Comics, Miscellaneous, Movies

Super Avengers Email Contest: And the Winners Are…


Thumbnail image for The-Avengers.jpg

Let me start off by saying thank you: first, to you guys for waiting so patiently for the Avengers Email contest results, and second of all to the awesome toy/collectibles deal site and the great nerd apparel site We Love Fine for sponsoring the contest. As you’ll recall, three winners will be getting three 8-inch Marvel Select Avengers action figures (Thor, Hulk and Captain America, specifically) as well as this prize-winning, fan-designed Avengers tee! Not too shabby, right?

But that’s not all! Because after the multitude of Avengers Email HMs and winners posted after the jump, I’m announcing the winners of this last weekend’s Arnold Schwarzenegger Shakes the Predator’s Hand caption contest. As I mentioned previously, I’m not doing Honorable Mentions for this contest, because I desperately needed to catch up — although if you’re interested you should totally check out everyone’s entries here, because they’re hilarious. 
Okay, you’ve got a shit-ton to read and I’ve got some serious prizes to give out. We’d best go ahead and get started, don’t you think?

Honorable Mentions, assemble!

Brando Lars:

To: The Avengers
From: Doctor Leonard Samson
Subject: The Hulk as a Team member
Just thought you should know that my psychological evaluation of the Hulk as a teammate reveals that you would be better off strapping a Rabid Chainsaw wielding Panther to a nuke and dropping him into battle when the occasion arises.
This is my professional recommendation

Unemployed in Greenland:

To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]


To: [email protected]
Re: Clothing budget
Mr Banner, our accounting office has found that your expenditures for white shirts and purple pants last quarter has exceeded $550,000. Either take the anger management seminar as ordered or you will find yourself without a job.
The Office Of Tony Stark
CEO Stark Industries


FROM: Nicholas Fury

TO: Donald Blake M.D., F.A.C.P

Thor, please stop sending me these. I am not interested.

On Fri, Jan 28, 2011 at 3:24 PM, Donald Blake, M.D., F.A.C.P

From: Henry Pym [mailto:[email protected]…]

Sent: Friday, January 28, 2011 12:27 AM



—– Original Message —–

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected] ; HLUKS[email protected] ;
[email protected] ; [email protected] ;
[email protected]

Sent: Wednesday, January 26, 2011 2:38 PM


—–Original Message—–

From: Castle, Frank

To: Banner, Bruce

Cc: Frost, Emma

Sent: Sun, Jan 23, 2011 6:19 pm


Attached Message

From: Tony Masters

Date: Sun, 29 Apr 2012 16:18:45 -0500

This has been around before, but how easily we forget !!!


Date: Saturday, January 22, 2011, 4:36 PM



[Message clipped] View entire message

Chris Besler:

To: Captain America, Hulk, Thor, Hawkeye, Nick Fury, and Agent Colson
From: Iron Man
Subject: Black Widow.

Tardis lego:

From: Furious_nick(at)
Subject: Code of conduct
Due to what happened at the last briefing, we believe it is in our best interest to inform you that the following actions are not acceptable:
1. drinking heavily before the briefing.
2. Bringing super models to the briefing. (Even if you did bring enough for everyone)
3. Beginning to flirt with female agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
4. Beginning to flirt with me.
5. Not wearing pants.


To: S.H.I.E.L.D
From: Howard Stark ([email protected])
Subject: The Tesseract
Further studies have shown that the Tesseract could yield the secret to the development of a new super-element which could provide near unlimited self sustainable energy. However the equipment to develop it does not yet exist, so I will hide the secret to it’s composition for my son to find in a random worlds fair model that I never make any reference to as being important and will require some form of futuristic, interactive holographic imaging system to decipher, which I’m pretty sure will have been invented by the time he’s 30… Now honest opinion, I’m not making this too complicated am I?
PS. I just invented the internet and electronic mail, Bitchin


