Miscellaneous, Video Games

What Your Videogame Characters Would Say About You: And the Winners Are…

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PlayStation_Michael_Commercial_35741.jpg

?I don’t know why I was worried about having such a gaming specific-themed TR contest (specifically, one based on Sony’s new “Michael” ad). While some of you Topless Roboteer may have had to pass, about as many new commenters seemed to enter for the first time. Plus, the entries were fucking hysterical. If I didn’t have to make my batches of TR shirts last a certain amount of time, so many of you would have won. Alas, I had to be choosy, but you can still see the results of your awesomeness in my complete inability to pare down the Honorable Mentions to a reasonable number. Anyways, sidle up to the bar and insert a quarter, because that plethora of HMs and too-few winners are on the next page.


Honorable Mentions are loading…
loading…
still loading…
hmm…
actually I think maybe the game locked up…
no wait there it goes…


TheRam:

“Every time I kill someone, he makes me strip them naked and haul all their shit back to the damn pawn shop. Then he makes me carry all this fucking gold around. He never spends it. My pants sag from all this weight and the clanging noise tips off every enemy. Fuck my life.” – every single RPG character I play.


Someguy:

He’s been trying to shoot me since 1985. Year after year. You think he’d learn by now. It’s not my fault it’s funny, heck it’s not even my fault he missed the Ducks, I’m just the Dog.


Brando Lars:

Zaxxon Pilot- This Kid has amazing Spacial orientation. He may only be 8 years old but if he keeps this up he is gonna be flying fighter jets or that new “Space shuttle” NASA is using by the time he is 20. He is also as tenacious as a Pitbull ,He never gives up, Never gets discouraged, just keeps coming back for more. Truly impressive He’s going far unless he gets into role-playing games and drinking or something………
Grizzled Zaxxon Pilot 20 years later – Oh Brando WHY WHY What have you done…..


Doc:

Ezio (Assassins Creed 2): Curled into fetal position in corner muttering over and over again “4 Days for one Acheivement. 4 Days for one Acheivement.”


Porpoisepower:

Roger Wilco from SQ4 “He keeps telling me to taste and sniff: myself, creepy aliens, sewer grates, and trash. Once he made me walk arround a mall in drag, to get some buckazoids. Finally he made me get a job at Monolith Burger, and then got me fired because he kept talking to the lettuce”


Punch Yourself:

Get the fucking lamp yourself! – Every Text Adventure Game Ever Created


Arivalscientist:

Any female character from Dead Or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball
“How can he play this game with one hand?”


Spacegrass:

The Sims:
“Oh god, where did the door go? And the windows? And the refrigerator? I’m…I’m going to die here, aren’t I? What monster would do this to me?”


Andy:

Wizard from Gauntlet – that MF make me eat one more turkey I am just gonna die on him anyway.

Cory Knoll:

GLaDOS: “I’m not even disgusted when you defeat me while wearing only boxers and tall socks. I’m being so sincere, right now.”


Suchasiam:

Any War FPS I Own: “Jesus.. he must be trying to get his wife to play again. Im doing nothing but looking at the sky running in circles”

Portal 2: “Yup.. His wife is playing. I wonder if she runs into walls trying to go through a door in real life too”


Bazzzinga:

Lara Croft: “Humm, now let’s see what are you trying now, X Square, Triangle, L1, Up, Down… Nope. R1, L1, Square, Triangle Circle? Stil no. Right, Up, Left, Triangle, Circle, Square, Down? No, I’m definitely still wearing all my clothes… You know what, I think your friends at school might have been lying when they told you there was a topless cheat code… And for God’s sake put you pants back on.”


NicMiller:

Master Chief at his psychologist’s office….

Doc, Nic has me worried
‘How so?’
Well, it’s not the aliens, or the violence… it’s… I can’t talk about it.
‘Please Chief, if you don’t get it off your chest or you won’t feel any better’
Okay, it’s the Xbox live.. I just can’t take it anymore.
‘Really, I would think that you and Nic would enjoy the bonding over defeating other teams?’
We do doc, but if I have to tea-bag one more asshole and hear “ELMO PAINT YOUR FACE” again, I’m going to plasma grenade myself……


Cory Knoll:

Link: “The way he fearlessly stood behind me as I was ambushed my dozens of chickens that he told me to provoke… There’s only one word for it: Heroic.”


Matt Wells:

Metal Slimes in all 9 Dragon Quest games: “Mister…Why?…WHY DID YOU MURDER MY MOMMY AN DADDY?!!!


