Comics, Daily Lists, Movies

9 Comic-Based Sexual Situations Too Bizarre or Risque for Marvel to Put Onscreen

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So the big news back in October of last year, is that Marvel finally decided to stop teasing us with hints of what they’re going to tease us with regarding future movie plans, and have officially started teasing us with actual future movie plans. All sorts of awesome movies are coming up the pike, and a lot of them are gonna rake in the dough. Money, as we all know is one of the top two driving forces in the human condition. The other driving force? The one and only driving force that out does money? SEX! Pretty much every major decision in an adult’s life comes out of our quest to find a mate, or our decision to step out of the mating pool. Even those of us who don’t equate sex, love and procreation generally like to have orgasms. This all powerful motivating force even affects the lives of superheroes, though a movie viewer who doesn’t read comics can be forgiven for not knowing that.

Superhero movies have largely been pretty reserved in their portrayal of romantic urgings. Bruce Wayne and Talia Al Ghul having sex in The Dark Knight Rises is the only noteworthy sex scene I can even recall off the top of my head in a superhero movie from the past decade or so. The closest thing Marvel has to compete with that would probably be a scene in Iron Man 3 where Tony Stark and Pepper Potts are sharing a bed together. Nothing jaw-dropping today, but something that would seriously have caught attention a few decades past. Comic books, however, go into a lot more risqu? – if not outright lustily perverted – territory. I’ll be focusing on Marvel for this list, mostly because I think they seem to have the cleaner reputation these days, what with being owned by Disney and not going all grim, dark and grit-toothed like DC does. Perhaps if there’s enough interest I’ll do a follow up focused on DC comics and movies.

TRIGGER WARNING – Some of the storylines that will be discussed involves topics like rape, domestic violence, slut shaming and exploitation. If you’d rather not read something like that, proceed to the second page, which has a lighter tone to it.

NOTE: Many of the images in this article are composited from longer pages for the sake of getting to the main point of each entry.

9. She-Hulk Gets Slut Shamed (for the Sexual Activities of Her Alternate Reality Counterpart).

While deciding which entries would make the cut, I wanted to avoid some of the more overdone examples floating around, but a few of them are too out there to not have on the list. One of the best known bits comes from a time during Chuck Austen’s Uncanny X-Men run with Ron Garney, when Cain “The Juggernaut” Marko was trying to clean up his life and go straight.

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While imprisoned in Canada, ol’ Juggy got word that the Rhino had gotten loose and decided to lend a hand in subduing him.

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He immediately followed that up with one of the most unexpected things he’s ever done.

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Afterward, he had a wee bit’ve a chat with his defense attorney…

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Which resulted in the discovery of the most powerful mattresses ever constructed.

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Then things got weird. During Ty Templeton and Dan Slott’s run on SheHulk, the jade giantess was adamantly denying having ever knocked boots with Mr. Marko.

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This initially seemed like a lie, since readers could look up the issue where she did, in fact, sleep with the Juggernaut, but it eventually turned out that there was another She-Hulk running around who had come over from a parallel universe. Eventually, Jennifer Walters (a.k.a. She-Hulk when she’s not a big green beauty) was able to confront her alternate reality-alternate ego.

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As it turns out, a lot of people (Slott included) really did not like the idea that Shulkie (as she’s called by Ben Grimm from time to time) would so quickly and easily get freaky with a super villain, even one who’s trying to turn his life around. Rather than doing something like, I dunno… acknowledging that a fictional woman might have made a choice that people didn’t approve of, it was instead decided that it would be retconned out of the storyline by declaring “Y’see, what really happened is that it was another version of her, because our She-Hulk would never do something so wrong.”

The storyline stands as one of the greatest examples of meta-slut shaming I’ve ever seen. First she was slut-shamed by fans, then by other fictional characters and then by a writer. It’s weird to know that we live in a world where people feel a need to control the sexuality of women so much that it even extends to the sexual choices of women that are made up characters, but humanity is full of nutty hang ups like that. I don’t think that this was Slott and Templeton’s intention when they did their story, it’s just the way it comes across to me. I know a lot of readers liked that story because of how much they hated Chuck Austen’s run on Uncanny X-Men, but it still creeps me out that such measures were taken to “correct course” on a fictional woman’s bedroom activities.