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
As part of your benefits package, Metahuman Mental Health reminds you of the following support groups:
Monday: Imaginary Friends: Has a loved one or relationship been wiped from existence or revealed to never have existed in the first place? We help you remember, even if no one else does, and help you figure out if it’s just you or someone has changed the time/space continuum. Scrapbooking supplies provided.
Wednesday: I’ve Never Been To Me: Are you a shapeshifter, Skrull, robot, magician, or telepath? Do you feel more at home in someone else’s skin/mind? We can help you love yourself for the special person you are! Confidentiality guaranteed. (Note: You Are Unique, the support group for people replaced by shapeshifters, Skrulls, robots, magicians, or telepaths has been moved to alternate Thursdays)
Friday: Does This Universe Make Me Look Fat?: Do you feel inferior to one of your alternate yous? Do you have feelings for an alternate universe resident? Have you been in a relationship with an alternate loved one (and is it cheating?) or self? We help you sort through the confusion through journals and speculative fiction writing.


To: Captain America, Iron Man, Hawkeye, Vision, Thor, Winter Soldier, Mockingbird, Ant Man, The Thing, Rick Jones, etc.
From: Edwin Jarvis
There have been many complaints about the mansion security not recognizing registered Avengers personnel. PLEASE NOTE that the security system is programmed to delete access when a member has been declared legally dead. If you have died and come back to life you MUST register with a new username and password.
Thank you.


To: Avengers_Assembled(at)
From: Mr_Wasp(at)
Subject: Spam Email
Surely we’ve grown past this silly BS and you guys will STOP SIGNING ME UP FOR GROWTH ENHANCEMENT SPAM!!! This is the fourth email address I’ve had to register, now that Aunt_Man(at), Gi_Aunt_Man(at), and Yellow_Belly(at) are overrun with that garbage. Oh, and Jarvis, don’t think for a second that I believe that these email addresses are “randomly generated” and that you have “no control over what comes out.” I know I’m the first guy to request these names, no one else could possibly have had them before me!
Dr. Henry Pym


To: A.DeWynter @
From: Official_IronMan @
Subject: Wrong Avengers!
Sir Alexander,
Please note that we are the “American Superhero” Avengers, not the “British Spy” Avengers. Our email domain is, while theirs is It’s an understandable mistake- just please let it not happen again. As such, we will not be taking on your “weather machine” at this time- we have enough problems of our own to deal with.
Iron Man – Tony Stark


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: There will not be a third warning
Please be reminded that the team’s official battle cry is “Avengers
Assemble!”. Shouting “Winter is coming!” is not an acceptable substitute even
if your last name is Stark and you’re huge Game of Thrones fan.

The Lewd Ood:

To: Bruce Banner ([email protected]); Avengers
From: Tony Stark ([email protected])
Subject: Re: vnhjue]oqgr8evrq
Goddamn it, you moron. Please stop emailing us when you’re mad. You know we have no idea what your giant green fist-fingers are typing….

To: Avengers ([email protected])
From: Bruce Banner ([email protected])
Subject: vnhjue]oqgr8evrq

Dr. Bruce “The Incredible Hulk” Banner
“In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make”
-The Beatles
Sent from my iPad. Please excuse any typos.

Bracken Markins:

To: Loki ([email protected])
From: Hulk (GoGammaGo
Subject: Puny God

To: Hulk (GoGammaGo
From: Loki ([email protected])
Subject: RE: Puny God
Very funny thou giant green ape. I swear to Me. Once I am free of these shackles I shall have my revenge.

To: Loki ([email protected])
From: Hulk (GoGammaGo
Subject: RE: RE: Puny God

To: Hulk (GoGammaGo
From: Loki ([email protected])
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Puny God
I see your point. Please accept my most humble apologies.


To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: Get well soon
Unfortunately this weekend my lovable but clumsy wife has taken a spell down some stairs and into a doorknob, a few times. If you see her please give her your best as she is still recovering from her injuries, thanks


TO: All Current Avengers
FROM: Payroll and Accounting
SUBJECT: IRS Tax Filings
Once again the IRS has rejected , enmass, all of the IRS forms submitted by members of the team. While we are committed to following Mr. Stark’s instructions to handle your financial issues, we need all of you to assist us in a timely and honest manner. While we cannot discuss in an open email all the reasons for the rejected returns, we wish to bring to your attention some of the general reasons for the returns:
“Smash” is not an occupation.
Being in suspended animation for decades does not free you from actually filing back tax returns. We agree, you earned no income, but still…
Alcohol, in limited amounts, may be written off for entertainment costs. 100k + and calling it ‘rocket fuel’ is going to be a red flag in every case.
Writing off mileage is always acceptable. Writing off mileage when traveling on a ‘rainbow bridge’ that isn’t on any maps might not be.
Hand delivering your tax return at 11:59:59 PM on April 15th is never a good idea. Even less of a good idea when your idea of hand delivery is a nuclear tipped arrow.
Please call us as soon as possible to schedule appointments with our office.


