?There’s one thing I didn’t think about when I proposed this contest last Friday, and that’s how unbelievably upset some of these entries would make me. Seriously, some infuriated me, some made nauseous, and some made we want to set the internet on fire just so Bay could never look at them and accidentally be “inspired.” And here they are.
There’s no honor in what we did this weekend, but these entries still deserved a mention:
Dune by Michael Bay
– the sandworms are alien transforming “worms” that pee on the Baron’s nephews
– Jessica is a scantily-clad sex bomb/pornstress as are all of the sisterhood
– the mentats are whiney teenagers
– explosions everywhere; the weirding way are totally sentient explosions
– Paul makes it pee on Arakis
– Idaho is either a redneck or escapes the harkonens by donning blackface
– the harkonens are all S&M, no pretense otherwise
– did I forget the explosions?
– the spice is now pot brownies
– “father, the bladder has emptied!”
Michael Bay Presents: Master of the Universe (singular because teamwork is for pussies)
Professional street-luger Adam Grechtel (every protagonist must have a nigh-impronounceable name, keeps em believable), son of a US Senator, finds out about his father’s pet defense project: S. W. O. R. D. The DoD calls it “The S. W. O. R. D. of Grechtel”. Orko is a hacker, played by John Leguizamo. BattleCat is Adam’s calico.
S. W. O. R. D. is a gun styled after a Gears of War Lancer, with an absurdly long bayonet attached. To the stock.
Evil corporation Scale-Tor is in pursuit of the weapon for nefarious, terrorist-y purposes. The CEO’s name? John Hordak.
Labor Day weekend, by the power of Greyskull….shit gets real.
“Neon Genesis Evangelion: A high-paced techno explosion action thriller in the vein of Tron, starring hot blooded teen heartthrob Shinji Ikari, who has some baaaaaad explosion dad troubles. But he needs to BE A MAN when the world is under attack by evil explosion aliens called Devils, that fire lasers out their eyes and shit explosions. All the while juggling two horny teen models, the shy yet curious explosion Rei Ayanami, and the boisterous and explosive Asuka (explosion). Can Shinji save the world, and still get a ‘ride’ on Miss explosion Misato’s ‘car’? Watch Michael Bay’s NGE this summer explosion and find out!”
….to a theater near you.
(Explosions, twisting metal in slow motion)
In a world gone out of control…
(long slow motion shot of girls in bikinis pole dancing, explosions in dirt)
(heat-soaked dirt race track, palm trees and muscle guys in hot rods gazing over the tops of their sunglasses)
…to PONY UP!!
(Action shots of the new “digitally enhanced” MyLittle Pony. Each oiled, lean and glowing under electric lights, pouting pony faces, strutting like supermodels.)
This summer, they’re not horsing around.
Fluttershy winking at the camera, tossing her mane over one shoulder, “What are you waiting for Stud?”
Avatar: The Last Airbender
He would try to cram the entire first season (every plot point, character interaction, location) into a single movie, cast the majority of the roles with caucasians, and systematically mispronounce every characters name for no apparent reason.
Michael Bay’s “Ghostbusters III: Explosions and Slow Motion”
Very loosely tied into the first two Ghostbusters movies, this film, while titled “Ghostbusters III” would actually be a prequel that focused on the undergraduate hi-jinks of Ray, Egon and Venkman as they partied their way through frat life – playing beer pong and going through hazing rituals and playing pranks on the Dean. Oh, and ghosts, also, will be in there, somewhere.
It will star Seth Rogen as Egon, Shia LeBouf as Venkman, and Michael Cera as Ray. They’ll meet up with a young Winston Zeddemore, even though they wouldn’t actually meet him until the first Ghostbusters movie. Michael Bay will not notice nor care about this continuity error.
As with the Transformers movies, Michael Bay will consider ghosts and Ghostbusting to be incidental to the plot despite the fact that it’s right there in the title. When they do get around to actually focusing on the ghost part of the story, the plot will require New York City to be placed under martial law just so that Bay can wank over tanks, planes and guys with guns to his heart’s content. Sadly, the word processing program the writers will use to form the script has a defect that tragically duplicates certain words. Words like “No no no no no no no no!’ and “Go go go go go go go!”
It will make $760 million dollars.
Michael Bay’s Reading Rainbow.
It’s about an evil parasitic rainbow from outer space that reads peoples minds.
Michael Bay’s ReBoot
Bob Guardian (yeah, that’s his name) is Special Forces and a computer whiz. The evil Megabyte corporation wants to unleash a computer virus plague on the world. Why? Just because. This results in big mechanical things erupting from computers because Michael Bay doesn’t know what a computer or a virus is. How or why they go from being “in computers” to “in the real world” is never explained. It just happens with lots of explosions. Bob is played by Channing Tatum and Glitch, his assistant that transforms from a wristwatch to a drop suit and an F-15, is voiced by Gilbert Gottfried.