Should it be on screen? No. The last thing Hollywood needs is another movie reminding young women to be ashamed of their sexual history.
Chances of it happening – The movie rights are waaaay too tangled for it to be feasible any time soon, and Marvel would still be unlikely to pull the trigger. They’re not currently exploring sexuality on screen beyond a PG-13 vibe, and there’s no current indication that this will change anytime soon.

I think we’ll see a feature length film of She-Hulk singing songs from musical groups like The Spice Girls and Stabbing Westward before we see her and the Juggernaut hooking up.

8. Ant-Man Gets Tiny Before Going Down on The Wasp.

Here’s another perennial classic bit that would make most readers’ lists. Hank “I love having lots of different superhero names” Pym uses his shrinking power to enhance his cunnilingus performance.

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That’s not too bizarre in and of itself though. I think most people, if given super powers might make use of them during sex if it were feasible (Johnny Storm, for example, could probably create literal fireworks in the sky when he gets off). The thing that puts this over the line of goofy and straight into “WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY THINKING!” territory, is what precedes the scene of a tiny man who just pleasured his lover.

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The most famous thing about Ant-Man, which is well known to anyone who’s into the superhero scene, but not so much to people who aren’t (and who are also surprised that there’s actually a character named Ant-Man) is that he has a history of domestic abuse against Janet Van Dyne (a.k.a. The Wasp). Their relationship has gone through multiple ups and downs over the years as they’ve drifted together and apart time and time again.

So the scene here is a fake-out joke in the poorest of taste that boils down to “Lets make the reader think Hank is beating her again, but it turns out they’re actually having sex!” It’s times like this when I wonder “Is this stuff part of the reason why space aliens are so shy about revealing themselves to humanity?”

Should it be on screen? The tiny cunnilingus thing would be fun to see, but I can do without the wife beating joke.
Chances of it happening. Virtually zero. Marvel’s decision to leapfrog over Hank and Jan so that they can start with Scott Lang is likely due in large part to a desire to avoid dealing with domestic violence in a superhero movie to begin with. I think it’s more plausible that Marvel might have an end cap after the credits to Ant-man that includes Scott Lang and Hope Van Dyne (Hank and Jan’s daughter) painting a mural of Batman getting kick in the shins.

7. Angel (a.k.a. Warren Worthington III) Discovers That He Owns a Brothel.

One of the most amusingly frustrating things about the rich and wealthy is when they have such a huge fortune, they can’t keep track of what they own. A great example of this occurs during Joe Casey’s run on Uncanny X-Men with Tom Raney.

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After getting stern with an employee of his, Warren gets a straight answer to his question about what this mysterious “X-Ranch,” that was recently acquired by his company, does for their customers.

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The idea that johns are paying to have sexual relations with mutants naturally makes Mr. Worthington the III very nervous. One of the first employees he encounters is a woman called X-Stacy, and things did not go well between them. She stuck around for awhile, but the X-Ranch kind of faded into the woodwork and so far as I know hasn’t been used again at all.

Should it be on screen? This storyline would actually make for some great cinema. The kind of issues dealt with here could be a groundbreaking area for superhero films.
Chances of it happening – Slim to none and slim’s outta town. So long as Fox holds the rights, it’s incredibly unlikely that they’d go in such a direction. Even if/when the rights revert to Marvel, it’s not necessarily gonna increase the chances of this story arc making it to the big screen. Selling Joe and Jane Average on spending whatever ridiculous amount of cash a movie outing for the family costs these days, so that they can have the fun of explaining how prostitution works to their kids on the car ride home, doesn’t seem like the best strategy for a studio to take.

