The Roast of Everybody: And the Winners Are…

All right, folks! Rather than give you a long-winded intro to the HMs and winners for this weekend’s contest, I figure I’d just let you watch part 2 of the Batman roast video from last Friday. The best roasts of the weekend are waiting after the jump whenever you’re ready.

I don’t want to question the honor of these honorable mentions, but I saw them blowing a hobo in the alley for a vial of crack. And speaking of orally pleasuring a hobo, Daniel Dean gets an extra Honorable Mention for his wonderful and infinitely-too-long-to-post Aquaman roast, which you can read here (and should).


What can we say about the X-men Rogue. She has done excellent work for the safe sex movement. Heck, you have to wear a condom to get a hand job from her.

The Constructicon Bonecrusher. He walked of the Michael Bay Transformers movie because of his dedication to the original team. When Michael Bay showed him the picture of what the movie version Devistator would look like, he left saying, “he wouldn’t be a dick to Devistator.”

Spiderman. His decisions are not always the best. I mean he ended his marriage with a hot redhead to keep his elderly aunt from dying and joining her long dead husband in the afterlife.


For Iron Man:
I don’t want to say Tony gets fucked up a lot but Charlie Sheen is trying to organize an intervention for him.
I see Black Canary is here tonight. I love this woman but she’s in trouble with the local sex workers. Seems they don’t like a beautiful woman walking around in leather and fishnets beating the crap out of guys without charging by the hour.

I saw Batman’s new movie the other day. And I couldn’t help but think, you know, I don’t care about the rumors about what he did with those boys and if he became some recluse hidden away from the world. The fact of the matter is he did a lot of good for the world, personally and professionally. And then I realized I was watching “Michael Jackson: This Is It”.


Harvey Dent– the only man who could find a way to feed Schroedinger’s Cat without spoiling the experiment.

All those creative uses for webbing, and you find the ONE that’ll snap Gwen Stacy’s neck. Don’t act like you’ve never made a sex swing with that shit– I’ve seen Mary Jane.

Rocket Raccoon was going to stop Thanos last week, but he got distracted by someone’s trash can not being properly covered.

Dr. Stephen Strange, well, if that’s not a case of nominative determinism, I don’t know what the fuck is.


“…and Wolverine, I think you really need to let this vendetta with Scott go. Sure, he has the same name as your penis….”


“You know what’s great about Gungans? No, seriously, somebody tell me.”


I just want to thank Deadpool for not only breaking the fourth wall but actually killing someone with it.

I would like to thank Link, Gordon Freeman, Chell, and Chrono for what they have said.

Hey I feel sorry for Power Girl. When she had the boob window no one took her seriously. Now that she has it covered up, we found out she is boring.


It’s good to see Captain America thawed out in time to come out here tonight. And speaking of coming out: dude, it’s 2012, we’re not going to judge you. We all know that the real reason you crashed that plane is so you wouldn’t have to go out with a woman.

I see Commander Shepherd is here tonight. His latest adventure had a disappointing ending that came too soon and didn’t satisfy anyone…but enough about his sex life!


I thought they called her Catwoman because of her acrobatic thievery. Then I found what she’d done in my shoes.

Brando Lars:

Kyle has the Distinction of being hand picked by the Guardian Ganthet to ensure the Corp survived to be the torch bearer, the last time a blue guy gave ME jewelry I was in Vegas and when I woke up 40 minutes later I had just been GANG Banged by the Blue Man group.


Welcome everyone to the first and most certainly last Roast Of H.P. Lovecraft Monsters!

Hey Cthulhu! Nice to see you could make it here. Were the stars right or were you just up for a quick piss and a sandwich? Watch it with those tentacles buddy, I’m not a Japanese schoolgirl.
I see Yog-Sothoth in the back. I know you are the key and guardian of the Gate, but really, those TSA cavity searches are just too much.
Ia! Shub-Niggurath showed up too! May want to get that name changed. You may be the Black Goat Of The Woods With A Thousand Young but that won’t save you from a lawsuit.
And theres Azathoth, the Daemon Sultan! Still likes to dance mindlessly to shrill flutes I hear. Whats worse, the other day Nyarlathotep caught him singing along to Ke$ha.
Oh and theres Mister ‘He Who Is Not To Be Named’! Ooooooh! What? Is Hastur too scary to say or something? Why can’t I call you Hastur? Will something bad happen to..oh OH NO!! OH


I’m not saying jokes about Batman’s voice are getting tired, but Seth McFarlane has stopped making fun of it.