The character “Dot Matrix” is decided to be passe, and is replaced by Lazer Printher, a smokin’ hot babe who dresses in skin-tight leather with plunging necklines and carries laser pistols. That’s the extent of her character. No one can tell who the actress is since her boobs are too big.
EndZone runs an internet gambling fantasy football league, and is improbably swept into Bob and Lazer’s wake. When told that the character was supposed to be “Enzo”, Michael Bay replied that it was a new interpretation of the character with a more complex backstory and not because he misheard the name. The Beef was approached about the role, but declined it. Jack Black was cast instead.
Sexadecimal wears a theatre mask but dresses like a dominatrix. She uses her control of her vast online porn empire to pretend to assist MegaByte when she really wants to corrupt Bob Guardian. Since we never see her face, the role’s uncredited.
Phong is played by Ken Jeong.
Michael Bay presents…. Game of Thrones!
Michael Bay will not be limited to a TV series. Oh no, no sir. Instead he will condense the ten hours of the series into one easy to consume two hour block.
Nicholas Cage plays the evil King, Ned Stark. He rules the Seven Kingdoms with an iron fist, oppressing the people. Any attempts to rebel are quickly squashed by the Hand of the King, Viserys Targaryen (played by John Turturro) & his dragons.
In the north lives Jon Snow (The Bouf, natch). He is a noble warrior & true heir to the throne. Word reaches him of his mother’s death and his true destiny is revealed! He must raise an army of ragtag soldiers & reclaim his title. Along the way, we’ll meet such delightful & compelling characters as The Hound, a talking dog who imparts wisdom at key moments; Jamie & Tyrion Lannister, a couple of hilarious (and mildly racist) brigands who attempt to rob young Jon in the night; and the ghost of Jon’s father (Harrison Ford), who holds the key to the final battle with the Mad King.
This Summer….. GAME ON.
Michael Bay Presents:
Mega Man – The Movie!
Taylor Kitsch stars as Navy SEAL Lt. Jack Megaman- a warrior who plays by “his own set of rules.” When Lt. Megaman’s hand is injured in battle, the brilliant Dr. Light (John Lithgow) rebuilds his arm into a powerful energy cannon, powered by a suit resembling the infamous “Box Art” design.
Little does the military know, but Dr. Light’s old rival Dr. Wily (John Turturro) has hatched a scheme of world domination- simultaneously sending his robot armies to conquer the world’s biggest cities! Now, it’s up to Megaman to battle the robotic hordes (in an order of his own choosing!), and defeat Dr. Wily’s cyborg lieutenants: Elec Man (Rainn Wilson), Fire Man (Dan Fogler), Ice Man (Jay Baruchel), Guts Man (Kevin James), Cut Man (Jim Parsons), and Bomb Man (Zach Galifianakis).
Only by taking on their own powers can Megaman become powerful enough to storm Wily’s secret fortress, and rescue his true love- Dr. Light’s daughter Rollanda (portrayed by a display mannequin from Victoria’s Secret).
Don’t Miss Mega Man – The Movie! Soundtrack by Linkin Park.
Michael Bay to direct “Horrible” sequel
(June 1, 2012) San Angeles, CA – In the wake of Joss Whedon being
crushed to death by a stampede of adoring fans following the release of
“The Avengers,” director Michael Bay has been tapped to take over
production of the big-screen sequel to Whedon’s 2008 web-series “Dr.
Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog.” When reached for comment, Bay said that he
already has ideas on how to take the franchise in new, exciting
“I love the idea of a superhero story being told from the perspective of
a villain,” Bay said. “I think the original production missed the
opportunity to play that angle to its full extent. Dr. Horrible
deserves to be a proper cinematic villain: threats, bombs, killings.
Think the Joker in ‘Dark Knight’. Plus, I haven’t narrowed down the
choices just yet, but his name will be getting an upgrade too; ‘Dr.
Horrible’ is hardly intimidating.”
Fans can also expect other characters to return in the sequel. “Captain
Hammer will naturally be back, and the events of the original show will
have changed him too. He’s less self-centered, and as he sees the
monster that Dr. Horrible has become, he is forced to turn himself into a
better hero,” Bay explained. “Unfortunately, Nathan Fillion’s
television work conflicts with our schedule, so I’m already in talks
with Channing Tatum to take over the Hammer role. I’m still in discussions
with Neil Patrick Harris, but I have a shortlist in case he’s
unavailable as well. Jackie Earl Haley, for one.”
Bay also has a different vision for what the sequel will sound like.
“The musical aspect of the original seriously limited its appeal.