6. Thor Getting Magically Enslaved and Raped by the Enchantress’s Sister

One of the most iconic villains in Marvel’s version of Thor is Amora the Enchantress. Her many machinations and schemes to seduce the Odinson are fuel for some of the greatest stories the guy’s ever had to tell. One of the very best storylines featuring Amora is less about her and more about her younger sister Lorelei, who was created during the run of the legendary Walter Simonson. In Thor #350, it was established that the two of them have had a long running rivalry over who can seduce him first.

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Around 6-7 issues later Lorelei puts her schemes into action.

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Her primary goal is rather immediately successful. In no time at all she manages to get Thor charmed into a lovin’ mood.

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The above image might not seem like much, but do recall that it’s part of the Comics Code Authority (or CCA) era of comics. There can only be so much shown. At any rate, once she got the basics out’ve the way, Lorelei made the mistake of trying to add insult to injury.

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Toying with the emotions of a magically ensnared demigod with a barbaric streak to his personality seems like such a bad idea, that even Loki questions the logic of it.

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Logic, however, soon gives way to savagery.

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The whole thing escalates into one of the most intense moments in Thor’s history wherein he threatens Loki with Mjolnir in the most brutal fashion he’s ever had to do.

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It’s rather unsurprising that Loki backs down under the impending threat of a head full of hammer.

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After being broken free of the spell, Thor dispatches Lorelei in a proportionally kind manner.

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At first glance, the story might seem like the sort of tale that can easily be brushed aside as typical fantasy tropes and not much else. It’s upon further examination of the events that Lorelei’s actions are seen as being truly monstrous. The mental violation of her Asgardian magic being used to bend Thor’s emotions and thoughts to her will is representative of the kind of tactics people in real life use to emotionally manipulate and abuse targets of lust and desire. Afterward, what she does to him physically is nothing short of sadistic rape.

It’s worth noting here, that for all her many flaws, Lorelei’s older sister typically tried win Thor’s heart as genuinely as she could. Many of her schemes revolved around trying to convince Thor why he should be in love with her, rather than forcing his emotions. It’s also worth noting that for a brief while, during Warren Ellis’ run with Mike Deodato Jr., she actually succeeded and the two lived together as lovers for a short time.

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I’m pretty sure the above could be seen as a tribute to Frank Miller’s scene of Marv and Goldie from Sin City, which would be fitting in its own way. Both characters are big lugs who end up in bed with a sexy blonde who is way smarter, and the relationship has a “doomed to end badly” feel to it.

Should it be on screen? Lorelei’s already shown up in the MCU on an episode of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., so there is a possibility to work things in that direction. If handled with the right kind of touch, it could be an emotionally stirring work.
Chances of it happening – I can see the story being translated in some way shape or form, but being not quite as challenging to the audience. If anything, I think we’ll most likely see the showdown with Thor and Loki’s head and Mjolnir take place under a different set of circumstances. I’m not saying that the “Lorelei getting Thor into bed via magic” bit will never happen, just that I won’t hold my breath waiting for it.

5. Carol Danvers Getting Mind Controlled and Physically Raped by a Time Traveling Inter-Dimensional Maniac who Impregnates Her With Himself.

One of the most infamous “WTF were they thinking!” moments in all of comics history, the 200th issue of Avengers was so incredibly disturbing that at least one of the people credited with the plot has denied any involvement whatsoever. The blame is generally laid at the feet of writer David Michelinie who was working with George Perez (among others) on the series at the time.

The issue pics up on a storyline where Carol “Ms. Marvel” Danvers recently discovered that she was pregnant despite having no memory of how it could have happened at all.

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Naturally, when the baby is born it starts to age rapidly.

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I’m using the word “naturally” in it’s loosest sense, because as a story trope, the concept of having a child age rapidly into adulthood is a rather common thing. It probably says something about writers that they’re often very eager to have a character that is the child of another character, but want to skip past the infancy/childhood/adolescent stages.

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As weird as such stories tend to be though, this one ratchets things up so many notches that walls had to be lengthened to include all the notches.

