|Only the runners-up, y’all
Todd McFarlane is kind of weird. Here’s a man who spent millions of dollars buying balls whose sole significance lies in the fact that they happened to have been struck by a piece of wood wielded by someone who had struck more balls with a piece of wood and sent them out of the field of play than anyone else (to that point). Does such a person, who takes the road more traveled, make a minor cameo as a bum in a movie based on his own creation (Spawn), make a figure of said bum for the movie’s toy line, then make the figure bigger, clean it up and re-release it as “Todd the Artist”? I leave these questions for you to ponder.
What’s not in question is that Todd was still making great toys while he was spending the GDP of small islands on baseballs and being sued by famous comic writers and hockey players. While many of the toys he made were very cool, a good number were absolutely batshit crazy. Note that doesn’t mean they sucked – some of the figures on the list below were sculpted by the famous Four Horsemen design studio. But they’re all very, very weird.
McFarlane Toy’s Total Chaos figures always appeared to have been thrown together using various leftover parts from the studio floor, and Blitz here is one of the best examples of this. He’s like a parody of 1990s superheroes, wearing some kind of military harness so top-heavy it would snap him in half at the waist if it were real. He makes Cable look like Dr. Manhattan.
A shoo-in for this list, No-Body debuted early in the Spawn line. He’s a robot body shackled together from pieces of trash piloted by the store brand equivalent of Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. There’s no rhyme or reason for his appearance (other than to fall apart in the package), and he remains a celebrated joke in the collector world.
Look – it’s an elephant who poaches humans! How the tables have turned!
Poacher is one of the toys on this list that is arguably awesome – he’s a giant anthropomorphic elephant. Debuting in the aptly-named Total Chaos series, he’s big, bulky and inexplicable, and was popular enough to see a remake towards the end of the Spawn series. He was also released in one of those Gefilte fish jar display cases, much like how the freaks at a carnival are kept behind glass.
7.) The Tormentor.
What is going on here? “I’m an evil executioner with two biologically-implausible underdeveloped conjoined twins and a fetish for platform shoes! Spending time with me and my siblings counts as community service!” Seriously, this figure’s horror is completely undercut by its utter goofiness. I mean, those shoes! Paging Mr. Blackwell(…’s ghost, because he’s dead).
Crutch is built around the conceit that a skinhead Indian pirate with a sword leg (not a peg leg, a sword leg) would use a string trimmer as a crutch. Because why not, right? Where’s the line when you have what appear to be animal horns growing out of your chin? He also has a jackhammer, because, y’know, it’s wise to use one of those unsupervised when you’re physically disabled.
5.) Manga Violator.
Not to be confused with the far-more-awesome Manga Cyber Violator, this earlier and completely terrible Manga Violator is a mix of demon, bone, 1950s car chassis and what appears to be a miniature catapult that flings snot. Its meager justification for existence was utterly negated by the arrival of its aforementioned successor.
3.) Top Gun.
Look, it’s one of those CGI monsters from the TV-movie of Stephen King’s The Langoliers, but with tons of extra robotic shit, giant chicken legs, and an engorged cyber-penis! [Plus his companion figure Bottom Line (sold separately) attached to him by sticking its neck up his behind – LYT]
2.) Manga Clown.
Everything’s better when it’s manga, right kids?
Manga Clown is a crawling chaos that looks like the result of an unholy three-way between Mojo, Shelob, and that disgusting farting vampire from Blade. Enjoy that mental image, folks.
1.) Iron Express.
That’s right. It is a FUCKING ROBOT OSTRICH.