To: [email protected]
From:[email protected]
Date: August 8th, 2004
Re: Nannying Position?
I appreciate your e-mail regarding any open nannying positions, but I am afraid you are mistaken. I do not have any children now and have never had any, although something about those names you mentioned, Thomas and William, does seem to ring a bell. I should look into this…

To:ScarletWeeotc[email protected]
From:[email protected]
Date:August 9th, 2004
Please forget I mentioned anything. Sorry to see on the news about Ant-Man, Jack of Hearts, She-Hulk, Iron Man, Hawkeye, and your ex-husband.

Alejandro Serrano:

From: Hulk
Subject: Drapes

Brian Walton:

To: starsandstripes @ SHIELD.GOV
From: [email protected] avengers .net
Subject: Delivery to the following recipient(s) failed permanently
Delivery to the following recipient(s) failed permanently:
jwasp @
purplearrow @
incredibleherc @
Technical details of permanent failure:
Your message “Avengers Assemble!” was rejected by the recipient domain. The error that the other server returned was 550 550-The requested command failed because the mailbox was unavailable.


To: JanetVanDyne(at)avengersdotcom
From: SteveRogers(at)aoldotcom
Subject: Wanda’s New Flame?
Hey Janet, have you heard about this new guy Wanda’s in love with? This Hermano character? Just thought I’d check, wouldn’t want to see her stuck with some jerk who’d bolt as soon as he got into her scarlet pants.


From: [email protected] Shield .com
To: SteveRogers123 @ hotmail .com
We talked about this. If it’s got “FW” in the subject more than twice, it’s not a real message. It’s a chain letter. And for chrissakes, stop clicking “Reply All.”


To: Joss Whedon
From: Tony Stark
Subject: Re: Best Wishes
Come near her again, I will drop you from 30000 feet
Original Message
To: Tony Stark
From: Joss Whedon
Subject: Best Wishes
Hey Tony-
Just wanted to thank you again for letting me film you guys over the last few weeks. And it was lovely meeting your dear Ms. Potts! You two seem destined to enjoy many years of uninterrupted love and happiness together. I wish you both nothing but the very best in the future.
Look forward to seeing you both again soon!


To: Avengers
From: Uatu – The Watcher (chromedome69 @thewatchers .net)
Subject : Major Earth Crisis!!! As you know, I watch everything and its against my sacred oath to not interfere with anything but I came across something that you guys might like to know about Thanos and what he’s planning on doing. It’s highly important that you watch this video I’m sending, the whole Earth is in grave danger. Remember, you are Earth and frankly the rest of the entire universe’s last line of defense on this. Everyone is counting on you to succeed and the only way that you will have the edge in battle is if you watch this link:…, I just want to tell you good luck and everyone is counting on you. Here’s some epic battle music to get you on your way:…
– Uatu
PS. Isn’t the internet wonderful? Greatest invention you humans have ever made PERIOD. Don’t be too mad. I love you guys


To: [email protected]
From [email protected]
Subject: Sensitivity Training
Colonel America it has come to my attention that you have
been harnessing the Black Widow. There are
several cases of racial and sexual insensitivites displayed by you over the
months. I wish to inform you that
Natasha is not a dirty pinko commie bastard who is out to screw over all decent
hardworking Americans nor does she enjoy vodka to the point of where she will raise
your flag, finally she is not a member of the KBG or as you so colourfully put
it “Killer boob Girls” Natasha is a valued member of the team and as such you
will treat her with respect. Her country of birth should have no effect on your
professional relationship. I might add
you were frozen during the Cold War so this behavior is unfounded and totally unacceptable so stop being a bitch.