Quasimofo:

Kung Lao: So there I was, after a tough battle with Scorpion, one well-timed uppercut and I knocked him on his back. He stood up, defeated, and Shao Kahn screamed out “FINISH HIM!” With grim purpose I walk up to Scorpion, stare him in the eyes, duck, wiggle around, then kick him in the shin. It’s HIGH kick you stupid douche! HIGH kick!


Tome Minder:

My Sims:
“Juan Carlos”: She spent four hours modeling my face after an actor on Sons of Anarchy, what about you?
“Amelia” (my avatar): She spent an hour and a half on me and two hours creating the appropriate “look” for me. Then she hooked us up.
“Juan Carlos”: I remember, our personalities didn’t mesh but she forced us to be together. I hated you, you were an enemy but she spent two hours forcing us to interact…then she..she made us woohoo…oh god (sim breaks down crying)
“Amelia”: Don’t cry…shhh don’t cry…the woohooing is good isn’t it? We have a lot of fun don’t we? (Juan Carlos nods) She knew what she was doing, now go upstairs and relax on the bed…I’ll be up soon.

(He goes upstairs and the other Sim follows with intent to woohoo)


KittyMartini:

My Dragon Age character in regards to my beloved, Alistair: JESUS LADY, HE GETS IT! You want to bang, but come on, the guy said that he doesn’t want to have sex right now. I’m not THIS desperate.


Ben Cohen:

Leon Kennedy: Dude, I keep telling you, we’re supposed to SAVE Ashley. We’re not going to get anywhere if we keep- Hey, HEY! Put the grenade down! Not like that!


Uli:

Final Fantasy XIII:
Lightning: Have any of you guys seen Uli?
Snow: No. It’s been months. I think he quit.
*Lightning punches Snow*
Lightning: Shut the fuck up, Snow, you bastard. Of course he didn’t
quit! We’re a Final Fantasy game. Urgh, I can’t believe my bitch sister
is marrying you.
Hope: So what’s the plan, Light?
Snow: A true Hero doesn’t need a pl-
*Lightning punches Snow*
Lightning: Shut the fuck up, Snow, you bastard. I’m the Hero, and I’m
talking. Urgh, I can’t believe my bitch sister is marrying you. Right.
Here’s my plan: we keep going down this corridor. He’s sure to be at the
end of this one.
Snow: But we’ve been walking down corridors all day. Seriously, *I* might quit if this shit is all we have to look forward t-
*Lightning punches Snow*
Lightning: Shut the fuck up, Snow, you bastard. Urgh, I can’t believe my bitch sister is marrying you.


Pnutmaster:

I had a destiny once. Patrick Stewart told me so before he died. But apparently “closing shut the jaws of Oblivion” never mattered much to the ‘Almighty User’, cursed be his name.

Instead of pursuing the main quest, I was compelled to spend my days completely naked, hopping from city to city. When we did stop on our travels, it was to murder a lone person in the woods, steal his clothing, and drag his corpse halfway across Cyrodiil.

Most troubling of all were the things I learned about my world. Where is it that corpses do not decompose? Where is that the sounds of children cannot be heard? Where is it that men are slain when spoons are lifted? It is a hell, I tell you. A hell called Oblivion.


LealahLupin3:

Ash from Pokemon Red: “JESUS WOMAN! Why do you insist on fucking up my world with that Lovecraftian Horror?! Every time you encounter Missingno, my bag becomes a fucking TARDIS and is somehow big enough to carry hundreds of nuggets and Rare Candies! Looker isn’t even in this game! Every time you catch Missingno THE ENTIRE WORLD RESETS! JUST STOP IT!”


Greg Black:

Chrono: “He collects every stat boosting item in the game, doesn’t use them, goes through New Game Plus, gets them all over again….and he doesn’t fucking touch them!”


aka_The_Doctor:

Sora – “I sure would like to leave Destiny Islands, but he insists that I reach lvl 99 before doing so…”


Boredlizzie:

“Bitch has no sense of spatial reasoning!” – All of the Blocks in Tetris


David R S:

Solid Snake: Hey dude, remember when we found that really cool sniper rifle so we could check out all those skin mags we use as bait? And you made that joke about crawling up in a different type of box? And were all like “Yeah!” and the enemies were are like “!,” and you didn’t have your hand on the controller when they found us? And then they shot me to death and everyone was all like “SNAKE!!” Haha…you asshole.


zlgames:

based on a true story
Female sim: My life is so fucked up. I had a perfect family. I had a job as a physicist in a chem lab, and my husband was the world’s most talented musician, and we had a a perfect son who was doing well in class…until that fateful night. I was at work, when the fire hit…my husband who was a terrible cook anyway tried to make dinner….set the house on fire. Killed both my husband and son. I saw the grim reaper take them away. Then I grew a strange attraction to my female married neighbor. I had an affair with her…and we loved each other. her husband mysteriously died too, and we moved in together. God must love lesbians.Turns out she was a terrible cook…after spending the millions in simolians we had on our house……she burned down the house using 3 of the four ovens we had in the kitchen.
Spore creation:You think that’s bad? I have three butts, and eyes where my balls should be.


