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Little-Known Alien Facts: And the Winners Are…


alien books.jpg

Man, I don’t know what was better — the entries in this weekend’s contest, or the replies to the entries in this weekend’s contest. Obviously, I’ve compiled the best “little-known Alien facts” after the jump in the Honorable Mentions, but for the full experience and to learn exactly how hilarious Topless Robot readers are, I highly recommend you just read the comments to the contest post. Thanks to Titan Books for supplies copies of The Book of Alien and Aliens – Colonial Marines Technical Manual to the winners! Now, facehug your favorite sentient being and chestburst past the jump.


In space, no one can hear you mention honor either.


DoktorMiguel:

Facehuggers original name were the Face Rapers but were sued by a British punk band from the 70’s by the same name for copyright infringement.
If you tickle a xenomorph, the resulting noise can be heard in space.


Jedisilk:

Xenomorphs love to be cuddled. They are very confused by the resulting screams of agony.
The Aliens’ acid was also used to stop Iran’s Nuclear Program.
They are really good at Irish Step Dancing.


VindicaSean:

If a facehugger were to latch onto and impregnate a fully grown xenomorph, the resulting hatchling would, in alternating fashion, be either Michigan J. Frog or John Hurt.
Xenomorph blood can cure cancer if ingested. Technically speaking.


TheMidnightStroker:

The Xenomorph if fed after midnight GMT (Galactic mean Time) will revert to a small furry pet.
There is one in your closet right now.


Curtis Hart:

While the Xenomorphs are known for their hard, outer shell, inside they have a soft, creamy nougat.


Brando Lars:

The xenomorphs tried to impregnate the Doctor once, then Rory Williams showed up and they surrendered right away.


Someguy:

Alien eggs are full of tequila. That’s why facehuggers are not too picky on whose face they land on.
The Alien’s blood is acid, they want to kill everything they see, their eggs hatch in your stomach and yet people are happier to have them at a picnic then Jar-Jar.


Chyromaniac:

In a weird twist of fate, the Xenomorph word for their own species is “Alien.”


SlyDante:

Little known fact: The whole Alien vs. Predator feud was ignited due to the Predator’s three-lighted targeting symbol actually translating to a symbol for an ethnic slur in Xenomorph culture. Roughly translated, it comes out to something like “Xenepeen”, which they will NOTtolerate, believe me. Alas, the Predators refused to change that symbol because they said it was part of their culture, & thus we have several sweet games & two crappy movies.


Wedgie Antilles:

In America, Xenomorphs are known as “undocumented workers”.


Longbowhunter:

The television series MAD ABOUT YOU is actually an in-continuity prequel to the movie ALIENS. The final episode was supposed to reveal that Paul Reisers annoying whining 90’s douchebag character had,in fact, all along been a Weyland Yutani experimental artificial life form. The final scene was supposed to end with a face-hugger bursting from the chest of Helen Hunts character,until network execs got cold feet and cancelled it at the last minute.


Gareth Williams:

The original Alien has created music for several major stage shows under the pseudonym of Andrew Lloyd Webber.


Kegs:

The Space Jockey was quite distraught when his space horse was decapitated. Space Godfather hopes a certain space-you-know-who gets the message.
Above all, Paul Riser joined Weyland Yutani to get away from Greg Evigan.


Matt Wells:

The Predalien was the source of a landmark case in Intergalactic Law for Intersepcies Parental Visitation rights. The resulting court case was later dramitised into the award winning data-stream “Alien Vs. Kramer” (the Predator’s name was Kramer).


Vatea42:

The Alien Queen was originally planning to publicly lobby for the role of Catwoman in “Batman Returns” but Sean Young beat her to it.


Remy Zane:

At one point, the xenomorphs turned to Chris Hansen to help catch the Predator.


Arivalscientist:

The Xenomorph was originally envisioned to be a teem of 5 teenagers that transformed into powerful costumed aliens to fight injustice. They were called……you guessed it………The Xenomorphin Power Rangers.


Azuljester:

Facehuggers enjoy long moonlight walks on the beach, a nice glass of vintage wine, and will most definetly put out on the first date.


Geekandwife:

In the original script the Xenomorph shot first, but
Ridley Scott felt that this was not true to the character so he had it edited to show the marines shooting first.


Adam Tupper:

Xenomorph queens go through a 20-minute spell of post-partem depression after each egg exits the birthing canal. Usually it consists of constant sighing and a cell-phone call to at least three warriors to see how they’re doing.