To: Hells_souschefstarkmail .com

From: p.coulsonshield .us

Subject: Urgent Response Required


This is your sixth notice about oncoming S.H.I.E.L.D. training. As the prior five messages stated you must respond to this message in order to be briefed further. Frankly I don’t understand why you find it so hard to look at your e-mail.

Phil Coulson

Agent of Shield

Michael Weyer:

To: Tony Stark ([email protected]

From: Edwin Jarvis ([email protected]

Subject: My portrayal in your media

Dear sir,

While I am most happy you respected my wishes not to partake in the cinematic adaptation of your life, I am concerned over how you replaced me. I had thought you would simply create another butler character to fill in for my role as the major domo of your life. I must admit imagining Michael Caine in my role or, dare I dream, Sir Anthony Hopkins. Instead, you chose a computer with a bizarre acronym simply to spell my name out. I am not a man taken to letting my ego gain control over me but I still felt a twinge of annoyance that my many years of service both to your family and to the Avengers themselves were brushed aside for, if you’ll pardon my dropping into cinematic parlance, a poor man’s “HAL” voiced by Paul Bettany of all people? I do not wish to make things difficult but I nonetheless hope that the following sequel will have a true voice (and face) to represent the many years of hardships and challenges I have endured in my time serving these noble heroes. (I do not wish to sound ungrateful but are you aware of how much of the annual budget goes to handle the Hulk’s bathroom breaks alone?) Thank you for your attention to this matter, assuming you bother to check your e-mail in between your usual debauchary in Europe.

Sincerely yours,

Edwin Jarvis

Optional Edit:

To: S. Williams ([email protected])

From: E. Jarvis ([email protected])

Subject: Your usage of Avengers Mansions food stores.

Simon, simply because you call yourself Wonder Man, doesn’t give you exclusive rights to the Wonder Bread in the pantry. I have received a number of complain
ts from your teammates that your hoarding has denied them late night sandwiches.
Also, I have already informed Mr. Stark of my refusal to clean your room due to the mold growing on your “bread fort”.


Buy more green paint Bruce. Tony’s starting to catch on.


To: Msdanversmarvel

From: themofomarcus

Subject: Happy Mothers day

Too soon?…

Harley Beckett:

Seriously, I only just hear that you got the name back from DC once and for all, and you’re giving it to CAROL? WTF?

Enrique Cancel:

From: AvengeTower HR team.

SUBJECT: Rules and Guidelines

To all listed avengers, we are aware you are still in the early stages of “synergizing” your team but please do not forget that certain rules and standards of etiquette which have been established previously must still be observed. They are as follows:

1. Please do not have unapproved visitors after hour. This includes but is not limited to female reporters, victoria secret models and Maria Hill LMD’s.

2. No streaking. We don’t know who keeps leaving torn shirts and purple pants on work grounds but it is not acceptable.

3. Whoever is spending their break times in the archives room please desist from crying over old 1940’s newspaper cutouts.

4. Do not vandalize company property. We keep finding pens, pencils, coins and other miscellaneous objects which have been used as projectiles imbedded in the walls. Granted while they are all curiously in the same spot which alleviates our having to look for them, it still does not make our reparations any more enjoyable.

5. While most of the floors have been reinforced, most of our appliances have not. If your body mass exceeds a certain threshold, please refrain from leaning on the water cooler during break ours.

6. Again, this is a work environment, please be courteous of others and keeping your smashing to the assigned floors.

Bowties Are Cool:

To: The Vision

From: Ms. Marvel

Subject: Not a secret

I saw your junk sticking out of the wall last night. Stop watching me change in my room.


To: [email protected]

Subject: Your submission to join the Avengers Initiative

Greetings Howard, we are pleased to inform you that your submission to join the Avengers has been successful. We were especially impressed at your skilled demonstrations of Quack-fu and your impressive weight of over 4 stone and 3 ounces. Unfortunately at this point in time however the Avengers will not be recruiting new members but we would ask that you please come to the Avengers mansion 7 months from now on December 25th where you will be given the proper time and preparation to become a vital centerpiece of the Avengers ?d?i?n?n?e?r? Initiative. We look forward to your arrival and would suggest a rigorous calorie fuelled diet of corn, butter and sage stuffing to prepare yourself to be in peek physical condition for your training.

