?I’m going to go ahead and deem this the hardest TR contest to judge ever. I don’t know if it’s because of the extra time, or because you guys were on fire this weekend, or because the bar for Star Wars names is already pretty low (*cough*Dexster Jettster*cough*), but I could give an Honorable Mention to every single entry and be pretty pleased with myself. Seriously, every single name suggested was either hilarious or terrifyingly plausible. Seriously, if I don’t delete the contest and all it’s comments, I bet we see a few of these names show up in Clone Wars season 5. Anyways, please give yourselves a hearty pat on the back, because you all deserved it. The results are on the next page…
Since everyone’s entries were worthy of an honorable mention this week, these are just some of my favorites. Let’s just call these… um…. the extra-mentioned. Look, I’m still kind of sick. Don’t judge me.
Sith apprentice/advisor: Darth CheynRums
Generic Sith: Darth Mean
Wookie athlete: RugRunnah
Trainer of Wookie athlete who tries to get him to use “steroids” in a very special episode: Jenn Notalladultsaretobetrusted
Steroids, but totally not steroids because it’s in space: Starroids
(I’m aware that’s not a character name, but I had constructed this little narrative in my head about the eventual live action star wars tv show and when I hit the name starroids it was just too good not to burn an entry on. It’s honestly not as bad as “Coffeene”, yes totally a thing in the EU)
Yo Yo Maw
Back in the day I actually worked for a design firm that had the contract with Hasbro, so we got to work on Phantom Menace for three years before the movie was released. Looking at the names of the characters we were supposed to be doing box-art for, we came to this same conclusion about the absurdity of the names. I’ll try to remember all the names that we put together while working…
Gat-Kleen Soxon – A Jedi who inexplicably hangs out in elevators and talks incessantly to everyone else in said lift about his personal life in excruciating detail.
Diipar Kn?wspik – an alien with a large proboscis
Maino Phakyoo – an attractive alien at a cantina
Darth Snarf – that one speaks for itself I think.
and of course the new Jedi Council member – Moolah
Grand Moff Tof – a very dandy Imperial Admiral
Mom Mothra – Even Mon Mothma has a home to go to.
Speedo – a scantily clad pod racer
Wroth Aira – accountant to the rebel forces.
Augarin – a short lived Rebel pilot.
Djeff – At the end of a long day rebelling, Admiral Akbar goes home to his long time companion
Lingo – A droid fluent in more than twelve million forms of communication
Chumbawumba – a Wookie who gets knocked down….
Everyone knows of BoShek, but few know of his family.
PeyShek, his rich sister.
BhadShek, his broke-ass brother.
RaynShek, his non-committal cousin.
KrausShek, his trick-playing uncle.
Gamorrean Guard – IgPay Lateen
Master Obi Do Da-day
Since I’m watching Predators right now:
Adybrodi Wyrdnoos: Piano player in the Mos Eisley cantina
Daa-Ni Tray-O: Bad-ass bounty hunter who mainly uses knives (“Hokey religions, ancient weapons and modern technology are no much for a Machete in your stomach”
2-4 Gray-S: Protocol droid convinced he’s stuck in the 1970’s (although one time he had some oil spilled on him, and he thought he was an alien symbiote)
Harry San 4D
Tommy Wisseau has a Clone Wars cameo next season as Johnny Hai Dah-Ghi.
If George Lucas had come up with Firefly:
Can Can Loco
Mitch Modulok (Mitch from Mitch Buchannon aka the Hoff, speaking of which…)
Evad F’foh Has
The stormtrooper who falls into Death Star chasm – Wilhelm Screamo
The stormtrooper who hits his head on the door – Hehd Bonko
The stormtrooper who says “Look sir, droids.” – Noh Duhoh
The stormtrooper who Obi Wan mind tricks – Numm Skullo
Any stormtrooper really – Kant Shooto
Heres my Saturday list. Its of ineffectual Sith Lords.
