Top-Down Smackdown: Royal Rumble Picks, for Better and Worse

Dear Mattel: Toys of this, please.

I don’t have much to say about the WWE Immortals fighting game yet, as I haven’t played it. But I’d buy those figures in a heartbeat.

It’s time now to pick winners for the Royal Rumble event, and I’m going to do this two ways:

-The prediction that should happen, considering what would make the most sense in a given storyline;

-…and the prediction that should not happen, but probably will, given how out of touch the writers seem to be. Ready? Let’s go…

Tag Team Title Match: Miz and Damien Mizdow vs. The Usos

At some point, the endgame has to be separating Miz and Mizdow. The only question is when this happens, and I give credit to WWE for not forcing it immediately.

Should happen: Usos win, and hints of friction develop between Miz and Mizdow.

Shouldn’t but could: Usos win a typical squash match, and nothing changes. Either way, I don’t see MIz and Mizdow taking the titles, so it’s possible this may be the one match where the writers try to surprise us arbitrarily.

Roman Reigns vs. The Big Show (unconfirmed)

The way they’ve been playing this on TV, I thought for sure this was an announced match. Doing some online digging, I find that it has never actually been confirmed. But it would make total sense, either to give Reigns an excuse for not winning the Rumble, OR put him over as superhuman for winning the Rumble and beating the Big Show in one night.

If this goes forward, here’s what I’m thinking:

Should happen: Big Show is at a point where he has achieved everything there is to achieve. he’s held every major title, he’s been a movie star, and he has nothing to prove to anybody. Therefore, the best use of him is to put over new talent, and he should lose a hard-fought battle.

Shouldn’t happen, but could: Show wins with some cheating tactic, then Reigns knocks him out cold. Puts over Reigns as a superman but extends the feud with Show.

Rusev vs. Whoever The Fuck

When only two matches besides the big Rumble are announced, you know this is exactly the kind of thing they’re going to use to pad out the show. Sadly, “Whoever The Fuck” is not the name of a new wrestler, but a placeholder for somebody like Zack Ryder.

Should happen: It’s Ryback, and he wins by DQ. Extend that feud for a no-holds-barred match at WrestleMania.

Shouldn’t happen but probably will: It’s Adam Rose’s Bunny, and the TitanTron displays a picture of Vladimir Putin skinning a rabbit as he taps out.

World Championship: Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena vs. Seth Rollins

Should happen: Lesnar wins. Period. He does so by squashing Rollins, who is unconscious and unable to cash in the briefcase. Cena fails to make the save when Rollins flunkies Mercury and Noble keep him out of the ring. This keeps the Rollins-Cena feud going – easily the best feud Cena has had in ages, since they actually have him lose sometimes – and preps Brock for the Rumble winner.

Shouldn’t happen but could: Cena wins and goes on to face Rollins at WrestleMania. Lesnar is eliminated when Reigns picks a fight with him, setting that up for a non-title match. Lesnar goes on to get Reigns eliminated from the Rumble later in the evening, and Rollins pulls out a victory after pulling a Lawler and hiding under the ring most of the match.

The 30-Man Royal Rumble

Here are some general predictions of stuff happening in the match:

-El Torito will eliminate The Bunny

-Razor Ramon will make a brief appearance, and Kane will eliminate him.

-Triple H will be a surprise last-minute entrance towards the end, but so will Sting, and they will eliminate each other.

-Natalya will be a surprise entrant, and will eliminate husband Tyson Kidd.

-Cesaro will be impressive, but not make the final four.

Should happen: Daniel Bryan wins by tossing out an on-the-ropes Big Show AND Roman Reigns, thereby establishing himself as a David worthy of Lesnar’s Goliath.

Shouldn’t happen but could: Bryan is eliminated by some combination of The Authority, to set up the main event of the next PPV, entitled “Fast Lane.” (What the hell happened to Elimination Chamber? Is this because Lesnar refused to be in a match with multiple opponents, or something?) Reigns tosses out Big Show and/or Cesaro to win. Or, if the Cena win happens earlier, Rollins pulls out Reigns at the last minute with a Lesnar assist for a sneaky victory.

Shouldn’t happen but could, part 2: Daniel Bryan wins the Rumble, wins WrestleMania, and loses the title to Seth Rollins immediately. I have pretty high confidence some version of this will happen.

Just remember: however tonight’s Raw ends (before the inevitable “everyone gets in the ring and fights as we fade to black” pre-Rumble finish), the pay-per-view will end the opposite way. So if Rollins is victorious tonight, he’s not winning on Sunday.

What are your predictions?