Doctor Who has passed on more easy British pussy than Stephen Fry.

Swamp Thing is here… Ladies, he’s the only guy who will give you your daily allowance of fruits & vegetables when you swallow.

The Infinite Pet:

Professor Charles Xavier is here tonight, always a treat. Professor, where are you? Stand up so we can se– oh… Oh yeah…


Hey, Bizarro, you’re a great guy.

I’m not doubting the Turtles’ ninja skills, but their idea of “stealth” is trench coats.


Hey Goblin King Jarod, UPS called, they want their package back. It’s scaring the kids.

Chris Mathis:

and now will everybody welcome to the stage the god of bottle openers – Loki!


She-Hulk is such a slut, she’s had more superheroes in her than the Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe.


Ahh, Dean Winchester. I’m not saying you have issues, but your life’s more f**ked up than DC’s continuity.


Well, here I am at the Gallifrey Friars’ Club and I gotta say, did you guys redecorate here or is the Time War still going on? Anyway, today we’re hear to salute that most famous of Time Lords, The Doctor and, I gotta say, looking at all eleven of you, doesn’t your TARDIS have a decent hair stylist? Well, let’s get this over with:
One, you look the Cryptkeeper fucked the grandma from the Beverly Hillbillies. Boom, roasted.
Two, my kid’s first grade music class called to say they want their recorder back. Boom, roasted.
Three, you look like Prince’s butler. Boom, roasted.
Four, you’ve stopped the lives of so many jelly babies you’re like a Jelly Planned Parenthood. Boom, roasted.
Five, you’re blander than the food from your beloved Britain. Boom, roasted.
Six…I got nothin’. You’re cool.
Seven, your speeches went on so long that Ayn Rand asked you to tone it down. Boom, roasted.
Eight, how’s it feel being the George Lazenby of Doctor Who? Boom, roasted.
Nine, are you upset that regenerating meant losing your side gig as a Ralph Fiennes impersonator? Boom, roasted.
Ten, you’re such a ham that your fangirls tried to save you by writing “Some pig” above your TARDIS. Boom, roasted
Eleven, you’re so quirky that if you really had regenerated into a girl it would have been Zooey Deschanel. Boom, roasted.

Scooter Atreides:

Good evening, Giedi Prime!
What can I possibly say about Baron Harkonnen that isn’t already a social disease, mental disorder, or crime against humanity?
Baron Vladimir–am I pronouncing that right, Sire? Maybe I should just call you by your rap name: Notorious P.E.D.O? I mean really! This man has fucked more kids than childhood leukemia!
Oh, what? Like I’m really gonna live through tonight? Might as well go down swinging!
I hear the Emperor’s giving Arrakis to the Atreides….Tough break! But hey! I’ve got a message from His Majesty right here (pulls out note) It seems the Emperor has changed his mind: The good news is he wants House Harkonnen to continue controlling Arrakis. The bad news? Instead, he’s granted the Atreides your ass as a fiefdom.
Now this isn’t as valuable a piece of property as Arrakis, but it DOES mean Duke Leto controls more territory than any other House in the Landsraad.
And don’t try to sell us that bullshit about how it was some sort of Bene Gesserit conspiracy that made you so fat: The only women responsible for your gargantuan ass are Sara Lee, Aunt Jemima, and Mrs. Fields!

Michael Weyer:

Hey Thanos? Darksied called, he wants his everything back.

Daredevil, Matt Murdock. Let’s see, Karen Page, Elektra, Black Widow, Typhoid Mary, this is why you’re so hated, the one man who has a good excuse to nail ugly chicks keeps getting the hot ones. It’s like Richard Simmons being invited to the Playboy Mansion.


Gwen Stacy is here tonight. She’s not going to say anything. She’s just going to go “OH SNAP!” every time someone makes a joke at Spider-Man.

Shinji Ikari couldn’t make it tonight. He was recently arrested at a local grocery store for indecent exposure. He was caught with his pants down in the produce section. This comes as no surprise really; we all knew how turned on he was by vegetables.

Ben Cohen:

Joffrey Baratheon, everybody! Becoming king of Westeros was his biggest achievement since been born without flipper-hands!


Sam Witwicky, what can I say about you other than “NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO!”