Delicious Regards,

The Avengers

To: avengers, All < ml-avengers @ avengers. org>
From: Pym, Hank < h.pym @ avengers. org>

Subject: help

something’s wrong with my pym particles. i’m stuck at .25 cms. i’m on the keyboard in the mansion’s library. please come find me. it’s taken me 5 days to type this.


To: Active Avengers

Subject: Update – “I died, now what?” HR Workshop

This is an update to let all Active Avengers know that the “I died, now what” HR workshop has been moved to the fireside room in Avengers Tower. As previously mentioned we will review the following topics:

-How to tell family members you are alive again

-How to reinstate previous credit cards, bank accounts and legal documents

-Understanding what magic, cosmic energy, gamma rays, energy distortion, etc brought you back to life (Note: this session does not include coming back to life due to deals with Mephisto, the Devil, The Watchers or other contract binding organizations, individuals or alien races. These topics will be covered in “Resurrection Contracts – How do I deal?” will be held tomorrow in the east room of Avengers Tower)

-Understanding the Jean Grey Effect (for Avengers who have died more than once)

Avengers HR

PS – Free Capsicles for all who attend!

Brian Fenske:

To: TheAvengers

From: Phil Coulson ([email protected] .com)

Subject: I’m OK guys

Nice work everyone. I’m on the mend. It got a little scary there for minute on the Helicarrier, but the doc said I should be on my feet in no time. This clinic Director Fury set me up in is really nice. I know you guys have probably just been too busy to come visit. That’s ok. If you don’t get a chance to swing by, I’ll see you all when I get out in 6-8 weeks.

Oh, but if one of you guys get’s a chance, I think my Captain American Trading Card set is still in my locker if you wouldn’t mind grabbing them for me.

Phil Coulson, Agent of SHIELD

To: Linda Carter([email protected] .org)

From: (address irretrievable)

Attachment: I’m OK guys.txt

Dr. Carter,

The attached email from our special patient was intercepted by our tech boys. I would appreciate if you would not allow him further access to outside communications until I’ve had a chance to debrief him. Keeping his current status confidential is of the utmost importance to the Avengers Initiative. Thank you for your service to our organization and your country.

Nicholas Fury, Director of SHIELD


To: Avengers Core List ([email protected], TStarkImIronManandyourenot .com, [email protected], [email protected], [email protected])

From: Hulk (OriginalHulk

Subject: MANNERS, people!

Hulk not happy. Hulk understand that many people coming together in big flying ship can cause some issues where space is concerned, however Hulk feel he is the only one with manners and now something must be said.

Kitchen room is full of dirty dishes and trash. Why is it you can defeat an entire alien army. but nobody take out trash? And fridge- don’t get Hulk started. Looks like someone growing new life form in the green Tupperware container in the crisper drawer. Hulk swear he saw it move. And if you make a mess in microwave, please clean up. Hulk had unfortunate luck of trying to heat up his Ravioli-O’s and whoever had used microwave before cooked food that smelled like the Watcher’s used jock strap. Hulk so mad, he smashed puny Microwave. (He pay for new one on payday)

And someone keep taking Hulk’s DVD’s without asking,t hen leave them out of the case – This damage precious DVD’s and Hulk forced to buy more. HULK WILL SMASH if he find out it was you. This third darn time Hulk need to buy “Tango and Cash” and he not happy. Hulk respect your property and he not smash or borrow it without asking. Please extend Hulk the same courtesy. Hulk also missing his copy of “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” – if seen, please give to Hulk.

Hulk don’t mean to be “Negative Nancy” but he grow tired of how living situation is not good. Hulk no want to live in Pig sty with inconsiderate team members.

Nicole NotGonnaSay:

To: Iron Man

From: Captain America

Subject: CATS

Tony, check out these funny cat images I found! They’re so cute and funny! 🙂






From: OnceAndFuture(at)

Sent: Friday, June 8th, 2012 5:25 PM

To: HeyHeyCap’nA(at)

Received: Saturday, May 5th, 2012 10:00 PM

Subject: Re: Re: Curse you, Captain America!

Fuck. I keep doing that.



