Shatner on Doctor Who, but they threw out the script when they couldn’t get around the inherent problems with a Dalek sex scene.
Shatner created a G rated version of TJ Hooker for PBS called TJ I’m-just-doing-this-to-pay-for-college
TekWar is the only reason you and I are not living in a post-apocalyptic wasteland.
News of the World hacked William Shatners phone and all they heard was the sound of a mountain gorilla being torn to shreds by a puma.
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became William Shatner.
William Shatner knows when to hold’em fold’em and when to walk away. Shatner does not run or count money.
William Shatner puts Baby in the corner.
William Shatner was once on Celebrity Jeopardy! Out of fear of reprisal, the categories were Potent Potables, Warp Drives, Alien Bitches, Mid-80s Cop Shows Featuring Heather Locklear and Adrien Zmed, Toupees, and Spoken Word Albums. Double Jeopardy!: James Spader, Photon Torpedoes, Intergalactic Federations, Late 90s Alien Shows Starring French Stewart and Kristen Johnston, On-line Travel Websites, and Canada.
Final Jeopardy!: Pausing
Shatner won $8,384,600, and Kirstie Alley and Aiden Quinn were forced to commit suicide.
The winners — all 10 of ’em — are on the next page.
And now for the winners:
DoctorBatman (1966), a.k.a. DoctorSmashy:
? Shark Attack 3 was originally a documentary of William Shatner’s teenage years entitled Shat Attack but due to complications during filming he was hastily replaced with a CGI shark
? Reading William Shatner’s name backwards out loud in a thunderstorm causes Jesus, wherever he is to slap himself in the face (he lost a bet)
William Shatner once picked a fight with a small child and through a roundhouse kick accidentally transferred to him the powers of the Shat. That little boy grew up to be… Santa Claus
? The best part of waking up has been scientifically proven to in fact be William Shatner
? William Shatner simply walks into Mordor
? The square root of William Shatner is “Fuck Communism”
? When The Sopranos cut to black, it was because William Shatner had burst onto the set holding a heavily pregnant woman and demanding to see a doctor. He had a chainsaw sticking out of his back at the time. How do I know this? I was that woman.
This is like the third time Doctor Smashy has won a TR contest. I would ask that you don’t hate me for selecting him so often, but please hate him for being so consistently funny.
? William Shatner once fucked a dragon until God cried.
? William Shatner has had so many black market liver transplants it’s technically genocide.
? William Shatner has three hearts: a bear’s, a shark’s, and a unicorn’s.
? William Shatner has lava for blood.
? He is the reason vampires are extinct.
? When the unstoppable force met the unmovable object, they combined to form William Shatner.
? After a hater told William Shatner to fuck himself, he went back in time and did just that. Nine months later, he gave birth to an island.
? William Shatner murdered the Travelocity gnome in broad daylight, and no one testified against him.
Spacegrass would have won purely for the Travelocity gnome entry; the rest were pure gravy.
? William Shatner impregnated every person on the set of “Star Trek.” Even the men. The baby he and Leonard Nimoy conceived grew up to be Tom Selleck, which was why he was later cast in “Three Men and a Baby.”
? William Shatner was initally the lead singer for Led Zeppelin (back when they were playing bars under the name To Boldly Rock), but he got kicked out for hogging all the groupies and for attempting to eat John Bonham’s drumsticks.
? William Shatner was voted the official mascot of Canada in a landslide, but the Parliament vetoed it out of fear of a popular revolt. Shatner overthrew the government anyway and reigned as a benevolent dictator for three months, until he got the “Shit My Dad Says” gig.
? A smile from William Shatner has the hormonal power to impregnante fourteen fainting goats.
? William Shatner invented Esperanto in a weekend as a favor to his friend Leslie Stevens, who had long dreamed of making a film in a language nobody actually spoke
? William Shatner has personally punched every member of Nickelback full in the face. This failed to stop their reign of terror, but at least he tried. It’s more than you’ve done, Bunky.
? One hair from William Shatner’s head, when soaked in a cocktail of Irish whiskey and pineapple juice for six hours then consumed, is the most powerful aphrodisiac known to man. This is why he wears a toupee – not because he’s bald but because he has to keep people from harvesting his hair.
