Fast Food Review: Little Caesars Pretzel Crust Pepperoni Pizza

Pretzel: 1. a crisp, dry biscuit, usually in the form of a knot or stick, salted on the outside.

2. a larger version of this, made of soft, chewy bread dough.

In other words, terms like “pretzel bun” and “pretzel crust” are utterly meaningless. It’s just that “browned and salted” doesn’t have the same hook. And in some cases, it’s not even browned.

But let’s back up…

Little Caesars really used to be just the worst, didn’t they? With the plastic cheese that smelled like stale vomit, always wafting in from the back of the godforsaken Kmarts they were usually part of. But in the last few years, thanks to the gimmick of “Hot and Ready” (which is almost never entirely true, especially if you want one that actually has vegetable toppings), the low price and an improved taste – not to mention my wife’s insistence on eating them a lot – I’ve grown to appreciate appreciate the pizza pizza. So when they gave me a coupon to try the new pretzel crust pizza, supposedly made with a buttery pretzel bread and a new cheddar sauce instead of marinara, I was game.

And even though I got it free, I feel ripped off. This is honestly the shadiest con-job of a new menu item I’ve seen in a long time.

The crust wasn’t buttery, which is fine – I don’t like butter much anyway. What I think they mean is they put just enough butter-like stuff to brown it a bit, so that from a distance, the eye can’t tell where cheese ends and bread begins. Also, if you call the bread a pretzel, it makes it sound like the bread is something people will want more of, instead of a cheese and tomato delivery device.

Pizza Hut right now is stuffing their crusts with bacon bits and cheese. Little Caesars – well, I’ve added arrows to demonstrate just how much is crust with no topping.

By the way, it tastes just like regular goddamn pizza dough. The only thing that makes it a pretzel is the extra salt crystals. Now, my wife loves salt. She puts salt on everything. I think it’s because she comes from the desert and you have to keep replenishing your body’s salt content there. She would also eat pizza every day if she could. And even she said this pizza sucks.

The cheddar sauce is barely there, but it’s okay. There needs to be a lot more – which is true of every non-bread ingredient herein.

This whole product is a scam to let them put less stuff on top and charge more. Don’t fall for it.