Audiences don’t want singing heroes and villains. A couple of songs
were already written before Joss’s untimely death, and while those may
show up as easter eggs on the DVD, I don’t think there’s a place for
them on the big screen. And by making this more of a blockbuster and
not a musical, I think that will help to preserve Joss’s original vision while
still expressing my own take on it.”
Michael Bay’s One Piece
Shia LeBoeuf is Marvin D. Luffy, an awkward, anxiety-ridden
college sophomore majoring in physics. When
an experiment goes wrong, he is transported to the magical alien realm known as
The Grand Line, a collection of airborne islands ruled by roving bands of sky pirates. Marvin quickly finds himself aboard the sentient
talking airship Battle Franky, with its crew of loveable misfits, led by the
lightsaber-wielding captain, Roderick Zoro:
Brook, the jive-talking, rapping cyborg; Sanji, the gruff and portly chef with a heart
of gold; Usopp, the grizzled weapons officer; Naomi and Robin, the ship’s sexy maintenance crew
who spend most of the movie scantily clad and covered in either oil or soapy
water; and Chopper, the crew’s adorable tiny
pet reindeer with a large set of testicles; Marvin is first introduced to this
world by waking up to find Chopper humping his leg.
Marvin quickly becomes part of the crew and joins them on
their hunt for the legendary ancient treasure One Piece. But in order to get it, they’ll need to
defeat the evil pirate Whitebeard and his airship armada. Lessons are learned and confidence is gained
before Marvin is abducted by the enemy.
Cue an effects laden rescue sequence, with Marvin managing to kick
Whitebeard in the nuts and trigger the self-destruct system before escaping to
the Battle Franky, which flies away as Whitebeard’s ship explodes, taking the
rest of the enemy fleet with it.
The crew arrives at the island where One Piece is hidden, to
find that the treasure is a dimensional portal. Marvin uses the portal to return
to our world after tearful goodbyes (and one last hump attempt by Chopper). The movie closes with our hero strolling
across campus, filled with confidence, an exceedingly attractive coed on each arm.
Michael Bay’s Disney’s Gargoyles!
Davey Xanatos is the dorkiest rich kid in New York, until his family buys a castle. Inside, he discovers a nest of giant eggs, which hatch into gargoyles, who are all convinced that Davey is their mother. He uses them to help get girls, particularly Elisa Maza, the hottest girl in school. He has the gargoyles crap on her boyfriends from the air (and yes, giant gargoyle poop is their main power) and steal her panties.
The gargoyles themselves learn about modern society from the internet, and as such, Goliath (once voiced with heft and majesty by Keith David), is a streetwise, jive-talkin’ hustler who performs a rap song. Lexington is mute, Broadway and Hudson engage in farting matches, and Brooklyn is a cowboy. Bronx is nowhere to be found.
Eventually things get serious when the gargoyle’s evil mother Demona shows up to collect them. She’s a 600-foot tall monster, so Davey uses his connections to call in…The Army! What follows is a 45-minute battle in which military gear is shown off and the gargoyles appear briefly. Goliath is killed offscreen, and finally Brooklyn uses some hi-tech weaponry to blow Demona’s face off. Elisa, seeing how Davey saved the city, thusly begins to bone him. The movie ends with a fart contest that overlays the latest Godsmack song.
Michael Bay’s Futurama!
A space action comedy for the average man – no math jokes here! Commander Philip J. Fry is hurled into the future year 30,000 by a military accident gone right! He meets his distant relative Professor Hubert Farnsworth (who constantly wets his pants). Together they build Bender a 10 foot tall and disturbingly anatomically accurate technological wonder. They go under cover as a delivery company, Planet Xpress, to take down the evil head of Momcorp, and her lover and DOOP commander Zapp Branagan and to discover the secret to their reverse time travel device because Fry’s next leap could be the leap home. Trouble is afoot though as double agent Amy Wong, triple agent Hermes Conrad and their pet lobster Ziodberg (will he be eaten before the end of the movie – you’ll have to watch!) join the crew. You’ll laugh until you cry as foul mouthed, cockney accented, leg humping pet Nibbler joins arrives. But perhaps the mysterious Scruffy holds the key to entire time space continuum or the destruction of everything. Just when all hope is lost for our heroes, the Xpress ship destroyed, Bender’s Phall-missile supply depleted and Mom on top (of the battle and Zapp) an unlikely ally arrives from the stars. The sexy one eyed Leela transports down, but what is her agenda? One thing is for sure… she’s an alien, because FUCK MUTANTS!!
