If indifference has a name, it must be Indiana Jones!
I write that because this contest only had a paltry 221 entries — which means either that you were all busy living your lives over the weekend or you just don’t give one shit about the Indy franchise’s future prospects. Of course I can take some responsibility here too and say that maybe it just wasn’t the greatest idea for a contest in the first place, but where’s the fun in that?
For whatever the reason, this competition didn’t exactly set the comments section on fire. On the plus side, the small amount of entries made the judging way easy for me, so MWAHAHA. Seriously though, instead of being bummed by the lack of submissions I’ll just put this whole mess behind me and look somewhat optimistically towards the future. (Which, coincidentally enough, is the same attitude most viewers of Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull had when they left the theaters). So I guess it all comes full circle!
Your honorable mentions and winners are after the jump. Let’s just keep the fridge-nuking jokes to a minimum, shall we?
It should not happen after the horrible Crystal Skull affair.
Should: Indy in Cold-War era USSR searching for the Heart of Rasputin, a talisman that can grant immortality while facing his own mortality along the way
Lucas will allow: After Indy’s disappearance, it is up to Short Round to go on a world-hopping adventure searching for a time travel device in Atlantis to go back to the day Indy disappeared only to find that Indy has moved happily on with a different breed of alien than those from Crystal Skull.
Indiana Jones And The Last Cash In. Set in 1969, a decrepit Indy and his hippie son Mutt escape from Altamont after causing a fight with the Hells Angels. They drive into the desert and encounter Charles Manson and his family. They worship a cursed copy of the Beatles’ White Album which tells them to kill people. Indy and Mutt have to destroy it before Manson can start ‘Helter Skelter’.
What will happen: Something other than what any of us think should happen.
What should happen: Indiana Jones and the Vessel of Flames. Just hear me
out. Legend tells of a large ship that existed during roman times. It
was said to have been completely engulfed in flames and bearing no
passengers, and was only seen three times. A group of assassins attempt
to find Indiana Jones, believing he knows the location of the ship.
SHOULD: Mutt Williams discovers a secret race of shape-changing alien robots that have been infiltrating our planet for thousands of years.One of them is voiced by Peter Cullen.
WILL:Mutt Williams discovers a secret race of shape-changing alien robots that have been infiltrating our planet for thousands of years. One of them is voiced by Peter Cullen. The movie is directed by Michael Bay.
What Will Happen: Indiana Jones and Going To The Well Too Many Times. Fill in your own generic plot. The title is the script.
What Should Happen: Indy races Rommel in a bit of a revisionist history to track down some kind of mystical African MacGuffin.
What Will Happen: Indiana Jones and the Fountain of Youth. Old Man Jones is settling into a retirement home in Florida. While hiding in a closet, in an attempt to catch the nurse stealing from him, he finds a mysterious map with the signature of Ponce De Leon. Indy wanders the grounds of the retirement community in search of the legendary fountain of youth hoping to recapture his glory days by drinking its rejuvenating waters. Along the way he overcomes several obstacles including a flight of stairs, a noisy dog, and some skateboard punks. As he is about the drink from the fountain it is revealed that its all been a tapioca induced stupor.
What Should Happen: Indiana Jones and the Lost Truth. Indy has been married for several years now and has stopped going on adventures.One of his favorite students send him a package with a note and a sapphire jewel in the shape of an eye. He is then kidnapped by a group of agents who want him to make the eye work, then he his kidnapped again by another group and thus begins these two groups battling over the eye and Indy while Indy tries to get away. They end up at Stonehenge and Indy gets the eye placed in his eye allowing him to see the truth of Stonehenge cue epic battle as Indy makes a bid for freedom. Stonehenge swallows the groups and Indy tosses the eye in with them. The last scene is him sitting in a museum with and eye patch which was the starting point for The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles.
What Will Happen: Indy and Mutt get sucked into an time vortex that takes them back in time to WWII where Where Indy, Indy, and Mutt fight Nazis.
What Should Happen: Indiana Jones and the Library of Alexandria. With his son on death’s doorstep, Indy is put on the trail of a stash of the world’s long-forgotten knowledge, believed to have been destroyed by Julius Caesar, but was instead stolen by Plutarch in an effort to keep Caesar from it’s secrets, which could contain the secrets to immortality. Indy must choose between between his own desire to keep his son alive and the risk of unleashing immortality on the world in the hands of evil men.
What Will Happen: Indiana saves JFK from an assassination attempt from a Russian Witch Doctor who still manages to steal JFK’s magical “can’t get shot while driving in Texas” medallion. Dejected, Indy questions multiple times if he is, indeed, “too old for this shit.” Him and Mutt then pilot a rocket-jet ski to Brazil to fight giant moles, a shark-a-conda and watch the, coincidentally, same Russian Witch Doctor die, overwhelmed by the magical Mayan Calendar.