From: HeyHeyCap’nA(at)

Sent: Saturday, May 5th, 2012 10:20 PM

To: OnceAndFuture(at)

Subject: Re: Curse you, Captain America!

Uh… dude? Check your dates. Oh, and thanks for the heads up.



From: OnceAndFuture(at)

Sent: Saturday, May 19th, 2012 3:45 PM

To: HeyHeyCap’nA(at)

Received: Saturday, May 5th, 2012 10:00 PM

Subject: Curse you, Captain America!

How did you do it? My plan was foolproof! It is impossible for your primitive mind to have realized that my true goal in attacking your city was to reclaim the sarcophagus containing my time-travel technology from your Metropolitan Museum. How could you know to destroy it?!


Mattgomery Scott:

Subject: What do you mean I can’t enter this contest?

Rob. Love your work, but what do you mean I’m not an Avenger? I am so totally an Avenger. I’m just like one of those Secret Avengers. You know hanging out with my Avenger buddies. Steve, the Russian babe, the Viking chick, er… blue fluffball… some other guys. We just chill out on the super secret Avengers flying base nobody is supposed to know about, shoot some pool (which I always win) and when we get time take down some villains. So get your facts straight Rob!

Yours truly,


P.S. So do I get a T-shirt?

Robbie Boland:

Subject: Regrettable Misinterpretation of British Colloquialism

Dear Mr. Hulk,

As you may or may not be aware given your current enraged viridian state, I am British by way of origin. Whilst this has very little bearing on the day-to-day activities (Skrull invasions, table tennis championships, what have you), it does upon occasion result in misunderstandings arising from the cultural and linguistic differences between America and the British Isles.

For instance, when *I* suggest that a film night would be a “Smashing” idea, I am employing a British colloquialism that means, “very good”, as opposed to, “Let us now destroy the Rumpus Room and throw Mr. Stark’s 127″ LED Screen into outer space”.
I trust this will help avoid future incidents of a similar nature.

Kind Regards,

Edwin Jarvis.

Ben Cohen:

To: Stark_T63avengers .org

From: HRshield .gov

Subject: Final Warning

Mr. Stark,

We have discussed with you several times that you are no longer to refer to USAgent, War Machine, Red Hulk and Thunderstrike as “The Moopets”. They are concerned that their contributions to the team are not appreciated. We had hoped the sensitivity trainings you were instructed to attend with Dr. Samson would help, but we were recently made aware that you sent a series of messages over Twitter insinuating that these four had been dispatched by Batroc the Leaper, and that “only the Great Lakes Avengers could save us now”. If this continues, we will have to suspend your activities with the Avengers.

Furthermore, please refrain from acknowledging the existence of the Great Lakes Avengers.

Best regards,

S.H.I.E.L.D. Human Resources Division


To: Iron Man, Captain America, Hulk, Thor, Hawkeye, & Black Widow

From: Nick Fury

Subject: Fumigating Fatalities

First and for most I would like to send my confluences to the friends and family of Ant-man & Wasp. Little did I know that having the house fumigated would have such dire consequences. Mistakes were made, but no point playing the blaming game.

In the future we will not allow any insect inspired heroes into the Avengers. Sorry Spiderman.


To: [email protected]

From: [email protected] hotmail .com
Subject: Knock it off


Quit sending male prostitutes to my room dressed as Bucky.


TrapJaw’s Ghost:

To: Wasp(at)

From: BlackPanther(at)

Subject: RE: Can You Translate This?


There is no record in the databases of the Wakanda Ministry of Information of regarding a “Nyan” language, so a translation is impossible, I’m afraid.


King T’Challa

Ruler of Wakanda


To: Wasp(at)

From: HellCata(at)

Subject: RE: Can You Translate This?


This is too cute! I’m totally sending this to Angelica, Monica, and Felicia!



To: Wasp(at)

From: NotThatTigra(at)

Subject: RE: Can You Translate This?


For the last fucking time, Nyancat isn’t a dialect of the Cat People language–it’s made up internet bullshit, so stop asking me about!



And no, I won’t sing this or yell “Thundercats Hooooo” at this week’s Threat Assesment meeting. Cap’s already mad enough at me already for not adhering to the dress code.


