Cockmasters! The ’80s Action Figure Line That Never Existed (or Did It?)


The satire may be lost on kids who don’t remember the ’80s, but literally, the way toy lines worked back then was that somebody would think up a gimmick – aliens riding dinosaurs, things that change color, skeletons that turn into vehicles, etc. – and then a usually feeble attempt to wrap a storyline around it to form a barely animated show would ensue.

A line of hero and villain figures with guns popping out of their crotch isn’t just feasible; there was one that actually kinda-sorta happened. Yep, lest you thought this was a stretch, Toy Biz actually made a Punisher figure with a crotch rocket…who also transformed into a gun that fired out his ass. Let’s see Disney turn THAT into a movie.

Meanwhile, yeah…fun fake commercial.