What Will Happen: Harrison Ford will drop out. Spielberg, realizing no one wants Mutt the Beef as Indy v.2 instead has Mutt time travel to meet a younger version of his dad (Lucas casts Channing Tatum) with the help of a magical Mayan calendar. The two of them visit archaeological wonders (the Pyramids, Stonehenge, the Great Wall) as they are being constructed in order to alter the past so that the world doesn’t blow up in 201X (whenever the movie comes out). How or why this works is never really explained. They are pursued through time by Alien Communist Nazis led by the wily Ivana Muffensausenkriegen, who creepily comes on to both Joneses at the same time.
What Will Happen: Raiders of the Lost Ark: The Special Edition. Rather than continue on with new adventures, the next film released is George Lucas’s re-imagined, re-edited version of the original. Thrill to thousands more digitally created snakes being added. Watch as faces melt even more realistically. Be amazed as the swordsman shoots first. And rocks, so many more rocks! Be ready for George Lucas to arrive personally at your house to erase all your previous copies of the film.
I don’t know, but I guarantee it will be marketed as: “INDIANA JONE5.”
SHOULD: Indiana Jones, Rick O’Connell, Alan Grant, Nicholas Cage, and Lara Croft all team up to investigate an army of dinosaur mummies that are trying to take over the United States. Following clues left by president Monroe (or Mumroe as he was known in Egypt) and fighting hundreds of dinosaurs along the way the group races against the clock to stop an ancient German cult from resurrecting Otto von Bismarck as a T-Rex.
WILL: A movie without dinosaurs.
What Should Happen: Indy goes in search of Atlantis: the last great mystery. Enlisting the help of Jacques Cousteau, 80 year old Indy dons his hat to beat to it the last bunch of Nazis who want to jump start the Fourth Reich In the end, we find the Atlanteans were proto-humans, who were masters of time and space. Dr. Jones needs to sacrifice himself to save Atlantis and shut down a dimensional portal, and all that is left is Jones’ hat. But is he really gone?
What Should Happen: Indiana Jones and the Hammer of Thor.
What Will Happen: Indiana Jones and the Wood of Stock.
What Should Happen: Mysterious assassins wielding strange toxins attack Dr. Jones at a lecture. Barely avoiding death, Indy realizes that he is being targeted by an arcane religious order. They erroneously think he knows the resting place of Excalibur, and want him to take that secret to his grave. Adventure spans from Niagara Falls to Darkest Africa as Indy faces his own mortality on the search for this last relic.
What Will Happen: Mutt Williams wrestles a bear, and get trapped in a barrel.
What Should Happen: When rumors circulate of a monster thriving within an old, abandoned castle, Jones sets off to investigate. There, he discovers a woman named Mary Shelley, who seems to know far more than she lets on, and the strange texts of an old scientist, who writes of his endeavors to create a humanoid creature. Will Indy be able to solve this English mystery while also coming to terms with life, nature, and death?
What should happen: Indiana Jones heads to ____ (doesn’t matter) in pursuit of the ____ (doesn’t matter). There he befriends a strange people, the ____ (doesn’t matter) and decides to help them. Behind the twisted plot are Nazis (this matters).
What should happen: Mutt’s horrific and disgusting murder prompts Indy to conduct an investigation that will lead him into a world of international intrigue, horror and a centuries old conspiracy.
Indiana Jones fights ET and wins.
What will happen: The story of Indy passing the whip onto Mutt. This will be a great
moment as shortly after getting the whip, Mutt will strike himself in the dick ensuring he will never reproduce, and give the true fans a great final memory of Shia withering in pain and agony.
What Should Happen: Indiana Jones wakes up in a desert tent, surrounded by his father, Marcus Brody, and Sallah.
Sallah: Indy, you were struck with severe heat stroke as we rode into the sunset, after losing the Holy Grail!
Indy: So I don’t have a son, and I didn’t survive a nuclear blast by hiding in a refrigerator….
Marcus: It was a fever terror Indy, simply a fever terror…
What should happen: A good movie
What will happen: A bad movie.
And your winners:
What SHOULD Happen: they make a CGI animated adaptation of Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis, screenplay by Edgar Wright and Steven Moffat, directed by Brad Bird and Gennedy Tartakovsky, made by Pixar. Fortune and glory kids, fortune and glory…
Hell and yes. Can I get my ticket for this now?
First scene has Mutt getting riddled with bullets. The rest of the movie should have Indy solving the mysteries of Stonehenge or something.
I think we can all agree that a Mutt-less fifth Indy picture is the way to go.
Anyways, thanks to everyone for entering and congratulations to the winners.