In his desperate efforts to force an idea nobody wanted onto the cinema screens of the Earth, Dan Aykroyd made a deal with the devil. But this devil was not horned nor hoofed, nor was his skin red or his chin goateed. This devil wore a fur coat, and preposterous bling, and a wonky smirk that could provoke murderous violence in even the most cowardly of wusses! His name was Michael Bay, and the ‘small tweaks’ he made to foolish Aykroyd’s script would leave a colossal hole in the heart of the Ghostbusters franchise, and its many fans, that would last for all eternity.
Upon hearing just one of the jokes spoken by new character Meagan, Winston’s sassy grand niece played by Willow Smith, Bill Murray promptly tore his own face off. Upon watching a clip from the movie in which the newly computer-generated Slimer poops slime all over Bette Midler in 3D, eighteen kittens went into cardiac arrest. And when he saw the climactic scene when Peter Venkman’s grown up son Chet (Shia LaBeouf) saves the universe from the evil ghost army of Jupiter using his haunted electric guitar and the help of ghost Michael Jackson, Rob Bricken punched himself in the dick until he ceased to exist, and Topless Robot, and DoctorSmashy, and this comment, this prophecy of doom, was lost forever, condemning mankind to suffer Ghostbusters 3: Sprits of Fire , in all its shitty, shitty glory.
Michael Bay’s Mystery Science Theater 3000.
Running on the logic that Sherlock Holmes is big now and since robots have been such big business for him in the past, Bay reimagines the Deep 13 duo as a misunderstood genius and his more logical, ass-kicking assistant.
Assisted by his equally brilliant associate Dr. T. V. Franc (Arnold Schwarzeneger, in his come back role!)Dr. Clayton Forrester (Shia LeBeouf) is a brilliant scientist who pits himself in a never-ending battle of wits against the evil Mr. Robinson (Kevin Spacey, purely because Bay agreed to buy him a new theater), who seeks to conquer the world with his army of “robot friends”. These include numerous clones of three main droids…
Crow – A deadly sexecutioner fembot. Played by a nude, gold-painted Paris Hilton.
Tom Servo – the sassy, shrill-voiced “urban” one. Played by Chris Tucker
Cambot – the most intelligent and verbose of the robots. Voiced by Kelsey Grammar.
Most of the movie takes place in the Beverly Hills Hilton, with numerous scenes of Dr. F attempting to romance a confused Crow, who is curious about the human emotion known as “love”. The climax comes as Dr. F and company storm Mr. Robinson’s moonbase before he can unleash his most dreadful creation yet – the Giant Invincible Planet Smashing Individual Droid.
In the end, T.V. Frank sacrifices himself to save the Earth, the moon is blown up and Dr. F and Crow fly into deep space, seeking a new planet to repopulate after Crow’s mind is transfered into a human woman’s body.
The Tasteless One:
Art Spiegelman is a cop on the edge, driven by the need to revenge his father’s horrific death at the hands of evil Nazi scientists who turned him into a man sized mouse. Spiegelman uses his explosion/tits powered time machine to go back in time to the holocaust, where he joins his father and uncovers a Nazi plot far deeper than anything he had ever imagined. Luckily, Art is also an alien with the power to turn people into the animals they are inside, which he uses to turn all the Nazis into cats, who are then eaten by invading Asians. Art falls in love with the stunningly gorgeous Anja, who has a mutation that makes her always topless, and they make sexytimes in the middle of an explosion. Anja turns out to be his mother, and Art becomes his own father. Upon learning this, Art gets in his Ferrari he brought with him from the future and chases down Hitler, with who he engages in a massive gunfight. After he wins and successfully avenges his “father’s” suffering, he blows up the body with a nuclear bomb, using the explosion and Anja’s constantly exposed tits to power his time machine to send him back to the present.
However, Hitler, barely alive, jumped in to the time machine at the last second, and urinates all over Art’s Ferrari. Hitler escapes in the ensuing explosion. Roll credits. Sequel.