If you can’t read that condensed set of pages below and you don’t want to take the time to track down the story on your own, here’s the Cliffs notes:

-The guy’s name is Marcus.

-His first mom was in a shipwreck.

-While in the ocean she was “rescued” by Immortus (long story on who he is, click the link if you want to know) and taken to a dimension called Limbo.

-Immortus used super science and magic to manipulate the woman (who’s name isn’t mentioned) into loving him.

-She got pregnant and had a son that she named Marcus.

-Marcus took lessons from his father in “how to be a super creepy scumbag.” He then kidnapped Carol Danvers, spent a few weeks manipulating her mind and eventually had sex with her.

-During the sex he “passed his essence” into her in such a way that she gave birth to a fast growing super baby with all of his memories.

-After admitting to all this fucked behavior, Marcus is met with a positive response by Carol and she decides to go live with him in Limbo.

-The rest of the team is somehow okay with all of this

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The story was eventually recontextualized by Chris Claremont in order to highlight just how horrendously monstrous the actions of Marcus were, as well how heavily the team dropped the ball on taking care of their allies. After returning to Earth, Carol is able to tell the team just how horrible her experience was and how badly they failed her. To this day it stands as one of the most egregious examples of a storyline wandering into dark territory without anyone involved at the time seeming to realize how horribly fucked up things are.

Should it be on screen? No. The story is so monumentally awful that it should be left in the medium it was created in as an example for future writers of “what not to do” or in the case of Claremont’s follow up a lesson in “how to fix another writers awful, awful mess”. Beyond that, the story should be left in a shallow grave.
Chances of it happening – Completely unlikely to ever make it to screen in any way, shape or form. Marvel’s not gonna put rape in their first female superhero movie.

NOTE: Many of the images in this article are composited from longer pages for the sake of getting to the main point of each entry.

4. Spider-Man Tells His Wife About a Weird Dream…While He’s Inside Her.

One of the most memorably odd and weirdly beautiful Spider-Man story arcs from the ’00s is called The Other: Evolve or Die. Rather than go into detail on the wild stuff that happens therein (you should look it up yourselves, though) I’d like to focus on the opening two pages of the first chapter. As the scene opens Peter is telling MJ about some crazy nightmare he had.

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When it comes back to the present moment, they’re shown in silhouette as she’s riding him cowgirl style and MJ is asking Peter to focus on the task at hand and finish the story later.

This might not seem too bizarre on it’s own, but it was one of the most shocking moments to me as a reader. The storyline takes place not too long after Marvel ditched the CCA and went their own route on determining what is and isn’t appropriate for readers to see. Even though the characters are married to one another, that scene would not have been likely to pass the Comics Code standards at the time. It certainly wouldn’t have cut the mustard back in the ’80s or even the ’90s.

It’s also endearingly weird to see such a frank acknowledgement of the mundanities of sexual congress. The idea that a superhero might choose to talk about his adventures or his premonitions of adventures yet to come while he’s, er, yet to cum, is the sort of “slice of life” moment that is rarely if ever shown in regard to sexuality.

Should it be on screen? I think so, but my gut tells me a lot of studio executives would not agree. It’s definitely a moment that would be likely to push the MPAA rating from PG-13 to R, and that’s something that superhero movies are usually held back from.
Chances of it happening – Completely unlikely to happen on screen unless Andrew Garfield and Shailene Woodley (or whoever gets cast as MJ if she doesn’t retain the role) stick around long enough for the characters to get married… Well that’s the answer I’d have given this time last year when it still looked like the Sony movies would continue on with Garfield as Parker. Nowadays, that’s all up in the air, but even under Marvel Studios, it’s not all that likely.

3. Jean Grey Cheats on Her Husband With Wolverine… Inside the Mind of a Dying Teenager!

The saga of Wolverine, Jean Grey and Scott Summers is one of the most influential love triangles of the modern era, and I find it amusing how many people seem to overlook a watershed moment that served as the beginning of the end Scott and Jean’s marriage.