To: Wasp(at)

From: ThePrinceOfAsgard(at)

Subject: RE: Can You Translate This?

Where didst thou find Jan, this vision, fair Wasp?!? Long have my people sought the fabled beast from whose spoor the mystic Bifrost Bridge was formed! I shall summon the Warriors Three and together we shall quest to find and capture this Nyan Cat!

Thor Odinson

Post Script

Truly the Odinson dost owe thee a debt of gratitude for thine suggestion of the Suave extra-hold hair spray. Never has the Son of Asgard golden locks looked so lustrous and princely after a hard-fought battle.


Subject: my son’s location.

Greetings brave heros of Midgard! It seems my son has gone missing. Can you please help me contact local schools to put halt to any dissection classes and search any local ponds?


Ruler of the Asgardians


From: OneEyedWonderSnake

To: General Assembly

RE: Eyepatch

To whomever stole my eyepatch, I want to thank you for returning it promptly and without hiding any spy technology inside it. I also want to thank you for taking the time to launder it before you returned it, because I like it when my face smells nice.


From: CapFan1

To: General Assembly

RE: Glass Sticker Toy

To whoever put up the large, man-sized Garfield doll with the “I Hate Mondays” t-shirt and the big suction cups on his hands and feet in the main window of the control bay, you have one hour to remove it before it is removed and discarded.

~Phil Coulson

From: CapFan1

To: General Assembly


Be on the look out for one Wade Wilson, trained mercinary who has infiltrated our base. He was last seen running through storage room five, wearing an “I Hate Mondays” t-shirt and furry orange pants.

~Phil Coulson

From: SexualSteel

To: GrumpyTightPants

Swear to God I thought Pepper had bought me a weird European thong to wear. So she comes in, I’m modeling the thing like Namor, and she just goes, “what IS that?” So long story short, I washed the thing and snuck it back into Fury’s quarters as fast as I could.
~Washing His Junk Furiously, Tony.

And now for the winners, who will receive Marvel Select’s awesome Thor, Hulk and Captain America movie figures from the awesome Groupon for action figures and collectibles site, and We Love Fine‘s grand prize-winning Avengers tee!


To: Avengers Assemble

From: [email protected] .net

Subject: You know what we need?

You know what we need? A dude who can talk to ants.

To: Avengers Assemble

From: [email protected] .gov

Subject: Re: You know what we need?

Agreed. Talking to ants is totally essential

To: Avengers Assemble

From: [email protected] .com

Subject: Re: re: You know what we need?

Yes! At last it’s time for me to shine!

To: Avengers Assemble

Subject: Re:re:re: You know what we need?


To: Avengers Assemble

Subject: Re: re: You know what we need?

You guys are dicks

Joshua Daniel: 
From: Tony Stark via [email protected]
Subject: Invitation to Join a Group on LinkedIn
Tony Stark wants to add you to the group, “The Avengers” on LinkedIn
I’d like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn.

From: Steve Rogers via [email protected]
Subject: Invitation to Join a Group on LinkedIn Steve Rogers wants to add you to the group, “Secr
et Avengers” on LinkedIn
I’d like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn.

From: Luke Cage via [email protected]
Subject: Invitation to Join a Group on LinkedIn
Luke Cage wants to add you to the group, “The New Avengers” on LinkedIn
I’d like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn.

Subject: LinkedIn Network updates
You have 73 new unread invitations pending your response on LinkedIn. Join the conversation!


To: Director Fury

From: Agent Coulson

Subject: Vacation time.

Don’t forget sir, I have the week off after we find the Tessarect. I have a special vacation planned with my lady friend.
And that is that! Congrats to the winners, and thanks to everyone who entered — and special thanks to and We Love Fine for sponsoring this great prize package. If you want great deals on action figures and collectibles, or awesome nerd shirts, please check them both out and tell ’em Topless Robot sent you.

But that’s not all! Here are your winners from this past weekend’s Ahnuld/Predator pic caption contest:

Luke B:

Dateline NBC presents: To Catch a Predator, With Arnold Schwarzenegger.

James Johnston:





And that, good sirs and ladies, is that. Please stop by this weekend’s contest, when things should be back to normal. Relatively speaking, of course.

About Author

Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.