Jean Marie Downing:

You know I’d just like to take a moment to recognize that Buffy did what no one else was capable of at the time, and that is bring necrophilia to network television.


Let’s hear it for Starfox, whose superpower is date rape. And this guy was an Avenger. I guess the same guy doing background checks for the Avengers is the same guy letting Bruce Wayne adopt any prepubescent boy who catches his eye or tickles his fancy. And by fancy, I mean his dick.


Reed and Sue Richards are here tonight, when they should be filming the greatest porn film ever made. Invisible sex swings, triple penetration, wide angle POV shots – I mean, he’s the smartest guy in the world – she’s got to have something amazing in her negative zone to keep him from getting inside the pants of every NFL cheerleader at the same time. It must be amazing sex – they conceived a kid who created a second planet Earth. I mean, to look at a map of the solar system and point at a planet and say, “remember that orgasm? To think I almost pulled my ribbed, battering-ram-shaped dick out that night and shot it towards Latveria.” Reed – luckiest nerd ever, and not just for giving every man ever penis envy. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been wishing the girls I’ve been with could be invisible. Shit, I’m going to stop here. Reed’s giving me a look as though he’s fucking my mom in Des Moines right now.

And now for the winners! First up, in the quantity and quality category…

He-Man’s a great role model, you know? Here’s a guy who wears a pink shirt and fuzzy underwear, and has friends named Ram-Man, Fisto, Extendar…
…What I mean to say is, he taught me how to take a punch.
I love Green Arrow’s idea of a secret identity. So here you have this rich, famous guy, his face plastered on everything, a known professional archer, wears the most unique beard in the world, is the only billionare who votes Democrat, and he wears half a domino mask. Seriously, he could cover more of his face with eye shadow. But I can’t blame him, I mean, it’s not like Batman. Who’s going to come after his loved ones? The Sherriff of Nottingham? Rush Limbaugh? Speedy’s dealer?
Okay, I get it. Batman’s the conservative, Green Arrow’s the liberal. So why is Batman the one who believes in Gun control while Arrow’s the one who will shoot you in the face?
You know, after looking at this year’s candidates, I can completely understand why people would elect Lex Luthor as president.
So, I hear people are upset that Starfire has been reduced to an emotionless sex doll who dresses like a stripper. I guess this is a big change from before, when she was a cheerful sex doll who dressed like a stripper.
Professor X is such a dick that I don’t even feel sorry for disabled people anymore.
Sometimes I wonder if Bruce Wayne’s parents are looking down at him from heaven, and saying, “Where are my grandchildren? And why isn’t he a doctor?”
So I hear Voldemort got a nose job. Apparently he was tired of people mistaking him for Michael Jackson.
I don’t have a problem with Hulk’s pants never tearing. Maybe he just doesn’t grow at all down there. Maybe that’s why he’s so angry all the time.
I don’t care if you did save Hyrule, kid. You’re paying for that pottery.
Whenever I have an “enter as many times as you want” contest, I try not to immediately give the prize to the person who enters the most; however, sometimes the person who enters the most also enters the best, and in this case it happens to be Ridureyu. These are maybe half of his entries, just the ones I thought most HM-worthy. He earned the hell out of his TR shirt.

Matthew Nando Kelly:

Bane’s here tonight. Bane, I can’t hear a single thing you are saying through that mask and I just have one question. Do they make those for Gungans?
Tony Stark took a break from an AA meeting to be here tonight. Tony, you are so drunk you think there is going to be a Justice League movie.
Wanda Maximoff is taking a break from her strictly platonic relationship with her brother to be here tonight. She is known for her famous phrase “No More Mutants.” Few people know she didn’t actually say that during House of M but while she was walking out of X3.
Ra’s al Ghul has Lazarus pits that can heal anything. When he heard about that, Green Lantern tried to throw his movie in.
Please note Matthew here won specifically for his Lazarus Pit/Green Lantern entry, which was likely the sickest burn of the entire contest. His other entries were excellent, but if he’d only entered the GL one, he still would have won.
And that’s that! Congrats to the winners, and thanks to everyone who entered. And thanks for being so cool about this contest — it was kind of a dangerous theme, with the potential to be shitty and hateful and piss people off, but I don’t think any of you guys were out of line. Filthy and perverted sure, but basically respectful — exactly the way I like my TR readers to be.