The moment arrived in issue #394 during the run of Joe Casey (the same guy who gave us the tale of Warren Worthington and the X-Ranch) with Ian Churchill providing the penciled art which was enhanced by Mark Morales’ inking and Avalon Studios’ coloring. A new character is introduced who goes by the name of Warp Savant (which combines two of my favorite words). On the cusp of his 18th birthday, Warp decides that he’s going to celebrate in a big way.

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That big celebration is hinted to somehow involve his mutant ability: to transfer objects from the physical world into his mind.

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When the military gets involved, it turns out that Warp can also use his power on people as well as beer bottles.

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When the X-Men show up to rumble, Warp takes out James “Logan” Howlett a.k.a. Wolverine.

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And then follows up by doing the same to Jean Grey.

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The two of them end up trapped inside the mind of Warp Savant, while the military and the rest of the team are trying to stop him from doing anything worse. During the battle Warp is critically wounded with death fast approaching.

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The grim circumstances prompt Logan to go out with a moment of passion.

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Some of you reading this might be thinking that it’s just a kiss, no big deal, right? I disagree. During Casey’s run, he stated that he wanted to explore sex and it’s consequences, which is something that he achieved immensely. For long term couples, (especially those who’ve been together long enough that people might have trouble recalling if they’ve spent more time married than dating) kissing another person is a huge breach of trust. That kiss, and Scott’s reaction to it, opened up a rift in the marriage that never closed.

In time, it was picked up by Grant Morrison during his run on New X-Men. The mistrust between Scott and Jean blossomed into an extra marital affair between Scott and Emma “The White Queen” Frost. That affair eventually became a permanent relationship that still endures to this very day and is honestly (to my mind at least) far more interesting than Scott and Jean as a couple ever were. In due time, Namor of Atlantis entered the picture, and a new love triangle was formed. I’ve not read many current X-Men comics in the past few years, but I am aware that the ramifications of that kiss still echo into the comics today.

Should it be on screen? Of all the moments on the list, this is the one I would most love to see reach the silver screen.
Chances of it happening – I think we’re more likely to see Scott and Logan spend 30 minutes of screen time playing a game of chess while eating Cheetos with chopsticks and drinking Mountain Dew in wine glasses.

2. The Thing Returns From Outer Space to his Ex-Girlfriend’s Apartment, Only to find The Human Torch Stepping Out of the Shower After Bangin’ her (and Later Discovering That She’s an Alien Impostor).

One of the most memorable and well regarded storylines from John Byrne’s run on Fantastic Four is, without a doubt, the love triangle between Ben Grimm (The Thing), Alicia Masters and Johnny Storm (The Human Torch). Following the events of the Secret Wars crossover, Ben decided to stay behind on an alien planet for a while (once again, long story, go look it up) and asked his friends to relay a message to his lady love, the blind sculptress Alicia Masters. Her feelings of abandonment eventually took things into an unexpected direction.

It all starts with issue #269, when Johnny and Alicia run into one another while out and about.

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One issue later Alicia gives Johnny a little kiss.

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Four more issues down the road we see that they’ve spent the night together as lovers.

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And not long after that, Ben shows up and things almost go horribly bad.

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Later on, Ben and Alicia have a discussion about the matter and it does not go well at all.

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Eventually though, the three of them patch things up and get back on good terms. Good enough terms that Ben even takes the roll of Best Man at Johnny’s wedding to Alicia, which took place in the landmark 300th issue.

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By the way, if you’re wondering why the art style for the panels showing Ben’s discovery of the relationship is so different, that’s because it’s not from the hands of John Byrne, but rather from the hands of Paul Ryan (not the congressman, but the other Paul Ryan) as a callback to that story, which came up in issue #358 as the events in Byrne’s run were retconned by Tom DeFalco. The retconning started with a big reveal at the end of issue #357.

As it turns out, Johnny and Ben had been in a love triangle with a skrull named Lyja.

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She gives a long and convoluted back story about how she took Alicia’s place and then fell in love with Johnny as part of her mission. She also drops the following bombshell.

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A while later down the road she lays an egg.