Zachary Miller:

Queens can duplicate the movements of any other alien in the colony, except Knights.


DoctorSmashy:

Alien vs Predator was originally James Cameron’s idea. He believed that combining these two popular movies into one titanic “supermovie” would finally make him the King of the World, only for his idea to sink like some great sinking thing of some kind, perhaps a train or something, only, like, in the water. He would go on to incorporate elements of his real life struggle into his next mess, Avatar.

The Alien is in fact a simple Earth monkey who stowed away aboard the Nostromo and encountered many hilarious mishaps along the way, including being covered in tar and getting a bunch of the ship’s pipes and wires stuck to him as he bumbled his way through space, giving him the appearance of some kind of beastly alien, when in fact he was nothing but a curious monkey! He also got his head wedged in a large inflatable sausage and briefly caught space flu, causing his voice to sound like he’s always about to murder you, and also acid blood somehow. The chestburster did belong to a different, far more deadly species of monstrous extraterrestrial, but the monkey flicked it in the nose after it turned down his offer of a banana, and it went somewhere else, thoroughly peeved. The monkey then stumbled into a room containing a gratuitously skimpy Sigourney Weaver, who promptly beat it up and sent it hurling into the nearest sun for no reason. Oh, what a silly monkey!

William Shatner describes the Alien as his “Fourth greatest sexual conquest lacking actual genitals”


brother perfidious:

– H. R. Geiger came up with the designs of Xenomorphs after wrapping his penis in black licorice, quoting “It bursteds through a chest like making the sex panda with sadness.”
– There exists an unsolicited score written by Electric Light Orchestra.
– Instead of hissing, Xenomorphs originally sounded like Ray Romano yawning.


ElGringoBandito:

To come up with the design for the xenomorph, H.R. Giger ate 40 acid-laced cakes. That’s as many as four tens. And that’s terrible.


Clockwork_Smurf:

If you start singing “Hello My Darling” in front of an alien, they will fight you immediately. Don’t even mention Mel Brooks. It’s game over, man, game over. They have no sense of humor.


Justus Hepburn:

One out of every thousand Xenomorphs has delicious root beer for blood rather than acid.


RyanLevin:

In an early draft of the Alien screenplay, spores erupted from Kane during labor, infecting the crew. Not only did the Nostromo crew have to deal with a killer xeno loose aboard the ship, they also unexpectedly grew penises. The alien spore grew penises on the women (balls too), and smaller penises grew from the sides of the mens penises. This made things somewhat uncomfortable for the crew(especially after Ripley grew a second penis on her first penis that was much bigger than Dallas’ second penis), but my movies end, the crew found new respect for one another and made peace with the alien by leaving some milk out for it. Turned out he (his name was Tim) was just hungry and cold.


Q(werty):

Contrary to popular belief, the aliens will actually fuck each other over for a goddamn percentage.


Tales of the Boojum:

They mostly come out at night. In daylight, they… sparkle. Please do enjoy imagining the FFF based on this concept.


Dr.Jamez:

When the xenomorph went on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson to promote “Aliens,” he made a bit of a faux pas when he referred to his co-star as Bill Pullman.


Erik:

in order to save on production costs lance henriksen was actually cut in half on the set of aliens it took them 8 days to put him back together the 7th and 8th days were spent looking for one of his kidneys which was cared off by a stray dog that had wandered onto the set.


Jim Meyer:

Disturbed by what he considered corporate indifference and a callous disregard for human life, the Xenomorph wrote “Unsafe At Any Speed,” an expose on the Chevy Corvair which would lead to a major overhaul of safety regulations in the automobile industry. While the Xenomorph’s pioneering work as a corporate watchdog surely saved hundreds, if not thousands of lives, many consider the death of the mid-engined wonder car the creature’s first and greatest act of evil. (As a side note, the Xenomorph would later parlay its corporate crusading past into a nomination as the Green Party’s 2004 presidential candidate, a candidacy that many believe canibalized the liberal vote costing Al Gore the election. Stupid Xenomorph)

Inspired by the Xenomorph’s pro-legalization 1970 campaign for governor of California, John Lennon penned the Beetle’s classic, “Come Together.” The Xenomorph was ultimately defeated by Ronald Reagan, but not before the alien gubernatorial aspirant backed up the Lads From Liverpool on tambourine in a Montreal motel room for the live recording of the seminal hit.

In 1984, the Xenomorph invented chicken and the skort. Good year for the Xenomorph.