Jake’s your typical American kid (played by Fred, of the popular Fred YouTube videos): he loves Monster Energy drinks, Doritos Brand Chips and Axe Body Products. But one day he’s playing his PSP Vita, when a bad wi-fi connection causes him to be sucked into the video game! He suddenly finds himself in a series of cold, grey, mechanical rooms in deep space surrounded by the scariest digital creatures 100,000 million dollars can buy. The creatures zip around so fast on screen, there’s no one clear shot of what they actually look like. They breathe hallucination gas they makes you think they look like things Earth kids like, such as cupcakes or candy. But when you get close they reveal their true nature and spit their venom into your eyes. They are fast and scary, and dark and digital. He’s saved by a bizarre alien named Fah’Hin who can transform its body to get them out of jams: it can morph into a shield, a car, a machine gun, a Bowie Knife, or whatever helps kill an enemy. It gives the boy a shiny white techno-helmet with a visor that makes them telekinetically linked, so the two can understand each other. The Earth boy also dons a black, armored-rubber suit with lots of pouches. The boy then gets his hands on an ancient sword bestowed with techno-magic powers, and has a USB port he can use to upload new powers into the sword from other species, such as the legendary Owls of Ga’Hoole. Jake has a catch phrase, and it’s “Bank on it, brother.” This will be put on t-shirts and prizes for the Hot Topic “Bank on it, Brother!” sweepstakes if you text “Bank1266” to Hot Topic’s Facebook wall. Together they realize they must rescue a series of space princesses who each possess a techno-magic rune that can bring peace to the universe. But before the two unlikely allies from different worlds can get their mission underway, Jake and Fah’hin hear a voice behind them: “Ice to see you again — my name is The Ice King. Learn it well. For it is the chilling sound of your doom.” But can Jake save the world…before bedtime? Michael Bay presents: “Adventure Time: Legend of the Guardians”
Neon Genesis Evangelion, as directed by Michael Bay:
Shinji Ikari is the incredibly capable and courageous pilot of a giant, overly-designed, all-mechanical robot called an Eva. They are never referred to as Evangelions, because that word is too complicated. Two other pilots are working alongside him, Asuka and Rei, who pilot nearly identical grey Evas that look far too much like Shinji’s. Shinji keeps talking about how much of a hopeless loser he is while both Rei and Asuka fight over him. Both are played by Victoria’s Secret models and instead of being polar opposites of one another, their both sexpot teases who only disagree when the script needs a catfight. They are all led by the badass Commander Gendo, or “The G-Man” as every character seems to call him. Misato is not present at all because a female character of integrity and strength has no place here. Instead of the Evas being humanity’s only defense against the Angels, all the Evas do is lower the Angel’s AT fields so that the military can kill the Angels with huge-ass guns and missile volleys. Makoto Hyuga and Shigeru Aoba constantly argue about whether Asuka or Rei is hotter and never seem to actually do their jobs. Finally, Kaworu shows up way earlier than he did in the series, but only exists to do gay stuff to Shinji and talk about how his nickname in training was “Deep Wang.” Also, all this takes place in New York and the Evas launch out of the Empire State Building.
Excuse me while I go throw up.
Michael Bay’s The Lord of the Rings.
1. The cast now consists of Frodo (Fredo), Aragorn (Allen), Arwen, and Gandalf (Detective Gandalf), who is played by John Tuturro. Gandalf is investigating a series of weird events that have been happening around the world. Arwen is a space alien that is pretty much just an Elf from SPAAAAAAAACCCCEEEE.
2. The Ring Anduril and Arwen fall out of the sky after her escape pod suffers a hull breach while crashing to Earth. The One Ring is is a hand-sized disc that fires laser beams and called The Ring of Power because of a circle of lights that come on during its power on and power off cycles. Using it seems to have some negative side-effects at first, but this is forgotten as the movie goes along. Anduril is called Anvil because Allen uses the sword to cut through one that happens to be nearby.
3. Gollum is now a street-wise, jive-talking dude in pimp clothes who is forever trying to steal the Ring every time Frodo looks away. He is named Gollum because of the odd sound he makes after snorting a line of coke. He wants the Ring because it might fetch a nice price at the pawnshop.
4. Sauron is now an alien that is trying to reclaim The Ring of Power and Anvil, which was lost after a battle with the space elves, who have been trying to protect those legendary artifacts from the evil Empire of Darkness. Arwen was the only survivor. Sauron is also a giant dinosaur thing that has glowing eyes and can breathe fire. This is because audiences won’t accept him being an flaming eye when he is named after a dinosaur.
5. There is theoretically romantic tension between Allen and Arwen, but it doesn’t really work since she’s just awful at acting. Fredo is jealous of the two and tension increases throughout the film.
6. After a colossal battle between the forces of Sauron and our heroes, Allen leaps through the air while explosions go off and impales Sauron in the face with Anvil. Sauron promptly explodes.
7. The heroes celebrate their victory, but the death of Sauron has alerted his boss Morgoth to the existence of a world named Earth.
Michael Bay presents: Fyre-Flie: Serenity’s End.
It’s 500 years in the future, and the United Alliance has just lost the war to the cunning and tyrannical Han-Ching Empire. Captain Cal Reynolds (played by Ryan Reynolds, cause that’s just easier for everyone working on the film), a former freedom-fighter turned bounty-hunter/playboy, flies around the galaxy in his souped-up warship, Serenity, called a Fyre-Flie for its massive military armaments and its ability to fly really fast and shit.
