Crappiest Comic Superhero: And the Winner Is…

Sweet Christmas, judging this contest was hard. I knew there were plenty of crappy
superheroes, and I figured you guys knew ’em all, but how to judge? How
can one man possibly trying and figure which is crappier — having no
powers but roller skates, or having a CB radio in your head? Let’s just
go to the honorable mentions:

? Cprl_kool, for informing me about Thing-on-Thing action
? Aaron Alvarez, for introducing me to the NFL Superpro
? Gnomemaster, for his suggestion about a Frank Miller-directed Underdog movie
?
Tanner, for “So, a superhero who has brittle bones, is “psychic” and
wins all the time at canasta? Longshot is my Aunt Michelle”
? CTrees, for telling me about the “All Winner’s Squad”
? JPyke, for his hilarious anti-Robin screed
? Elrond, for “And as for you, Peter Parker, I hope you choke on those fucking wheatcakes”
? Evil Monkey Pope, for realizing that the only thing Hank Pym will ever be remembered for is hitting the Wasp
? DW, for “[When the Prowler] was last seen, he was getting kicked out of the Stilt-Man’s
funeral. Yes, THAT Stilt-Man. As if going to the Stilt-Man’s funeral
wasn’t humiliating enough. And he was escorted out by the Puma. It
would be like going to an Anime Club Meeting of Tentacle Rape
Enthusiasts and then having them tell you, ‘Ummm yeah…the door’s over
there and maybe you should seek some help. You’ve got issues.'”
? ZeroCorpse, for Attacko, Hasty Pudding and Sister Scissor-Limbs
? Bill, for pointing out that Raptor was too stupid for the G.I. Joe cartoon, which is saying something
? Davelog, for “Relampago, the first Mexican-American superhero. He’s nigh invincible, but spends his days selling bags of oranges”

And now, here are some very honorable mentions, because these could easily have one, had I…er, picked them:
? Zach S. for U.S. Archer, the truck-driving trucker with the CB radio in his skull
? Skemono for The Red Bee, who fights crime…with two bees
? edgreen86 for Skateman, who has no powers, but he does have skates, and he kicks people in the face with them
But with a great box of t-shirts comes great responsibility, and I have to award it to Brion and Arm Fall Off Boy:

He only appeared once in Secret Origins #46 where he tried to join the
Legion of Superheroes. His ability, which pretty much states in his
name, is to pop off one of his arms and use it as a club…

Now, about half of you
submitted LoSH idiots like Chlorophyll Kid and Stone Boy, and, yes,
they are crappy. But think about this: Arm Fall Off Boy was too crappy
for the Legion of Super-Heroes. Now that is goddamn pathetic. As is
this tidbit from Wikipedia:

Following the Zero Hour reboot, the character appears again in Legionnaires
(vol. 4) #43 and is identified as Floyd Belkin of the planet Lallor.
Under the name Splitter, Floyd participates in the Legion’s tryouts in Legionnaires
#43 and is one of five finalists, but he is denied Legion membership
after he panics and literally falls apart during the last test.

Arm
Fall Off Boy, YOU FAIL. Brion, you win. Congrats, all — and if you have
a suggestion for this Friday’s contest, please let me know in the
comments.