And the worst Sith Lord ever…Darth Smileyface Sunnybritches.
My Sunday list is of terrible droid names.
Bathroom voyeur droid – ICU-P
Pedophile droid – RU-13-QT
Gonzo porn droid – A2M
Sewage allocation droid – I8A-BM
Sperm count droid – BJ41
New villain, a Gungan Sith: Darth Darth Jinx
1) Darth Brooks, Country Singing Dark Lord of the Sith
2) Vile Gangster Cee LoGreen (portrayed by CeeLo Green)
3) Nebula Blackhole – Intergalactic Female Spy
4) Lavatory Assistance Droid TP-4U
5) Throwbacca, The Ironic Hipster Wookie
My entry for today: Dr. Seuss characters. On their world of Geisel VI (as planets tend to have numbers after them):
Theg-Rinch: Bounty Hunter, specialising in hunting down…
Sindii Hu-lu: princess of the Hu’s.
Cattin Hatts and Foxsin Sahks: Guards to Princess Hu-lu.
Sa Miyam: chef at the best darned restaurant on the northern continent (why not?), specialising in the native food of green eggs and ham.
How about, like, a mercenary loner guy, and his name is Admiral Lonely, or General Singular, or Captain Solo — oh, wait…
Okay, well how about a bounty hunter who’s greedy? They could call him Greeda, or Greedu, or — oh, wait…
All right. Well, there could be a princess from a peaceful, natural planet. It’s very organic, I guess you could say. Yeah… “organic” is a good word here. I’m drawing a blank here, though…
Darth Philanthropist (He only donates to Evil Girl Scouts…which are oddly similar to normal Girl Scouts.)
Someone’s pet dog: Khal-Ohf
-Bad Cane, Cad Bane’s evil (and therefore good) half cousin, twice removed
In honor of her new photo from “X-men: First Class,” here are Star Wars name for January Jones:
Janny Gar Tur
Bet Bet Madmenks
Young promising heroes of the galaxy, and all girls!
Sparka the Twi’lek
Because the force is magic, not some stupid bacteria.
How about ‘Darth Stardly’. The devious sith with a speech impediment?
Master Do-Ri Tos
– Jawa driver for the Coruscant Transit Authority – Chu-Choo
-The Rodian with stained orange fingers: Cheedo
– The one TIE pilot that has survived every mission he’s been sent on: S’Farr S’guud
– The inexplicably long named Ewok, when all the other Ewoks only have one name: Sorgum Q. Anderson
– Snooki the Hutt
Kit Fisto’s sister Vajine Fisto
The investigatory division of the Naboo Royal guard have just added this plucky team of young recruits.
and of course their loyal Droid SC-U B-DU
Darth Fenestrate (okay one pun)
1. Mirror Kat – The cyborg meerkat jedi
2. Hans Olo – NOT the same character rehashed
3- Lu Tini – The Martial-Arts wielding Jawa Bounty-Hunter
4- Issa Badgoi – The Sith Pedophile snake-person
5- Darth Penikulous – Stay away from him, ladies. He’s _Bad_
Wos PopolVuh and Gibra Torriah, two other religious friends of Sio Bibble
ace rogue fighter pilot: vas deferens
(I’m PRETTY sure no one’s used this yet, but if I missed something, I apologizeXD)
Aboard the Imperial orbital prison station: Satellite UV-LUV, Rebel sympathizer and former janitor: Robanso Jole, is punished for his crimes by being forced to view the worst Holovid programs in the Galaxy. His only companions are his handmade droids: SYR-VO, CRO, and GYP-C. He maintains his sanity by inserting subversive anti-imperial jokes into the awful Holovids and rebroadcasting them to Rebel bases.