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And a lovely Lovecraftian-ish baby is born into the world.

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As with many great stories in comic books. something that started out very simple eventually took on a bizarre direction when another writer got into the driver’s seat and took the metaphorical vehicle down a different road. This is one of the things that make shared universes so fun. Even when things go bad, they can go bad in interesting ways. While I really don’t care for DeFalco’s rewriting of events, the skill and panache with which he did what he wanted to do was something that I deeply admire.

Should it be on screen? Yes. Hell yeahs! I’d love to see the whole thing happen, even the Lyja stuff that I hated back then. The storyline is bold enough and weird enough that it very much fits in with the kind of “anything can happen” vibe of the MCU.
Chances of it happening – Well, let’s see if A) The new FF movie coming up the pipe is a box-office flop, and B) Fox decides to cut their losses and sell the rights back to Marvel, then C) Marvel does a truly outrageously faithful set of Fantastic Four movies, it’ll still take the better part of a decade or more to build up to that… but we can hope.

1. The Marvel and DC Universes Literally Making Sweet Sweet Love!

While the idea of Marvel and DC crossing over in the near future might seem laughable to some, it’s worth noting that they’ve gone through cycles of friendliness and enmity over the decades. Back in the late ’70s/early ’80s they were doing crossovers that were building up to a huge JLA/Avengers finale. Sadly the project was killed via editorial disputes and the blowback of the arguments squashed any further crossovers at the time.

A couple of decades later, however, the cards with shuffled right and the stars aligned. As an outgrowth of the Marvel vs DC miniseries and other projects following it, the green light was given to do a full on Justice League/Avengers throw down. One of the key concepts put to use was the character Eternity, who is the living embodiment of the Marvel Universe. A female counterpart was created for the storyline to represent the DC Universe, and the shape the story took was Fan-Freaking-Tastic!

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In this series, readers were able to witness two universes making love to one another. When the story ended, there was an egg left over that suggests the possibility of a baby universe that might someday hatch into a form that combines elements from both parents. We’re talking about procreation on a multiversal scale here, and that to me is truly beautiful. The manner in which life begins or that the conditions for such beginning can emerge is one of the most enrapturing aspects of all existence. To see it in a power fantasy structure like superheroes… that was a breathtaking experience the first time I read it and it still takes my breath away when I think about it.

I know that a lot of readers are already aware of where those ramifications led, but for the ones who don’t read comics enough to be aware, I’m gonna punt back to my “look it up” response, because I’d rather leave some people with a sense of wonder and hope it grows big enough to get them headed to a book store or website storefront to find out for themselves what became of that egg.

Should it be on screen? As the climax to a hypothetical Marvel/DC crossover movie event? YEAH! It would be such a sucker punch sideswipe to the mind of the audience that I’d love to see it happen. The music that could be composed for such a scene would be truly magical.
Chances of it happening – Never in a hundred years. If this happens before the year 2115, I will be completely shocked and blown away. Marvel, DC if you ever get the opportunity to prove me wrong, I humbly ask that you take it.

Previous Topless Robot Articles by Greggory Basore Include:

7 Reasons Why The Feud Between “Casual” and “Hardcore” Gamers is Literally Ridiculous.

10 Reasons Why An All Female Ghostbusters Reboot is the Best Possible Direction

10 Reasons Hollywood Needs to Stop Catering to Whiny Assed Nerds like You and Me

The 7 Most Amusing Reactions and Possibilities to come from Microsoft Buying Minecraft

10 Reasons I Don’t Blame Robin Williams for Wanting to Die

The 5 Most Frustrating Moments Game of Thrones Season 4 (and 5 Ways to Wait for Next Year)

The 15 Geekiest Shows of Summer 2014

8 Unanswered Questions Left by X-Men Days of Future Past

5 Lessons Hollywood Should Learn from The Lego Movie (And 5 Ways they’ll Miss the Point)

16 Heartbreakingly Awesome bits of production art that never made it to the screen.

The 30 Best Origins of Superman

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