But life isn’t always perfect for this roguish bounty hunter! For Cal’s affections are always being fought over by his crew, and how could he possibly pick? Maybe the geeky but sexy engineer, Kailee (Jessica Alba in glasses and some oil streaks on her face)? Or does his heart belong to his co-pilot, the tragically brave and “girl strong” Zoey (Isabel Lucas), who is fleeing from her abusive husband, Wash (50 Cent)? Of course, it could also be the space whore, Inara (Megan Fox), who secretly dreams of giving up her life to be with Cal, if only he would notice her for who she truly is!
Thank God that Cal has his friend J41N, his robot dog! He always has a quip to lend.
All of this is turned on its head when the crew finds a stowaway: The mysterious River Swift (Taylor Swift, name changed to avoid confusion, and to not sound so Asian). And while the female crew members are immediately jealous of her, Cal realizes that she must be truly important, for dangerous Han-Ching Empire is after her!
Multiple space battles and explosions ensue as the crew battles to discover River’s true secret, and why the vicious Han wants her so badly. SPOILER: Her secret is that her voice resonates on the exact frequency which destroys the Han-Ming’s ships, but only when she sings soulful country.
2001: A Space Odyssey, Gone are the haunting orchestrated soundtrack and subtlety, in with the explosions, hip-hop and mayhem. HAL is now an android member of the crew with guns and lasers. Dave is a raging pill-popper and Dr Lockwood (Frank) is a double agent for some secret doomsday cult. The monolith isn’t just a black slab anymore but has glowing cracks like cyber-circuitry that can hack and uses telepathy. Jupiter doesn’t just implode it actually sucks in a moon or two with it. Fast-paced and cutting edge. CGI out the wazoo.
Michael Bay’s Captain Caveman and the Teen Angels
DeeDee Skyes (Keke Palmer) travels to Alaska with her fellow cheerleaders and
friends, Brenda Chance (Elizabeth Gillies) and Taffy Dare (Jennette McCurdy), in search of her long lost father. For some reason known only to Michael Bay, the girls are wearing their team uniforms with the school mascot, an angel, on their trek through ice and snow. They come upon a man frozen in the ice. After joking about Iceman from Top Gun, the girls first try to melt the ice by coaxing a wolf to pee on the ice. They eventually melt the ice to free the man using a makeup compact and a cellphone. The physics behind this are never explained but the dramatic soundtrack at this scene tries to make you forget about that.
Captain C. Aveman(Val Kilmer completely done in CGI – haha, get the Iceman reference from earlier now), having been freed by the “Teen Angels” must track down his archnemesis, Stormy Skyes(Samuel L Jackson with a CGI torso) who oddly enough to the viewers but not to Michael Bay turns out to be DeeDee’s father. Stormy, with much monologing, wishes to enslave the human race for his own evil needs. (Again, for reasons only known to Michael Bay)
Michael Bay will hire Gary Owens to say his famous line:
“Set free by the Teen Angels from his prehistoric block of glacier ice comes
the world’s first superhero, Captain Caveman! Now the constant companion
to the Teen Angels–Brenda, Dee Dee and Taffy–in their hilarious, and
sometimes scary mystery missions. Get ready for Captain Caveman and
the Teen Angels!”
The setting is near-future dystopian New York: Teenage street gangs run the city–the baddest being the “Drewgs” (sic) lead by Alexander “Little Alex” DeLarge.
But when Little Alex is finally captured after a six state manhunt featuring SWAT, FBI, Federal Marshals, and the National Guard…and resulting in hundreds of civilian casualties and millions in property damage, the Feds give him an ultimatum: Lethal injection, or an experimental procedure called the “Ludovico Treatment”.
This super-scientific process will give Alex the strength of 20 men, super speed, and telekinesis: They need Alex to go fight the alien-backed Arab terrorists who are threatening to take over America–they’ve kidnapped the newly elected U.S. President (Rebecca Romijn, who spends half the movie chained up and in torn clothes).
But there’s a catch: The treatment inexplicably turns his skin orange…and a tiny tactical warhead is implanted in his brain. If he fails to accomplish his mission and retrieve the President before the counter implanted in his forehead runs out, he’ll explode…taking out everything in a six-block radius.
Based on the novel by Anthony Burgess….
Ashton Kutcher is:
(Oh, let’s not forget the soundtrack: Beethoven’s 9th Symphony as performed by Nickleback)
Coming this summer:
We zoom in on a young black boy. He’s charming, wacky, stereotypically clad in what Michael Bay thinks people from ‘the hood’ might wear. He is chasing after a girl. “Come on, B’trice, baby!” he shouts after her, to no avail. Disappointed, he turns to his white friend, the only Caucasian on screen. “Damn! Bitches be so crazy, Virgil,”. Virgil, who is of course being played by Shia Lebeouf, nods sympathetically.