MagickChicken:

The original alien designer of the xenomorph intended only one set of jaws, but through a reliance on unqualified interns and their misunderstanding of the metric system, the second, much smaller set was accidentally added.


Hungry Donner:

Often considered phallic, the xenomorph design was technically based on a vibrator with leaky batteries. Giger figured if he were scarred for life, it was only fair that everyone else be too.


TheRam:

Every time a xenomorph dies, a predator gets his wings.


Friginator:

Newt was surprisingly gamey.


Jonno Phillips: 

 Xenomorphs are actually the larval form of Kardashians.

5318008:
A young Sarah Jessica Parker was originally cast to wear the xenomorph suit in “Alien,” but was let go when they realized that the alien-skull prosthetic wouldn’t fit over her head.

Kyle R:
They’re all untrustworthy bastards who will steal your TV and sell if for meth.

Matthew Manard:
Little known fact: To prove their xenomorphy worth, they’ll overthrow the Earth.

Mittens:
Just like how the indigenous Sami people of Sapmi have over 300 words for snow, the Xenomorphs have over 300 words for “bursting out of the chest of another being.”

Dave Harris:
The xenomorph have evolved without eyes and ears as a defence against FFF, humanity’s most terrible weapon.

Gene Hoyle:
Little known fact-Mothers day is just fucked up on the Alien homeworld.

Rpjm:
The Predators and Aliens are actually close friends in real life, but are currently not on speaking terms, because the Predators said no when asked to do “Aliens v. Predators v. Freddy v. Jason v. Ash,” effectively killing the project, and the Aliens were really looking forward to working with Bruce Campbell.

AgentCoop:
ALF roomed with a xenomorph when he was at school. They shared many hilarious adventures due to their mismatched personalities.

Man_Of_Vertue:
The Alien cannot tie its own shoe laces and required a helper on set to assist with this task.

MuscaDomestica
:
There are many comic book alien crossovers but the least well known was Alien vs X-Men where at no point did the X-Men ever realize they were not fighting the Brood.

Smokeymctrees
:
Xenomorph relationship status on Facebook:
Egg: “Single”
Facehugger: “In a relationship”
Chestburster: “It’s complicated”
Adult: “Single (Friends with benefits)”

TheProperVillain
:
A sick alien is called an ailien
A drunk alien is called an alelien
A 9 disc box set of alien DVDs that once cost 145 dollars can now be purchased for about 14.99.

CarnivorousBee:
xenomorphs, like snowflakes, are all exactly the same

Misterclock_nv:
When the xenomorph was young, it agreed to pose nude for artist H.R. Giger (and has regretted that decision ever since).
And now for the winners, who will be receiving the aforementioned two Alien books and a brand-new TR shirt!

Greg Easton Photo: 

1. Chestbursters that are born on American soil are, by law, citizens and are afforded all rights and privileges as such.
2. Carol Channing’s blood is corrosive to xenomorphs.
3. Xenomorphs don’t really enjoy killing. They’re just trying to find the golden tickets in our heads.
God help me, if I ever decide to become a mass murderer, when I’m in court being tied for my crimes I will tell the jury “I was just trying to find the golden tickets in our heads.” I figure I’ll have at least a 25% of getting off.

JKW3000: 

In Indonesia, the title for the original Alien translates to “Face Sex Make You Indigestion.” Still an improvement over the sequel, “Big Black Penis Head Fight Unmarried White Lady Space Party.”
Alien was actually supposed to be the prequel to E.T., even if Ridley Scott won’t admit to it. It at least takes place in the same universe, where aliens violate people with random appendages.
I still can’t read either of these “titles” without laughing. Of course, I stop laughing whenever E.T. is mentioned, but I find JKW3000’s reasoning in his second entry fundamentally sound. 
Now, normally I don’t elect a winner of the winners, because I can seldom rank entries of a certain quality. But in this weekend’s contest there is truly a best of the best and we lvoe it:


mythbri:

Sadly, Xenomorphs never get ice cream. Because no one can hear you scream.
I was all prepared to deny Mythbri a TR shirt, as she contributes to Topless Robot as Bri Buckley, but frankly, her entry is just too damned brilliant to deny, and I think most of you agreed. When Bill Paxton read her entry, he issued this response. So Mythbri wins. 

So that’s that! Congrats to the winners, and thanks to everyone who entered, and of course thanks to Titan for sponsoring the contest. If you didn’t win, make sure to take a gander at The Book of Alien and Aliens – Colonial Marines Technical Manual on Amazon and think about picking them up, eh?