Ben Siegel:

I decided to take a little liberty with this one. Here’s what one of my favorite video game characters would say TO me.

King of All-Cosmos from “Katamari Damacy”: “Oh, it’s you. Hello there! It’s so nice to see you again but shouldn’t you be working on your Master’s thesis right about now? Ah, you’re stoned out of your fucking mind and procrastinating. You truly are a graduate student! How would you like to roll some colorful bullshit up in a ball while we play insane Japanese music? YOU WOULD?!?! Splendid! Of course you would. This is infinitely more interesting than writing about the history of biblical monotheism. I must admit, if your last game was any indication, you’re not much better at this than my whelp of a son. However, you sure are larger and, as a large, kingly, figure, I can appreciate a man of your stature. You… are… a man, right? Perhaps you could benefit from a large belt buckle to draw attention to your genitals. It works so well for me. Anyway, let’s get you started on rolling. What’s that you say? You’ve taken 3 pills of ecstacy and you’re already rolling? Jolly good show!”

LOADING COLORS… FEELINGS… HALLUCINATIONS… SHAME… WASTED FINANCIAL AID


Daniel Dean:

“Cave Johnson here. Let’s face it, I’m here under duress and so’s your shirt. Why not cut us both a break, go outside and get some exercise. Breathing, or perhaps moving. Maybe hit some links that aren’t sausages. Science says an object at rest is likely to remain so, but I say prove science wrong! Show science up in front of the whole prom and nail science’s girlfriend behind the gym. Now if you’ll excuse me I have an appointment with a scotch and a date with a classy prostitute named Another Scotch.”


Clockwork_Smurf:

Tetris pieces – He’s got to be gay. There are other ways to win besides lining yourself up for the big long piece.


Leah Nardo:

“She just hits buttons at random. So, there I am, twitching across the screen like a booth babe with her finger in an electrical socket, my thong crawling higher up my ass with every jerk, no option to pull out the camel-toe, flailing at my opponents. I dislocated both hips and a shoulder last week. What’s worse is she WINS. Every time. And the giggling while I wish for sweet, sweet death? It never ends.” -Cammy, Street Fighter


Rejones1207:

Sephiroth “I actually started to feel bad for the guy… I mean he just kept sobbing…. it took him 2 hours just to put disc 2 in…. and he doesn’t even realize that at the end of all this, I’m totally going to fuck his world up”


VindicaSean:

“Don’t tell him I said this, but…*looks around for witnesses* Sometimes, he pushes “jump”, and I just plant my feet. Fuck him.”- Every platformer character, ever.


uncanny expat:

Sorry, ma’am, it’s nothing personal, I guess he just really doesn’t like pottery. – Link


The Red-Headed Nerd:

Nathan Drake: “Whew! Cut-scene time! I’m out of that moron’s hands for a few minutes, anyway. Wait; What’s that circle icon doing in the corner of the screen? Wai- OH MY GOD THERE’S A HUGE ROCK ABOUT TO FALL ON ME! HIT THE BUTTON! WHERE IS HE? DID HE LEAVE THE ROOM? PICK UP THE CONTROLLER!”
-dies


IWishForRobots:

“I think maybe you need to go outside for a few hours today.” – Every Final Fantasy character
“I think maybe you need to move on and realize there probably won’t be a sequel.” – Every Chrono Cross character.


Serpentlord:

Shadow of the Colossus main character:
MAJOR SPOILER
“Look, man, I’m pretty sure the games over. Can you stop making me rush to the Princess lady? I’m pretty sure that after 20 minutes of running, the game doesn’t expect you to actually make it.”
“Come on, jackoff, my feet are killing me.”
“Look, it’s been 40 minutes, how the hell haven’t you figured it out yet?”
“Alternate endings? This is a Japanese game, dumbass, you should be thankful they actually gave you an overworld.”


Mike Haggar:

Mike Haggar: Say, you’ve certainly been eating your vegetables! What a stunning example of the perfect human physique… such strong hands… and a moustache that truly speaks of your doubtless virility. You should run for Mayor! Want some of my barrel turkey, Handsome? No homo.