? Due to the success of “TJ Hooker,” William Shatner is permanently exempt from US law. He has mostly used this to evade jaywalking tickets, though he did kill and eat a man in 2000.
You know, Canada, Americans poke fun at you a lot, but if you elected William Shatner to political office, that shit would stop immediately. Just think about it. Also, how do you think Shatner ate? For some reason, I think it might be Mayim Bialik of Blossom non-fame.
Autobot Hot Shot:
? William Shatner was originally picked to voice Unicron, but Orson Welles ate him and took his place. Shatner burst through his chest one year later.
? The Shat hit the fan once. The fan broke. The fan doesn’t go to Trek conventions anymore.
? William Shatner punched Klingons in the face so many times, they evolved forehead ridges as a natural defense.
Hot Shot’s last entry is, as far as I’m concerned, is now the canonical explanation for why Klingons developed foreheads ridges in-between Trek and TNG. Brilliant.
? Batman was never able to come up with a contingency plan for William Shatner
? William Shatner was originally supposed to star in the Prisoner, but he escaped in the first 5 minutes of being imprisoned…
I really, really enjoy the idea of Shatner on the Prisoner set, and thinking, “Wait a second. I could escape from here no problem. This show is totally flawed!”
William Shatner thinks the kids in Twilight pause like GODDAMNED AMATEURS.
In addition to The Captains poster and shirt, I would like to award Daniel Dean one million internet points.
? William Shatner saved the whales… and then punched them back into extinction, because fuck whales.
? Volcanoes were created when William Shatner started making love to mountains.
There were many “Shatner makes love to the mountains” jokes, but this was by far the best. Also, assuming that Shatner could actually have sex with a mountain, it makes a disturbing amount of geological sense as well.
One time, Bill Shatner breast fed an injured flamingo back to health
No entry made me laugh harder.
? William Shatner is currently in the midst of a three month long dramatic pause. In August he’ll utter the word “butterscotch” and resume the dramatic pause for two additional months before uttering the next word.
? William Shatner once described Japan as “not nearly as friendly as Luxemborg, but much cleaner.”
? William Shatner has committed the Where’s Wally? books to memory, and can call out Wally’s coordinates if given a page number and book title.
? William Shatner once wrestled a squirrel, and managed to make the match look far more dramatic than it had any right to.
? There are currently 73 men in the world with the name William Shatner. When one of them dies, the remaining get notably stronger.
? William Shatner invented a sexual position, a suicide position, and a baseball pitch, all of which share the same name: “William Shatner’s Filthy Slider.”
? William Shatner once came in second in the Indy 500 using an R.C. Car. Which he was riding.
? A Canadian Sobriety Test involves quoting a line of Shatner dialogue backwards.
? William Shatner’s enlarged brain and prehensile forearms allow him to open doors to seek his prey.
? William Shatner’s real hair remains locked in a safe, where it gets older and more frayed. It is said if William Shatner ever lays eyes upon it, he will perish.
? Running his fingernails through the grooves of a record allows William Shatner to produce a pitch-perfect match of its content.
? Originally the final boss of Bionic Commando, the game makers had to tone down the violence and replaced him with Hitler.
? William Shatner once kicked a football so hard it turned kosher.
Super Mario Brothers 3 included a ‘Shatner Suit’. It would cause the game to randomly pause.
? The Easter Bunny wears William Shatner slippers.
Algus gets the simultaneous quantity and quality award.
? William Shatner once shot a man in Reno just to see if anyone would write a song about it (Jonny Cash unwittingly ended a 21city one-man killing spree).
? It is common scientific knowledge that the only thing capable of cutting a William Shatner, is in fact another William Shatner.
? When you sign your driver’s license, passport or social security card you are agreeing to have sex with William Shatner whenever and however he wants.
? Jesus has a William Shatner nightlight.
? The Bushmen of Africa can travel vast distances in the desert using
only a single picture of James T. Kirk fighting a Gorn as sustenance.
The Bushmen of Africa entry was easily the entry that made me laugh second hardest.The rest? More gravy.
And that, finally, as that. Congrats to the winners, and my thanks to everyone who entered — this will be a page long-checked by bored internet surfers (or it should be, at any rate). And thanks yet again to Epix and The Captains, debuting at SDCC and as part of Shatnerpalooza this Friday!