Suddenly, BOOM! A gaping pit opens in the middle of the street, prompting much hamming from all humans, and we pan back just in time to see the last monster scamper from the pit. Racially insensitive slurs pour forth from the young stars faster than the flames from the gaping maw.
“Why didn’t the scientists warn us?!” cries the voice over, as a mechanical clank is heard.
We cut to a montage of the two men traveling through hellish terrain, up a wall of faces crying “Ouch!” and “Hey, watch it! I didn’t eat all that hemlock to spend an eternity being crawled on!”
“Because the scientists didn’t know.” continues the voice over.
Now they approach the massive robotic corpse of Satan himself. His glowing red robotic eyes glare down at them, his.. robot… muscles gleaming in the icy light.
“No one can save them but us!”
Dramatic cut to the duo climbing on robotic Satan’s ample behind, as he lets an impressive blast of wind. A final blast of images, various shots of explosions, rivers of blood. Beatrice, busty and sweating, making out with the various congregations of angels.
Cut to the title: Dante’s Inferno
Subtitle: They’ve got a snowball’s chance in hell.
Michael Bay’s “The Muppets” done entirely in CG.
Michael Bay presents: Buddy the Vampire Slayer
Buddy (Jonah Hill, “Superbad”) is your typical misunderstood high school teen, until one day he learns he is the chosen one. Accompanied by his cheerleader best friend Willow (Blake Lively, “Gossip Girl”,”Green Lantern”) and Watcher (Angelina Jolie “Wanted”, “Lara Croft”), Buddy has to find time to both slay the Master Vampire (Wesley Snipes, “Blade”) and try out for the football team.
Will Principal Dick (Will Smith at his wisecracking best) find out what’s going on in his school? Can Buddy trust Angel (former Victoria Secret Miranda Kerr) the sexy but secretive werewolf? Will Buddy discover that true strength comes from within or will a range of high powered automatic weapons be the key element in defeating the vampires?
A strange, alien visitor is sent to Earth by his parents…. to save him from hyis homeworld’s destruction. ON Earth, he’s adopted by a kindly couple who raise him as a paragon of virtue. With the powers granted him by his alien heritage he becomes a fighter for truth and justice…. he is: BATMAN!
In a world where earth is threatened by invaders from space
Only one man stands between destruction. He’s a stranger.
(We see a well built man step out of the shadows. This is Michael, played by Ryan Reynolds. He’s carrying a gigantic plasma weapon.)
(He fires the gun, causing all the cars on the street to blow up.)
A Stranger in a Strange Land.
(“Alright. I kind of skimmed this book, but here’s my take. Too much talking. Instead, Michael is a renegade martian rebel. We keep that name. It’s the same as mine, and that’ll make it easier to make him cool. His buddy is J-Dog Harshaw. I’m thinking Chris Rock, or some other black guy. They all talk cool. J-Dog is kind of like Scooby Doo or something. Kind of a Coward, but funny with the one liners. We’ll get Sasha Grey to play this Gillian chick. Better change her name. See, there’s this church. Fosterites. They’re really a front for the Martian invasion. Head preacher, can we get Nick Cage for this?, is really an evil Martian in disguise. Anyways, they blow up Washington. Wait. I did that city. Denver! They totally blow up Denver. Mountains get dropped on the city. Anyways, Michael finds out he’s an angel and shit at the end, and kills the preacher with a flaming sword that transforms into a gun!”)
The entire cast is made of Victoria’s secret models who have no acting experience, and are uniformly Caucasian. The outfits, while still small and fetish inducing are now not all school girl in nature, instead each has a nighty/slutty holloween costume look, with one being a nurse, one being a school girl, one being a cheerleader, etc. The Lesbian make out scenes are emphasized as a way of activating the sentai like transformations.
The central villain is a hermaphrodite with a legion of monstrous goons who all talk in ebonics and give on a both subtle and not subtle vibe of “Black guys coming for all the white women”.
In a twist, the main character is not any of the sailor scouts, but a horny teenage boy who is destined to assume the mantel of Tuxedo Mask, the legendary romantic hero foretold to save the planet of the Sailor scouts from ruination by the horde of space gang bangers. Turns out his confusing fetish of various slutty costume play in his favorite porno was him subconsciously wanting to save and bone the planet of the Sailor Scouts.
So he has reduced the scouts from lipstick feminist icons to sex trophies, the bad guys are now homophobic and race-phobic caricatures, and the male mysterious romantic side character has been made into a perverted everyman main protagonist (completely inverting the series).
Bippity, boppity, boo.