Kyle Tresnan:

Me: GUYS, THIS BABY DIDN’T HAVE PERFECT IVS AND ITS NATURE IS ALL WRONG. KEEP GOING.
My Pokemon: But I’ve already fathered 37 Bagon today! And the missus is exhausted!
Me: YOU WILL MAKE ME MORE BABIES UNTIL YOU GET IT RIGHT.
My Pokemon: Dude, seriously, we liked you a lot better before you got into this competitive crap. It used to be all about fun. You could teach your Salamence Fly and be totally happy with it, Now we’ve got to be perfect, and you have to breed us a thousand times just to teach us Dragon Dance and give us a Naughty nature. You’re wasting hours of your life on this, and our genitals are tired.


Murphys_Law:

The scene takes place at a funeral, the cast of mariokart 64 stands around a coffin.

Mario: I can’t believe it, he’s gone.
Bowser: He used to be the best. We may have been enemies, but he was the closest thing to a koopa anyone could ever have.
Mario: All I had to do was hit a block and he was there ready to go. I abused him, used him as an extra jump from time to time, but he was my friend.
(Luigi begins to sob)
Peach: If only Dave didn’t come home drunk and decided to pick him as his driver. Just driving into a wall for a while until he fell into the lava.
(Mario walks up to the coffin and places a power star in it)
Mario: May it guide you through star world.
(the camera zooms out to reveal Yoshi in the coffin)
~Don’t play mariokart drunk.

Final Stage: The winners approach!


Fanboy:

“So I’m in Bowser’s castle for the umpteenth time, and I’m dodging fireballs, so I know I’m getting close. You know how there’s that moment I have to jump over the fireball or else there’s no time to avoid it? Well, my guy misses that. Okay, its cool, so I’ll take the hit and come back. I have, like 10 extra lives, its not a problem. But then, right before it happens, he pauses the game. And doesn’t come back to it for 18 hours. So there I am, forced, for the very first time, to contemplate my impending death. Y’know, most times its happens so fast I don’t even have time to register it before I drop off screen, but this time, I get to consider how everything I’ve ever accomplished could be undone by a single goddamn fireball. How a single mistake could utterly destroy me. And I get to consider it hour over agonizing hour, just praying to Miyamoto that someone will come along and reset the game, so I can forget, or unpause and put me out of my misery. Finally, when it happens, and I come back and beat Bowser, I find out she’s in another castle. Fuck that, man. He wants to find that bitch so badly, let him give my brother a call. He could use the work.”-Mario

As I mentioned there were a ton of phenomenal entries this week, but none quite so mesmerizingly brilliant as Fanboy’s here. I honestly will never think about pausing a videogame the same way again. Just outstanding work. As is winner #2…


Mittens:

Parappa the Rapper:

Alright, I’m here, just sitting in the bar.
Drowning all my sorrows but it’s not working so far
Being the protagonist of an early rhythm game,
You might think it’s a good gig, but it’s really pretty lame.

Because of some moron mashing L2
I sta-sta-sta-sta-stammer when I try to speak to you.
Metagaming explains why my friends don’t understand
when you’re tap-tap-tappin X away my words get out of hand!

All simple activities, they just become a chore
Every time I step outside my house and close the door
For instance, if I want to simply bake a cake
I have to rhyme my tv to avoid a stomachache!
Driving lessons are a joke, my teacher is a moose
who raps in double tempo, she’s really got screws loose!
Chop Chop Master Onion was the only one who made
any kind of sense to me, perhaps if I had stayed
learning Kung-Fu martial arts, I could have had a chance
to escape this paper-thin world of song and dance.
But as far as this life goes, he was lesson one.
For plot-related usefulness, as soon as he was done
As soon as I had passed his stage, I could never come again
Unless I wanted ‘bonus points,’ but really who wants them?

You probably have seen by now I only speak in rhyme

Sony has a sniper poised to kill me all the time!
ABAB rhyming is all that I’m allowed to do
If I fail even once, they said ‘he’ll kill you’
I’ll never get to confess my love to Sunny Funny Flower,
I wish for once the roles reversed, for then I’d have the power
to inflict on you the misery that you all make me live
in day to day activities, oh what I wouldn’t give
for just one day to be free of these ghastly rhyming ways
Curse you, damn Playstation and the music gaming craze!

(I wrote this in 20 minutes and had to stop myself from writing more)

The towering awesomness of this entry should be obvious, but two things take it beyond merely “exceptional” for me: 1) Parappa complaining how he can only rhyme in couplets, 2) Mittens had the wherewithal and self-discipline to stop herself before it got too long and/or obnoxious. As I have virtually no restraint whatsoever, I’m always impressed to see it in other people.

And that’s that! Congrats to the winners and thanks to everyone who entered; again, if I didn’t have to make each pile of TR t-shirts last a certain amount of time, I’d have probably given away a dozen for this contest. Anyways, this upcoming week’s contest is both sponsored and special, so you might want to stop by. I mean, if you like Batman to any degree.

About Author

Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.