His jailors are the evil Sith scientists Dr. Fhoris Klai-Tonn, and TV’s Darth
(I know that’s technically six, but I couldn’t leave anyone outXD)
While the prequel movies are usually maligned for not meeting the standards set by the originals I think it’s also worth remembering the godawful amount of advertisement tie-ins that surrounded them. So in honor of Lucas’ pimping habits here are five characters that will let him take advertisements to the next level. (And look at the bright side, maybe Yoda will have fewer bruises with these guys running interference.)
Jedi Master University of Phoenix
Ryno Wmon, Ephant Mon’s half-sister.
Generouso, Greedo’s brother, philanthropist.
Weemee Matingting, triangle player for the Max Reebo Band. Hoojib.
Blaxx Blastarr, bounty hunter and one of the only five black people in the “Star wars” universe.
TP-121, stormtrooper. Routinely pulls latrine duty.
and having reached the very limit of sanity, these ‘names’ are simply quasi-random keystrokes.
waq waq smith
Yak Face’s best friend, Kamil Toe.
And an extra special mentionable mention to Kyball for his childhood Star Wars story starring Bruce Skystalker, ONTHEDOORKNOB, The Dark Invader, Shorts and Hairface. Very much worth reading, as are all the entries.
But now it’s time for the winners, and let me tell you that while it was impossible to judge the HMs, that means it was even harder to judge the winners, of course. If any of you violently disagree with my choices, feel free to either blame my fever or because I’m a horrible person.
Saturday’s Entries, all celeb-based characters:
1. badass good-looking Jedi Warrior Fassi ben’Dar
2. M’Nishya’aamalan (What a tweest!)
3. Edd’Izzardo, manager of the Death Star’s Cafeteria (I hear they’re having penne all’arrabiata today)
4. JonCleezo Baslfawlty, owner of a hotel on Dantooine
5. Oprah the Hutt. Yeah. I went there.
1. Rick Astley shows up in the Mos Eisley cantina as Yeltsa Rik-rol, the only Jedi who’s never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you…
2. Sith Lord Cinematographer Darth UuweBol. His movies lead to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. Therein lies the Dark Side.
3. A Bounty Hunter with a grudge against Jedi who fights while dual-wielding stolen lightsabers. She’ll be named Stab Vengeance.
4 and 5. Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith make a guest appearance as Snoochi-booch Yaj (a Gungan) and Si-Len Baab (a Nabooan), a couple of slacker padawans who spend all their time trying to sell death-sticks outside a convenience store on Coruscant.
Ok… final entry for Monday. Come on brain, you can do this.
1. H’tes-greeno (Seth Green), a droid trader with a robot chicken
2. Brewchugga, the alcoholic wookie
3. Darth Kokblokus
4. Jedi Master Vindy Zel-Riddik (Vin Diesel), who uses the force to see even in darkness.
5. Darth Ikea, whose incomprehensible plans for the DjethSt??r led to Imperial contractors saying “Fuck it, who cares where it’s supposed to go? We don’t need this extra exhaust port cover!”
RandomChance had the hat trick of celebrities, villains, and other characters. I swear to god once I read this I could all too easily imagine Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes making a cameo in the Imperial Senate in Attack of the Clones, and I feel to my knees an wept because it was all too plausible. Well done, RandomChance.And when I say well done, I mean I hate you.
Wanted for Violation of the Magwan Laws: Padawan Behr
Owner of the Fusion Eatery/Brothel in Cloud City: Mugu Ghi’pan
Porkins’ brother: Funyuns
Last Droid Made on Alderan: R6-CFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU…
While Mugu Ghi’pan seems wasted on any character not a member of the Trade Federation, the other three names are pure gold. Plus, I really enjoy the idea of someone asking Punch Yourself where he got his TR shirt, and him having to say, “Well, there was a contest about making up Star Wars character names… and you know the fat X-Wing pilot from Star wars, Porkins?”
Thanks to everyone who entered, seriously, and congrats to the winners. This was a wonderful thing to read while I was laid up in bed yesterday (although it was a terrible thing to have to judge).