And now for the winners…
Welcome to a dystopian Los Angeles: the year is 2080 where the Takawashi
Corporation has manufactured Replicants: organic robots that look
identical to humans. Mexican humans. By intergalactic law, the
Replicants are shipped off-world to farm the moon, where all of the
Earth’s crops are now grown. But some Replicants have disobeyed the law
and hide amoung us. To hunt them down are an elite undercover force of
modern-day futuristic samurais.
Shia LaBeouf is Rick Deckard: The Blade Runner.
But when Deckard’s latest case takes him into the underbelly of Los
Angeles future noir, it will take all of his wits, as well as his
street-wise African American partner Gaff “Big Dogg” Jones, whose
undercover skills include pimpin’, dancin’ and drinkin’, to survive.
Because this time it’s no ordinary Replicant deserter. It traces to a
global conspricy involving the heads of the Takawashi Corporation, the
founders of the Blade Runner Organization and even the President. As he
races against time to capture Roy (Danny Trejo), Leon (George Lopez),
Zhora (Salma Hayek) and the beautiful (but due to a glitch in her
creation the expressionless) Pris (Kristen Stewart).
But when Rick falls for Pris, it’s a race against time to expose the
conspiricy and stop the Replicants. Having stolen the EyeDrive from Chew
Corp, Roy, Leon and Zhora combine to form a massive replicant killing
snake-like monster. In a huge battle in downtown Los Angeles, the
Staples Center 2000 explodes, tragically killing Gaff and mortally
wounding Rick when he dives over Pris. He lies dying, his last vision a
Unicorn Cologune billboard. His eyes close…
But surprise mother fucker! Rick is a Replicant himself! The flesh tears
from his arm to reveal a bad ass chain gun, transforming out of his
arm! Rick unloads with explosions and fury, lighting up LA in a firey
mass. As the smoke clears, Rick and Pris stumble off into the rubble…
their future uncertain, but a sequel assured…
Michael Bay’s: The Blade Runner
Coming in 2013.
Please note: The contest was not to be the entry that enraged the most people, but how Michael Bay would truly fuck over a beloved fan franchise in his own, inimitable way. I feel that Travis’s Blade Runner truly epitomizes Bay’s method of destroying original content through a fundamental misunderstanding of the story and characters, and his hyper-shallow entertainment preferences. Of all the entries, this was one I thought “If Michael Bay got his hands on Blade Runner, this is exactly how he would fuck it up.”
“OK, I need you to go with me on this one, OK? Just hear it out, it’s freakin’ awesome, I swear it. So it’s present day in, like, I don’t know, New York City, how about that? Yeah. So it’s New York City, and this plague or something has broken out. Still with me? Good. So it’s all plague everywhere, and these two smoking hot sisters, well, their mother is in the ICU in Manhattan. But they were out on Spring Break or something, there’ll be a bunch of scenes of them getting wasted and wet t-shirts and stuff down in Cancun or somewhere. So they’re OK, but they get called back because oh my god, mom’s got the plague! But Manhattan’s all quarantined, military’s blocking it off, right? So they can’t get in! What’re they gonna do? So they’re sitting in the park, and they’re crying, and then suddenly you hear this rumbling-growling thing and then it’s all GRAAAAHH!! This HUGE furry alien thing creeps out of the shadows! It’s all huge and grey and it’s got these TEETH, man!
So the babes are freaked out, right? But it doesn’t attack! The younger one, she reaches out and touches the beast, and it lets her! It wants to help! Because you find out later, it was a MUTATION of, like, one of the military scientists who developed the plague! Like it only affects certain people like that! So the beast brings them over to this giant tank, only it’s got fur all over it too, and legs. Yeah! Tank with like 8 legs! Oh god that’s awesome. They all get in, and they go charging in, crashing through the guards in this like TOTALLY epic 10 minute scene down the streets of Manhattan and through Times Square and shit! Yeah! The cat-tank-thing finally lets them out at the hospital before going off to wreak some havok, right? And the girls and the monster have to fight their way in, because… because… ok, so the monster has the CURE, and he’s been trying to get it to his old unit, that’s stationed at the hospital! You find out in flashbacks that he was part of that unit, and worked out the cure hiding in Central Park! So the girls finally get in to see their mom, right? And you see… mom is starting to grow fur! Like, HOLY SHIT, SHE’S GONNA BE LIKE THE BEAST! But they get the cure to her, and she’s OK!
We’ll work out how the beast is reunited with his old team or something, it’ll be awesome, they’ll help him get in or something when they figure it out. Like, secret handshake or something. Yeah, write that down.
OK, OK, so there’s some other story stuff, but we’ll work that out. It’ll be called…. *dramatic pause*… TOTORO.”
And Arachonophobe just wins. That is all.
And that, thank god, is that. Congrats to the winners, thanks to everyone who entered — now we need to all step back, take a deep breath, and just walk away and forget this contest ever happened. Deep, deep breaths.